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    Now Hiring: Omniscient Employees

    | Naples, FL, USA |

    Me: ¬†”Good morning, this is ***. How may I help you?”

    Caller: ¬†”Hi there! ¬†About a month ago you guys had a festival in the
    park, right?”

    Me: ¬†”Yes, we did. It was excellent. Did you attend it?”

    Caller: ¬†”No,¬†I had just remembered seeing the ad for it in the newspaper.”

    Me: ¬†”Okay. Well, that one is over but we will be having another Christmas festival in December.”

    Caller: ¬†”That’s fantastic, but I was wondering… above your ad was an ad for a jewelry store. ¬†Do you remember?”

    Me: ¬†”No, I don’t, I’m sorry. I just placed the ad.¬†I didn’t really see it in the newspaper.”

    Caller: ¬†”Well, it was for a jewelry store… I was wondering if you knew what store it was and if you have their number handy?”

    Me: ¬†”Umm, no I don’t. Maybe you can call the newspaper and find out?”

    Caller: ¬†”Well, why don’t YOU have it?! It was above YOUR ad!”

    I’m Afraid You Can’t Spell, Dave

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (I was monitoring the customers at the self-checkout machines when a customer holding a cilantro angrily waved me over.)

    Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “These machines are so useless! They don’t even have cilantro under the look-up list!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s because you’re looking under ‘S’ instead of ‘C’ – cilantro is spelled with a ‘C’.”

    Customer: “Oh, so you’re a know-it-all, huh? We’ll see what you know when these machines take over YOUR job one day!”

    Me: “…”

    Paranoia In The W.C.

    | Grayson, KY, USA |

    (I was just about to clean the ladies room, when a female customer walked up to me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, how do you lock this door?”

    Me: “There’s no lock on the door, but there’s stalls in there.”

    Customer: “But, what if someone tries watching me? I want to know I’m safe from voyeurs.”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure nobody will be watching.”

    Customer: “What about the men’s room? Is there a lock over there?”

    Me: “Well, there’s a stall in there, but there’s two in this one.”

    Customer: “But, no lock?”

    Me: “Would it help if I stood guard?”

    Customer: *now yelling* “Oh? So, you think you can get a little peep show?! Well, I’ll have you know that I won’t tolerate a pervert in my midst! I’ll take my business elsewhere, and you’re getting reported for harassment!”

    Me: “But, I–”

    Customer: “Good day!” *storms out*

    Manager: *listening from his office* “What was that all about?!”

    Me: “I don’t know.”

    This Quote Brought To You By The Number TWO

    | Burlington, Ontario, Canada | Top

    Customer: *on the phone* “I know you aren’t tech support, but I have an easy question.”

    Me: “Ok…”

    Customer: “How do you make the @ symbol…you know, for the email?”

    Me: “You hold the shift key and press 2.”

    Customer: “Won’t that just make a capital 2?”

    Me: “…”

    All Signs Point To Yes

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A customer is at the refund counter to return a DVD player. I get called over to inspect it, because I work in the electronics department.)

    Coworker: “Alright, everything seems okay. May I see your receipt?”

    (The customer hands over her receipt, but it’s dated July. It was November at the time. Our return policy only allows for 45 days.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I cannot give you a refund, because this is from July.”

    Customer: “But the electronics associate said I can return it anytime!”

    Coworker: “Do you remember who it was?”

    Customer: “It was that young man!” *points towards me*

    Me: “Ma’am, I have never told you such a thing.”

    Customer: “Yes you did! Are you calling me a liar?!”

    Me: “Well, I’m just a seasonal worker who got hired two weeks ago, so…”

    Related:
    All Signs Point To Duh
    All Signs Point To No

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