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    Some Assembly And Intelligence Required

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Home Improvement

    Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [home improvement store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I just had my shed delivered this morning and you people sent me the wrong size.”

    Me: “Okay, just let me pull up your order here and see what may have gone wrong.”

    Customer: “I don’t know how you people could have messed this up, I clearly ordered a 6×6 shed and I just measured the one you delivered and its clearly only 4×6.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Well, the type of shed we delivered only comes in a 6×6 model. Did you happen to have any parts left over when you finished building it?”

    Customer: “Oh, well I haven’t actually built it yet. But I’ve measured the crate it comes in and it only measure 4×6.”

    Me: “Sir, what does the label on the crate say?”

    Customer: “It says 6×6. But I measured it and it’s only 4×6!”

    They Swim Where The Sun Doesn’t Shine

    | Athens, GA, USA | Family & Kids

    (A day camp comes to my pool every weekday. The kids are on average 7 years old.)

    Girl: “I’m a mermaid!”

    Me: “That’s nice.”

    (Next day…)

    Girl: “I’m a vampire! Gaaargh!”

    Me: “But yesterday you were a mermaid.”

    Girl: “I’m a vampire mermaid! Gaaargh!”

    Went To The Wrong Joint

    | California, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (In the state of California, it is legal to sell water pipes, hookahs, bubblers, all ‘for tobacco use only’. We also cannot sell anything if a customer even hints at using marijuana.)

    Customer: *showing his ID* “Wow, you guys are strict, huh?”

    Me: “We have to check the IDs of everyone who comes in here. It’s store policy.”

    Customer: “You’re being careful, huh?”

    Me: “I have to be, because the laws are so strict. It’s very delicate. If someone says just one wrong word, I have to ask them to leave the store.”

    Customer: “So how much is that bong there?”

    If You Build It, They Will Come Early

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Crazy Requests, Money, Top

    (I am working on a new gas station still under construction. Please note that the station is still nothing but a concrete building and new pumps. The gas signs read ‘00.00’.”)

    (A customer pulls up in a car and sits there for ten minutes. She then lays on the horn. I go over to her, and she looks extremely annoyed.)

    Me: “Do you need some help, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Finally! Yes, I want my free gas!”

    Me: *puzzled* “Free gas?”

    Customer: *ridiculous sigh and rolling eyes* “Yes! The sign says zero dollars, so the gas must be free! You have to give me some or I’ll sue for false advertising!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’re not even open yet. We haven’t even finished the roof on the building, we don’t have gas yet. See all the construction stuff?”

    Customer: “Well there’s a sign! It says gas for zero dollars and I want my gas for zero dollars! Now!”

    Me: “Again ma’am, I’m sorry but there is no gas at this station. We’re still building it, we’re not open. Those gas pumps aren’t even hooked up yet.”

    Customer: “Well that’s completely unacceptable! You shouldn’t put signs up before you’re open!”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we’re still building it.”

    Customer: *screaming* Well you shouldn’t build it until you’re open! Idiot!”

    Prices Also Listed For Karate Kids

    | Mammoth Lakes, CA, USA | Funny Names, Language & Words, Movies & TV

    (The movie theater is small and only shows two movies. This week we were playing Grown Ups and another movie. A customer stands outside the box office looking very confused.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m confused about the movie times.”

    (I print out the movie schedule and hand it to her. She looks at it for a minute but still looks lost.)

    Customer: “No, it doesn’t help. It shows the times that you let the grown-ups in, but it says nothing about the children.”

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