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    Just Check The Stalk’s Expiration Date

    | Nova Scotia, Canada |

    (This happened during corn season last year.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, how fresh is this corn?”

    Me: “It was just picked this morning, so it’s about as fresh as it gets.”

    Customer: “Yes, but God knows how long it’s been growing!”

    Going For Broke With The Gouda

    | Cottonwood Heights, UT, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “**** Pizza, will this be for delivery or carry-out?”

    Caller: “Delivery.”

    (We go through the order, and we come to the toppings.)

    Caller: “Yeah, a supreme pizza. And make sure the toppings aren’t cheesy!”

    Me: “You don’t want cheese on them?”

    Caller: “No! I said I don’t want them to be cheesy!”

    Me: “Um, our toppings are of good quality…”

    Caller: “I’m sure they are, but I don’t want them cheesy! CHEESY!”

    (I hear a kid’s voice in the background.)

    Caller: “Oh, my eight-year-old says to say, ‘don’t hold back on the toppings’. You understand that?”

    Me: “Oh…yes, I understand now.”

    Caller: “Good. Don’t be cheesy.”

    It’s How Old Folks Say I Love You

    | Fridley, MN, USA | Top

    (I’m ringing up a young man’s order. There’s an older regular customer drinking coffee at a table across from our counter.)

    Me: “Okay, your total comes to $5.63.”

    Young man: “Oh, all I have is $5. I left my wallet at home.”

    Older customer: “What’s he short, a dollar? Here, I’ll give him a dollar. Come here kid.”

    (The young man walks over to the older customer’s table to get the dollar.)

    Young man: “Thank you, thank you so–”

    Older customer: “WHY DON’T YOU GET A F***ING JOB?!”

    Young man: *runs out of the store*

    Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Top

    (I’ve just finished ringing up some items for a customer and her daughter.)

    Me: “It looks like your customer card is about to expire. Would you like to renew it now?”

    Customer: “Yes, I would.”

    Me: “Okay, just press the green button on the key pad.”

    (The total rings up as $24.32.)

    Customer: “Okay, I want to pay cash.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (We stand there for a few seconds as the customer continues to stare at the total on the register.)

    Customer: “Well, what do I do?”

    Customer’s daughter: “Are you serious?”

    Customer: “Yeah, there is no cash button. What do I do?”

    Customer’s daughter: “Mom.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Customer’s daughter: “Hand the poor woman your cash.”

    Customer: *hands me cash* “I’m so sorry…I’m used to the machine telling me what to do!”

    Customer’s daughter, to me: “She’s not too bright, but she is real pretty. She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.”

    Customer: “Smart a**!”

    Saving The Earth, 7 MPG At A Time

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Top

    (A customer comes up to the counter with her arms full of books. After I ring them all through, I proceed to put her books in a bag.)

    Customer: “Actually, I don’t need a bag. I’m doing my part to save the environment!”

    Me: “Oh, okay then!”

    (I hand her her receipt and wish her a nice day, but she doesn’t move.)

    Customer: “Excuse me…aren’t you going to help me carry my books to my car?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m the only employee working here and there are other customers.”

    Customer: “I beg your pardon? That’s rather rude! Help me carry my books to my car! They do it at grocery stores all the time. There is no reason why you can’t do it here!”

    Me: “We don’t do that sort of thing here. If you want, you can bring back your bags. We’ll gladly re-use them.”

    Customer: “No, I can’t do that! Now help me take my books to the car!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I just can’t leave the store unattended.”

    Customer: “Fine! But if I drop my books and damage them, you’re giving me free replacements!”

    (The customer scoops all her books up in her arms and storms out. I watch her walk all the way across to the other side of the parking lot, stop, and intentionally drop her books into a puddle. She stomps back in and barges her way to the front of the line.)

    Customer: “See, look what happened! Give me your phone right now! I am calling your managers and you’re going to get fired!”

    Me: “Alright, here is the number for our downtown store.”

    (The customer picks up the store phone and begins dialing.)

    Customer:“Yes, I need to speak with the manager right away… Yeah I’m at your south store and your incompetent employee wouldn’t help me carry my books to my car. I dropped them and now they are ruined!… Well, yes… Yes she did offer me bags… No, I’m not disabled… Yes I’m aware that shes the only… What?! I can’t believe this!”

    (The customer hangs up the phone, defeated and turns to me.)

    Customer: “You should be ashamed of yourself! At least I’m saving the environment!”

    (I watch her walk through the parking lot again and get into her vehicle. Ironically, it’s a huge SUV.)

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