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    Will Stop Playing For Food

    | Rochester, NY, USA |

    (It’s the end of the day on my mother’s hot dog cart, when I was about 17. We stop cooking and decide to hang up a sign selling the remaining cooked food 2-for-1. There’s an annoying guy that’s been badly playing the accordion next to our cart
    all day. )

    Accordion guy: “Closing, eh? I’d like four Italian sausage, two cheeseburgers, and two hot dogs!”

    (My mom happily packs up the order into a box as I ring up the total.)

    Me: “That’ll be $10.50.”

    Accordion guy: “What? No! It’s $4!”

    Me: “Cheeseburgers are $3.50, sausage is $3, and hot dogs are $2. We’re having a special right now, but there’s still no way it adds up to only $4.”

    Accordion guy: “NO! Your sign says two-for-one! Two things for one dollar! I got eight things, so it’s $4!”

    Me: “That’s not at all what that sign means. It means you get two things for the price of one.”

    Accordion guy: “Yes it does! That’s exactly what it means!”

    Me: “Sir, I wrote the sign myself. Several customers have come up to the cart in the last few minutes, and haven’t had any trouble with this concept.”

    Accordion guy: “It’s $4!”

    Me: “You saying that doesn’t make it true.”

    My mom, quietly, to me: “Whatever. If he’s eating, he can’t play the accordion!”

    Me: “Sir, that will be $4, please!”

    Thou Shalt Grant Me A Floor Model

    | Madison, WI, USA |

    Customer: “Hello, I’d like to buy this TV, but I want a discount.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not authorized to give discounts. ”

    Customer: “Ever?”

    Me: “Only on floor models.”

    Customer: “Then I want the floor model!”

    Me: “We’re only authorized to sell the floor model when we’re out of boxed product. Since the TV you want is right there on the shelf brand-new, I don’t have any reason to sell you the floor model. ¬†If I did that I’d just have to open another one.”

    Customer: “But I want a discount! I’m a missionary!”

    Me: “…what?”

    Customer: “I’m a missionary! I need this TV for my RV so I want a discount.”

    Me: “Let me get a manager for you…”

    (Yes, the manager sold him the floor model for 10% off.)

    Not So Dead She Can’t Come Back And Wring Your Neck

    | Lakewood, CO, USA |

    (A dad and two little kids–one boy and one girl–are buying books. Both of the kids were paying with gift cards.)

    Customer: “… and you have your late great grandma Miriam to thank for all these books!”

    Customer’s little boy: *happily, to coworker* “She’s DEAD!”

    Coming Soon:

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling Gift Card Support, this is ****. Can I have your name, please?”

    Customer: “Oh! Uh! You don’t have an automated service?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir… what do you mean?”

    Customer: “Automated service–a recording answering the call, and not an actual person.”

    Me: “No, sir. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Uh, um… I don’t want to deal with a real person, I want a recording.”

    Me: “Sorry sir, but all you have is me. Do you want to check the balance on your card?”

    Customer: *voice trembling* “You know what? Never mind, I was expecting this to be an automated service.” *click*

    Related: Paul English’s database

    Simultaneously Fighting And Financing The Man

    | Denmark |

    (This took place at a department store makeup counter. Everyone at the counter was wearing big makeup masks at the time.)

    Customer: “Why are you wearing that?”

    Me: “Well, we’re having a ‘theme day’ to be creative and have fun with the makeup we sell.”

    Customer: “You know it’s bad for you, right?”

    Me: “The makeup?”

    Customer: “Yeah! All the CLEVER people say that!”

    Coworker: *jumping in* “Well, we have educations here too, and–”

    Customer: “Yeah, sure…you’re educated to sell this…this, stuff!”

    Me: “Whether the makeup is bad for you or not depends on the ingredients. I’m happy to look every one of those up for you if you’re worried about the makeup harming you.”

    Customer: “Yeah, right. All the dangerous ingredients are going to go right through my skin…and…the CLEVER people say that!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m a chemistry major as well as a makeup artist, so I actually do know about the ingredients. I can assure you that–”

    Customer: *turns to my coworker* “Could you help me find a blusher in a color that would suit me, please?”

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