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    He’s Gonna Need A Huge Courtroom

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    (Note: I’m calling to renew magazine subscriptions.)

    Me: “Hello, may I speak with ***?”

    Customer: “This is him, and you know… I’ve gotten five calls from Boise Idaho today!”

    Me: “So sorry, but I assure you it wasn’t us. Our system only calls once per day.”

    Customer: “Do you work for them! Do you work for Boise Idaho?”

    Me: “Yeah, I guess. But there are a number of call centers here in Boise. Maybe one of them called you?”

    Customer: “No! It was Boise Idaho! You know what? This is what’s going to happen… let me have your name!”

    Me: *gives name*

    Customer: “Well, son, you are now involved in a lawsuit! I am suing Boise Idaho and everyone who works for Boise Idaho!”

    Me: “… Are you serious?”

    Customer: “Yes! I get calls all the time from Boise Idaho and I’m sick of it! I’m on a do not call list!”

    Me: “Well, you subscribed to this magazine, so the list doesn’t apply. However, I can put you on our system’s do not call list and we will never bother you again.”

    Customer: “This is so illegal. I’m taking your job and suing Boise Idaho!”

    Me: “I wish you the best of luck in suing Boise, Idaho sir, I really do.” *click*

    Equal Opportunity Intolerance

    | Ann Arbor, MI, USA |

    (At our credit union, we have one teller with a neurological disorder that causes a constant, but mild tremor in her hands.)

    Customer: *shouts across the lobby* “Hey, you, are you the manager?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Then get your a** over here!”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “This woman is sitting here shaking in her g**d*** boots waiting on me and son because we are [race].”

    Me: “Ma‚Äôam, I assure you she is not shaking because you are [race]. She is treating you the same way she treats every member.

    Customer:¬†”NO!” *points at teller* “You are a racist! I have never seen someone so scared of [race]. This is blatant discrimination!”

    Teller: “Ma‚Äôam, I have an illness that causes me mild tremors. It has nothing to do with you.”

    Customer: “Well, I feel like I am being discriminated against. If you really do have an illness there should be a sign over your window telling people about it so they can avoid coming to your window so they don‚Äôt get scared and upset.”

    Me: “Now that would be discrimination, right?”

    Customer: *storms off*

    The Lights Are On But Nobody’s Home

    | Bay Area, CA |

    Client: “I need to see if I can get a settlement advancement because I only have enough money to pay my rent or electricity bill.”

    Me: “I will talk to the adjuster and see if we can get an advancement, but they don’t have to give you one and we can not force them.”

    Client: “That’s great, thank you… but which bill should I pay?”

    Me: “I am not going to tell you what to do, but let me ask you this: what good is electricity if you do not have a place to live?”

    Client: “So, which bill should I pay then?”

    Me: “… Really?”

    I’m In Ur Hubz Burnin Ur Portz

    | Utah, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to *** support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “One of my computers doesn’t have internet.”

    Me: “Okay, is it in a hub?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Can you try a different port?”

    (I hear scuffling in the background.)

    Customer: “It works now.”

    Me: “Well, great. That port on your hub must be burned out. Just order a new hub from your admin, or use this port instead.”

    Customer: “But why?”

    Me: “Because it’s burned out.”

    Customer: “I know, but why is burned out?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I like this port! How could it be burned out?”

    Me: “It just is. It’s like reaching into a bag of chips and getting that green one: sometimes it just happens.”

    Customer: “That’s chips, this is a hub! I want to know why it burned out! Tell me why!”

    Me: “I don’t know! Terrorists or something did it!”

    Customer: *hangs up*

    Cube mate: “Terrorists?”

    Who’s The Man Now

    | Boise, ID, USA | Top

    (It’s past closing time and I’ve just dealt with a rush of 3 new applications that took 15 minutes each, and am moving on to the next customer.)

    Me: “Sorry about that, what can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Well, these movies aren’t working. They are all scratched.”

    Me: “Sorry about that. Pick whatever you want and I’ll exchange them.”

    Customer: “Thank you.”

    (A few minutes later, a big, flannel clad man walks in.)

    Customer’s husband: “My wife was just in here for half an hour! ”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that…” *explains situation*

    Customer’s husband: “I don’t care! You need to have more than one register open! Where is your manager?!”

    Me: “He is in the back. We were suppose to close 45 minutes ago which is why I’m the only one on the register.”

    Customer’s husband: “You idiot! I need to see him now!”

    Me: “He’ll be here… now calm down!”

    Customer’s husband: “YOU MADE MY PREGNANT WIFE STAND IN LINE FOR HALF AN HOUR!”

    Me: “Well, sir… maybe you should have been a man and came in here instead of your wife.”

    Customer’s husband: *speechless*

    (My manager had to pretend to fire me in front of him, but we later joked about him in the back room.)


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