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    Customer Service II: The Reckoning

    | Vancouver, WA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Communications, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, my cable box in my bed room is not working.”

    Me: “Okay, I can talk a look at that for you. How is it not working?”

    Caller: “Look, I just want to watch Eragon in my room…”

    (I finally figure out that the box will not take the signal we are sending.)

    Me: “It looks like we will need to get a tech out there to replace the box.”

    Caller: “Why”?

    (I try to explain that the box is refusing the signal and that we need to switch the box. This goes on for five minutes before I give up and try an alternative answer…)

    Me: “Um… the box has gone rogue and is no longer taking instructions from us. We need to bring it back in for training.”

    Caller: “Oh, that makes sense! Why didn’t you just say that?”

    Me: “…”

    Way TooOOOOH Much Information

    | New Jersey, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

    (Someone had left a massager in my department, and a little boy of about four found it and began to experiment with it. He held it up to his dad’s back and pushed the button; when that elicited no reaction, he held it up to his grandmother’s pelvic area and pushed the button.)

    Grandma: “OOOOOOOOH! It’s a vibrator! ”

    Little boy: *laughing* “Did it tickle?”

    Grandma: “Yes, it tickled! But put it down before you break it and your daddy has to buy it.”

    Little boy: *skips out toward main mall* “It’s a vibrator, a vibrator! I vibrated Granny!!!”

    Now Hiring: Omniscient Employees

    | Naples, FL, USA |

    Me: ¬†”Good morning, this is ***. How may I help you?”

    Caller: ¬†”Hi there! ¬†About a month ago you guys had a festival in the
    park, right?”

    Me: ¬†”Yes, we did. It was excellent. Did you attend it?”

    Caller: ¬†”No,¬†I had just remembered seeing the ad for it in the newspaper.”

    Me: ¬†”Okay. Well, that one is over but we will be having another Christmas festival in December.”

    Caller: ¬†”That’s fantastic, but I was wondering… above your ad was an ad for a jewelry store. ¬†Do you remember?”

    Me: ¬†”No, I don’t, I’m sorry. I just placed the ad.¬†I didn’t really see it in the newspaper.”

    Caller: ¬†”Well, it was for a jewelry store… I was wondering if you knew what store it was and if you have their number handy?”

    Me: ¬†”Umm, no I don’t. Maybe you can call the newspaper and find out?”

    Caller: ¬†”Well, why don’t YOU have it?! It was above YOUR ad!”

    I’m Afraid You Can’t Spell, Dave

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (I was monitoring the customers at the self-checkout machines when a customer holding a cilantro angrily waved me over.)

    Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “These machines are so useless! They don’t even have cilantro under the look-up list!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s because you’re looking under ‘S’ instead of ‘C’ – cilantro is spelled with a ‘C’.”

    Customer: “Oh, so you’re a know-it-all, huh? We’ll see what you know when these machines take over YOUR job one day!”

    Me: “…”

    Paranoia In The W.C.

    | Grayson, KY, USA |

    (I was just about to clean the ladies room, when a female customer walked up to me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, how do you lock this door?”

    Me: “There’s no lock on the door, but there’s stalls in there.”

    Customer: “But, what if someone tries watching me? I want to know I’m safe from voyeurs.”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure nobody will be watching.”

    Customer: “What about the men’s room? Is there a lock over there?”

    Me: “Well, there’s a stall in there, but there’s two in this one.”

    Customer: “But, no lock?”

    Me: “Would it help if I stood guard?”

    Customer: *now yelling* “Oh? So, you think you can get a little peep show?! Well, I’ll have you know that I won’t tolerate a pervert in my midst! I’ll take my business elsewhere, and you’re getting reported for harassment!”

    Me: “But, I–”

    Customer: “Good day!” *storms out*

    Manager: *listening from his office* “What was that all about?!”

    Me: “I don’t know.”

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