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    Magic Marker

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Excuse me, I want a piece of this cheese but the only one you have expires tomorrow.”

    Me: “Sorry, it looks like we’re sold out of that kind. Our truck comes in tomorrow though.”

    Customer: *holding out the piece of cheese* “Well just put more days on it then!”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “Just put more days on this piece!”

    Me: “You want me to print a new label with a different expiration date?”

    Customer: “Yeah!”

    Me: “Ma’am, no matter what the label says, the cheese is going to expire tomorrow.”

    Customer: “That’s just stupid!”

    Try Telling That To The Banks

    | Garland, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Uncategorized

    (I am working the returns counter when a couple walks in with a set of weights.)

    Me: “How can we help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, we need to return this. It’s the wrong color.”

    Me: “Okay, do you have your receipt?”

    Customer: “Yes. But we’re going to do an exchange for something cheaper. Is it alright if we get what’s left over on a gift card?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (The couple go shopping and come back. We go through the transaction.)

    Me: “Alright, so $60.00 will be credited back. Do you have the credit card you used?”

    Customer: “But we wanted the extra on a gift card.”

    Me: “Yes, but since theft is a common problem, it’s store policy to check your ID first.  I just need to verify that you have the original card.”

    Customer: “But we want the extra on a gift card.  Do you understand? What’s left over, on a gift card!”

    Me: “Yes, I understand, but I need to see the original card first.”

    Customer: “But I don’t have it. I don’t own that card!”

    Me: “Then I’m afraid we can’t do this transaction.”

    Customer: “No, you don’t understand. I want what’s left over on a gift card, so that my wife can use it!”

    Me: “Yes, but sir, it’s illegal for us to take somebody else’s money without their permission.”

    Customer: “God D*****! Since when do you need permission to get somebody else’s money?”

    Thick Accents, Thicker Heads

    | New Zealand | Books & Reading, Movies & TV, Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

    (A teenage girl enters the library.)

    Me: “Hi, do you need help?”

    Customer: “Oh, yeah, I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Okay. Are you a member of this library or any other Wellington library?”

    Customer: “Oh, no. I’m here with my mother for the US summer ’cause I live with Dad in Florida.”

    Me: “We can sign you up to the library for free and issue you a card. The card will cost two dollars.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “So, what book were you looking for?”

    Customer: “Twilight. Have you heard of it? Most people in America have read it, but I’m not sure if it’s here.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah. It was quite big for a while. My sister loved it.”

    Customer: “It’s my second favorite book ever, after Eclipse.”

    Me: “Oh, did you leave your copy in America?”

    Customer: “No, I just wanted a copy from here because everyone here has really funny accents  and I wanted to know how that would change the story.”

    Cross Examining Churches

    | Saint John, NB, Canada | Religion, Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

    (I don’t work in tourism though I must seem like a friendly person since I do get a lot of people stopping me to ask questions of where things are.)

    Tourist: “Are you familiar with the area? Do you live around here?”

    Me: “Yes I do, what can I help you with?”

    Tourist: “I’m looking for a cathedral in this area somewhere.”

    Me: “Okay, which one in particular? There’s about four around here.”

    Tourist: “I’m looking for a Catholic cathedral.”

    Me: “Okay, let me think…the Anglican church is that way, there’s one near by don’t know what it is, one over up the street a ways–”

    Tourist: “I don’t want no Anglican church! Bloody Anglican whores! I want Catholic!”

    Me: “I think it’s that one right over there.” *I point at the church*

    Tourist: “Yes, that’s a cathedral. It had better not be Anglican or I’ll hunt you down!”

    Finals At Hogwarts

    | Australia | School, Uncategorized

    (One of my students was absent the day of a test and she has had just handed it in.)

    Me: “Okay, class. Now that [name] has done the test, I can give you them back.”

    (I hand out the test papers.)

    Student: “Where’s mine?”

    Me: “You just did yours today. I’ll have it back to you tomorrow.”

    Student: “But you just said!”

    Me: “How was I supposed to mark it in 5 minutes?”

    Student: *completely serious* “Doesn’t it just automatically mark itself?”

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