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    Air Mattress 2: The Secret Of The Ooze

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    Me: “Hi sir, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I bought this air mattress here a few weeks ago. It was a good deal, but something’s not right.”

    Me: “Does it have a leak, perhaps? That’s a fairly common problem.”

    Customer: “No no, nothing like that. It holds the air fine.”

    Me: “All right – what’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It’s mutating. It just keeps growing on its own.”

    (I look at the mattress, which fits perfectly fine in its box.)

    Me: “Growing?”

    Customer: “Yes, it’s alive! The sheets don’t fit it anymore, and it won’t stop expanding. I was sold a mutating mattress!”

    Thou Shalt Not Use The Lord’s Name To Haggle

    , | Dallas, TX, USA | Money, Religion

    (My coworker has just put together a very expensive PA System for the pastor of a church.)

    Coworker: “Alright pastor, is there anything else I can get for you today?”

    Pastor: “No… thank you. I’m very grateful for all your help. What is the price, son?”

    Coworker: “Well, after all of the added items and sales tax, your total comes to $4,478.89.”

    Pastor: “What!? Let me ask you this… what would JESUS pay for this?!”

    Coworker: *without delay* “Sir, Jesus paid the ultimate price and died for your sins. Your total is still $4,478.89.”

    (The pastor was not amused, but paid the full amount.)

    Either She’s A Revisionist Scholar, Or She Needs A Dictionary

    , | Iowa, USA | History

    Me: “Ma’am, may I help you find a particular title?”

    Customer: “I don’t know exactly what I want. I just want a good book to read.”

    Me: “Is there a topic that you are especially interested in?”

    Customer: “I like historical stuff.”

    Me: “Great! What kind of history specifically?”

    Customer: *stares blankly*

    Me: “For instance, a particular time period, or the history of a certain country?”

    Customer: “American history, obviously.”

    Me: “We have some really great American history books, right over here.”

    (I lead her to the proper section and pull a few titles to show her.)

    Customer: “These are all about stuff that really happened. I want a story.”

    Me: “Okay, so, historical fiction then? I’m sure we can find something for you.”

    Customer: “No! I want something like this…”

    (She gestures to a book she rejected, a non fiction title about American history.)

    Customer: “… only I want it to be made up.”

    Me: “Right, historical fiction. Let’s start with a time frame within American history and I’m sure we can find something.”

    Customer: *sighs melodramatically* “I don’t want FICTION, I want a book with a story that is MADE UP!”

    Those Foreigners And Their Funny Continents

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (I’m visiting a friend of mine at work when this exchange occurs.)

    Customer: *notes my friend’s nametag* “Matt-ie-oh… what a neat name, where’s it from?”

    Friend: “It’s pronounced mah-tay-oh, actually. It’s Spanish.”

    Customer: “Oh, really? You don’t look Mexican.”

    Friend: “I’m not, I’m Spanish.”

    Customer: “Well, what’s the difference?”

    Friend: “The Atlantic Ocean?”

    Comprehension Hazy, Try Again

    | Norfolk, UK |

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes. Where it says ‘frame includes single-vision lenses’, does that mean I can’t have trifocals?”

    Me: “No, it just means that the cost of the frame includes the price of single-vision lenses. If you wanted trifocals we would charge you the upgrade price to have them. They start at ¬£49 on top of the frame.”

    Customer: “What’s the difference?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “The difference between single-vision or trifocals?”

    Me: Oh, well, trifocals give you three different magnifications, into distance, intermediate and reading. Single-vision will only give you one of those.”

    Customer: “Why can’t I have a single-vision lens that does all of those?”

    Me: *checking her prescription* “…because your eyes need different levels of magnification to see each one clearly.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “When you are over forty, your eyes start to become lazy and have trouble focusing on close-up things, as well as things that are far away.”

    Customer: “I’m not lazy just because I’m over forty! Let me speak to your manager! I have never been so insulted!”

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