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    One Scamwich, Coming Right Up

    | Texas, USA |

    Customer: “Yeah, we were in earlier and ordered 2 turkey sandwiches, a ham sandwich and a club sandwich, all a foot long. There were flies in them so I want you to give me a refund.”

    Manager: “There were flies in your sandwiches?”

    Customer: “Yes, it was gross. I want my money back!”

    Manager: “Well, where are the sandwiches? Why didn’t you bring them right back?”

    Customer: “I was already home by the time we opened them.”

    Manager: “Well, do you have your receipt?”

    Customer: “No! I just want my money back, there were flies in my sandwiches!”

    Manager: “Sir, I’m going to have to check and make sure there was an order that matches before I can see about a refund.”

    Customer: “…huh?” *long pause, then hurries out of the store*

    I LAve L.A.

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Customer: *holds up sweatshirt* “Oh my god, they spelled this wrong!”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Los Angeles!”

    Me: “Um, that’s how you spell it.”

    Customer: “Nooooo. It says LOS Angeles, but it’s supposed to be LAS Angeles. It’s pronounced LAS Angeles. Am I right?”

    Customer’s friends: “Yeah, totally!”

    Customer: “And, actually, shouldn’t it be LAS AngeLAS? Because that’s how you say it, LAS AngeLAS!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I can’t believe no one has ever noticed this before!”

    Me: “Yeah, it’s shocking…”

    And The Cycle Starts Anew

    | Thousand Oaks, CA, USA |

    (A customer stomps into my store and starts yelling at me.)

    Customer: “I had an allergic reaction to a Vanilla Ice Blended from the store in [other location] and the manager there said I could have whatever I wanted here for free.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear about that. Do you have a receipt?”

    Customer: “I had to drive out to Cedars-Sinai last night and I was there until four in the morning! The people at [other location] said I could have anything I wanted! I had an allergic reaction!”

    Me: “Well, then… what would you like?”

    Customer: “I want two Vanilla Ice Blendeds…”

    Minus One Bill, Plus One Federal Offense

    | Jonesboro, AR, USA |

    (I work at a call center that handles many types of cell phone issues, including the bills.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling, my name is **** and I’ll be assisting you today. Is this call in regards to wireless number ***-***-****?”

    Caller: “Why y’all done sent me a bill for two thousand minutes?! I don’t even own a cell phone!”

    Me: “Um… well, does the bill have your name on it, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Of course it does! Right here…” *paper rustling*

    Caller: “Oh, lawdy! I done opened my neighbor’s mail!”

    Nautical Always Right

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Where are you located?”

    Me: “We’re on **** Road, in the **** Shopping Center.”

    Caller: “Oh…I’m in Alpharetta. How far away is that?”

    Me: “Uh…a long way. There are probably several of our other stores closer to you.”

    Caller: “No, it has to be your store. How far away?”

    Me: “Probably about a 45-minute drive. Maybe longer if there’s traffic.”

    Caller: “How do I get there?”

    Me: “Well, you’d have to take 400 down to 285, and–”

    Caller: “Wait, wait, that’s not gonna be useful to me. Where’s the nearest river crossing?”

    Me: “…river crossing?”

    Caller: “Yeah. I’m taking a boat.”

    Me: “…you’re taking a boat from Alpharetta?”

    Caller: “Yes. You’re intentionally being difficult.”

    Me: “The nearest river crossing is about ten miles from here.”

    Caller: “Oh…can you come pick me up from there?”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “Fine. I’ll go to another store!”

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