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    Please Burn Before Returning

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (I work at a large outdoor equipment store. ¬†I had an older woman approach the register with a female urinary device — which is used for winter mountaineering, so that women can use pee bottles in their tents.)

    Me: ¬†”Howdy. Did you find everything you were looking for?”

    Customer: ¬†”Well, I’m looking at this — do they work well?”

    Me: ¬†”Uh, well, I imagine so, but I don’t have any experience with that product.”

    Customer: ¬†”Can I return it if it doesn’t work?”

    Me: ¬†”We have a 100% satisfaction guarantee on everything we sell here in the store. I will ask, however, that if you return it, you clean it first and double bag it!”

    How About We Get Them To Do An Irish Jig For You

    | Israel |

    (A customer is looking at the live fish swimming in the tank at the supermarket where my mom works.)

    Customer: “Are these fresh?”

    Mom: “They’re alive.”

    Customer: “But are they FRESH?”

    Mom: “… yes.”

    At Least He Can Tell Time

    | Ithaca, NY, USA |

    College student: “Do you have any stamps?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry. This is a library.”

    College student: “But I need to buy some stamps.”

    Me: “I can’t help you. We don’t sell stamps in the library. You should try the post office in [college building] tomorrow.”

    College student: “But I need the stamps now. Can’t I just have some stamps?”

    Me: “Listen, libraries don’t sell stamps. The post office will sell you stamps tomorrow morning when it opens. But right now, in this building, I can not sell you stamps.”

    College student: “So you’ll sell me stamps tomorrow?”

    Me: “Listen, you can’t even mail anything on a Sunday evening. Why don’t you come back later?”

    (Not surprisingly, he came back at 8 the next morning demanding stamps.)

    Chilly Reception

    | Belfast, Ireland |

    (I was working at the kiosk where we sell sweets and drinks when this transaction occurred with an old woman over the bottled water.)

    Customer: “Is that water cold?”

    Me: “Yes, it’s just out of the fridge.”

    Customer: “I don’t see a fridge.”

    (I gesture towards the fridge a few feet away from the kiosk.)

    Customer: “Can’t I just have one out of there?”

    Me: “Yeah, of course.”

    (I fetch her one out of the fridge.)

    Customer: “That doesn’t look too cold to me.”

    Me: “…well, you can feel for yourself, if you like. It really is quite cold.”

    Customer: “No. You do it.”

    (I put my hand against the bottle and then pretend to flinch.)

    Me: “You’re right, ma’am, it’s boiling hot. I’m very sorry about that.”

    Customer: “I’ll just have a Coke then.”

    Me: “…”

    Heal The Blind, Raise The Dead, & Now A Book Deal

    | San Diego, Ca, USA |

    Customer: “I’m looking for the autobiography of Jesus.”

    Me: “Um, do you mean a biography of Jesus?”

    Customer: “No! I want the AUTO-biography of Jesus! Where would it be?”

    Me: “Well, I guess you could try the Bible section…”

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