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    Getting Lost On The Super Highway

    | Waterloo, Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “**** Pizza, **** speaking. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need directions to your store.”

    Me: “OK, we’re located at **** Drive and **** Street.”

    Customer: “So, if I come out of my driveway, do I turn left or right? East or West?

    Me: “Uh… do you have a computer?”

    Customer: “Yes, but why?”

    Me: “Well, there’s this website, Mapquest.com–they should be able to help you.”

    Customer: “Oh, well how do I get to Mapquest? Left or right?”

    That’s One Small Kneeprint For Man

    , | Toronto, Canada | Top

    (I was in a record store and I overheard this conversation.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my dad. He likes jazz – who do you recommend?”

    Clerk: “Well, Louis Armstrong is pretty popular.”

    Customer: “Louis Armstrong? Isn’t he the astronaut? He’s like the first guy to walk on the moon.”

    Clerk: “No, no, you’re thinking Neil.”

    Customer: “Fine, whatever, the first guy to kneel on the moon.”

    Will Stop Playing For Food

    | Rochester, NY, USA |

    (It’s the end of the day on my mother’s hot dog cart, when I was about 17. We stop cooking and decide to hang up a sign selling the remaining cooked food 2-for-1. There’s an annoying guy that’s been badly playing the accordion next to our cart
    all day. )

    Accordion guy: “Closing, eh? I’d like four Italian sausage, two cheeseburgers, and two hot dogs!”

    (My mom happily packs up the order into a box as I ring up the total.)

    Me: “That’ll be $10.50.”

    Accordion guy: “What? No! It’s $4!”

    Me: “Cheeseburgers are $3.50, sausage is $3, and hot dogs are $2. We’re having a special right now, but there’s still no way it adds up to only $4.”

    Accordion guy: “NO! Your sign says two-for-one! Two things for one dollar! I got eight things, so it’s $4!”

    Me: “That’s not at all what that sign means. It means you get two things for the price of one.”

    Accordion guy: “Yes it does! That’s exactly what it means!”

    Me: “Sir, I wrote the sign myself. Several customers have come up to the cart in the last few minutes, and haven’t had any trouble with this concept.”

    Accordion guy: “It’s $4!”

    Me: “You saying that doesn’t make it true.”

    My mom, quietly, to me: “Whatever. If he’s eating, he can’t play the accordion!”

    Me: “Sir, that will be $4, please!”

    Thou Shalt Grant Me A Floor Model

    | Madison, WI, USA |

    Customer: “Hello, I’d like to buy this TV, but I want a discount.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not authorized to give discounts. ”

    Customer: “Ever?”

    Me: “Only on floor models.”

    Customer: “Then I want the floor model!”

    Me: “We’re only authorized to sell the floor model when we’re out of boxed product. Since the TV you want is right there on the shelf brand-new, I don’t have any reason to sell you the floor model. ¬†If I did that I’d just have to open another one.”

    Customer: “But I want a discount! I’m a missionary!”

    Me: “…what?”

    Customer: “I’m a missionary! I need this TV for my RV so I want a discount.”

    Me: “Let me get a manager for you…”

    (Yes, the manager sold him the floor model for 10% off.)

    Not So Dead She Can’t Come Back And Wring Your Neck

    | Lakewood, CO, USA |

    (A dad and two little kids–one boy and one girl–are buying books. Both of the kids were paying with gift cards.)

    Customer: “… and you have your late great grandma Miriam to thank for all these books!”

    Customer’s little boy: *happily, to coworker* “She’s DEAD!”

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