November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Suffering From A-Salt

| Alabama, USA | Books & Reading, Health & Body, Top

(I’m the director of our small-town library. One of my summer volunteers is a 16 year old girl who is a diabetic. She works the lunch shift, and I allow her to eat her lunch at the checkout counter.)

Patron: *to the volunteer* “Hey, can you tell me if you have this book?” *hands over a sheet of paper*

Volunteer: *putting fork down* “Yes. It’s over here. I’ll go get it for you.”

(She walks away. I notice the lady at the desk sniffing the air. She looks around, clearly sees me staring at her, and proceeds to take a large bite of my volunteer’s food. She obviously doesn’t like it, and takes a large container of something out of her purse and dumps it all over the food. She takes another bite, and looks satisfied.)

Volunteer: *coming back* “Here’s your…wait. Why are you eating my lunch?”

Patron: “It was a free sample. And I must say, whoever made it is a terrible cook. It’s very tasteless. I have to put my entire container of salt on this to make it edible!”

Volunteer: “That was my lunch. I’m a diabetic, so of course it wouldn’t taste very good!”

Me: “Ma’am, you just ate her lunch. Why?”

(As I am talking the volunteer scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It says, ‘Ignore what I’m about to do’. She then falls to the ground shaking and convulsing.)

Patron: “Oh s***!” *runs out of the library*

Volunteer: “I learned how to do that to get my brothers in trouble.”

Bird Brained, Part 6

| Kansas City, KS, USA | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “No, just the bird seed will do.”

Me: “Alright then.”

Customer: “CACAAWW!”

(Moments later, a similar bird call comes from the other end of the store.)

Me: “What was that?”

Customer: “Oh that’s my wife. We do that so we can always find each other wherever we go.”

Early Bird Brained
Bird Brained
Bird Brained, Part 2
Bird Brained, Part 3
Bird Brained, Part 4
Bird Brained, Part 5

You’ll Just Have To Weight

| Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Uncategorized

Customer: “Could you add the tomato I sampled to the total price?”

Me: “Do you mean you ate it?”

Customer: “Yes, please add it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we charge tomatoes by the pound, so that would be kind of hard to do.”

Customer: *thinks for a second* “Well, I weighed 157 pounds before I ate it…”

Assault And Battery

| Massachusetts, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi, I think I have a problem with my computer. I tried fixing it myself, but now it’s just not booting at all. I’d like to have it backed up too while you’re at it, because I run a business and I can’t afford to lose anything.”

(The next day, I call the customer.)

Me: “Hello sir, was this the only copy you had for your business data?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, do you have any disgruntled employees that may have had access to your computer recently?”

Customer: “No, why?”

Me: “Well sir, the hard drive has been hacked at with what looks like a flat-head screwdriver, severing a connection on the bottom.  It appears very deliberate, and we wont be able to retrieve your data.”

Customer: “Do you mean the battery?”

Me: “No, sir, the hard drive.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought that little round thing on the bottom of the hard drive was a battery. I was just trying to replace it. Well, I’ll just come in and pick that up.”

Customer: “Very good sir.”

(4 minutes later, he calls back.)

Customer: “Just a quick thing, if my wife comes in, and asks about it, could you leave that part out?”

With Customers Like These, Who Needs Anemones

| Seattle, WA, USA | Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

Guest: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Me: “Hi there! Do you have a question?”

Guest: “Yes. What is this?” *points to a specimen*

Me: “That is called a sea anemone.”

Guest: “Oh…” *walks away, only to walk back a few moments later* “What are they the enemies of?”