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    Oh, Bite Me

    | Auckland, New Zealand |

    Me: “Welcome to ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need to check my balance on my account.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Can I get your customer number?”

    Customer: *gives number*

    Me: “Okay, sir. You have a balance of $513.26, and we need to get $360.00 of this paid off immediately to avoid referral to debt collection.”

    Customer: “Screw you. I’m no overstayer. Unlock my d*** account!”

    Me: “Sir, we can’t unlock the account until we’ve received some form of payment.”

    Customer: “F*** you man. I’m going to call your head office and have you deported.”

    Me: “Um, I was born in this country, so I can’t really be deported to another country. This still won’t get your account unlocked. If you can pay–”

    Customer: “Get the f***ing account turned on or I’m coming around there, and I’m going to eat you!”

    Me: “Eat… me?”

    Customer: “D*** right! I’m going to have you eaten and deported. We’re going to claim back our land and eat all you b**tards, then have you kicked out of the country!”

    Me: “Please pay your bill. I’m terminating this call.” *click*

    Welcome To Retail

    , | Houston, TX, USA |

    Me: “Hello this is Kevin.”

    Customer: “YOU SON OF A B****, YOU SOLD ME A DEFECTIVE MONITOR! I never in my life have had to deal with such bull s*** in my life. I don’t know what type of f***ing black magic you did to make it work at the store, but–”

    Me: “Ma’am, did you push the power button?

    Customer: “… Oh, thank you.” *click*

    Me: *sigh*

    Supervisor: “Yo dude, what’s up?”

    Me: “I need a raise…”

    As Long As It Tastes Like Chicken

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Lady: “I’d like a half pound of ham.”

    (I slice the ham, wrap it, and hand it over.)

    Me: “Here you go, ma’am.”

    (She opens up the package, sniffs the ham and makes a face).

    Me: “Is there something wrong with the ham?”

    Lady: “Yes. It smells very hammy.”

    Me: “Am I to understand that you’re complaining that our ham smells like ham?”

    Lady: *walks away in a huff*

    Smile, You’re On Candid Camera

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Customer: “What do you have to eat here?”

    Me: “Whatever you see in the pastry case is to eat; we mainly serve drinks.”

    Customer: “What’s that up there? ”

    (He points to one of the boards behind me and I turn around to see what he’s pointing at. I hear a rustling noise; when I turn back around all the money in my tip cup is gone.)

    Me: “Sir? Could you do me a favor?”

    Customer: “Uh… what?”

    Me: “Look up.”

    Customer: *looks up*

    Me: “Okay, wave!”

    (I start waving at him and, completely confused, he starts to wave back.)

    Me: “Sir, that’s a camera up there.”

    Customer: “Uh… and?”

    Me: “You better put the money back.”

    Customer: “What money?”

    Me: “You know very well what money. Now, put it back and leave.”

    (He puts the money back and pouts the entire way out the doors.)

    Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death

    | Livonia, MI, USA |

    Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

    Hospital patient: “Coffee.”

    Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a Cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.

    Hospital patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t give it to you.”

    Hospital patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

    Me: “Sir. You are on a CARDIAC diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, or extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

    Hospital patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

    Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer, otherwise I could lose my job.”

    Hospital patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

    Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

    Hospital patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

    Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

    Hospital patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”


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