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    Voodoo Or Do Not, There Is No Jedi

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging

    (I’m the resort coordinator and often deal with claims from guests who have had an incident.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [resort]. How may I help you today?”

    Guest: *already irate* “You can help me by filing a claim for me! I slipped and fell on your property during my vacation and I deserve compensation.”

    Me: “I’m so very sorry that happened to you. Can you please provide me with your name and the dates of your stay so I can pull the incident report?”

    (She gives me the information.)

    Me: “It seems that your stay with us occurred in 2007, almost three years ago. The report says you didn’t want to file a claim at the time. May I ask why you’re just now contacting us?”

    Guest: “You should know! You’re the one that hired that voodoo man!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Guest: “The security guard! The security guard who helped me up! He wiped my memory and his spell just wore off!”

    Me: “He wiped your memory?”

    Guest: “That’s what I just said, you idiot! Wiped it clean so I wouldn’t sue you people!”

    Me: “He wiped your memory? Like a Jedi?”

    Guest: “Yes! A Jedi! Now you understand why I have to deal with this now! That voodoo man is evil!”

    Ordering Pizza, Talking Baloney

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I am a lunch lady at a high school, and one of the students there is going to be leaving for a trip to Italy soon.)

    Me: “What kind of pizza would you like?”

    Student: “One pepperoni, one cheese.”

    Me: “So are you excited to spend two months in Italy?”

    Student: “Yeah, but I’m really going to miss all the good food here at school. Especially pizza.”

    Me: “But you’ll be in Italy right? So you can have pizza there.”

    Student: “Yeah but it won’t be authentic pizza from America. It’ll just be cheap Italian knock-offs.”

    Related:
    Ordering Meatballs, Talking Baloney

    Not Exactly Gifted

    | Culver City, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Money

    (Customer has been hovering around my register for the past few minutes.)

    Me: “Can I help you find something, sir?”

    Customer: “Do these gift cards have expiration dates?”

    Me: “Nope, they’ll last until you feel like spending them.”

    Customer: “Oh. Uh, where can I find the restroom?”

    (As soon as I turn around and point to the bathroom, he grabs a rack of gift cards and sprints for the door, trailing cards behind him.)

    Me: *yelling after him* “Sir, those don’t have anything on them until you purchase them.”

    (He stops at the door for a moment, then sheepishly returns and puts the rack back.)

    Customer: “Why don’t you guys have a freaking sign out saying they’re empty?!”

    Should Have Pleaded The Fifth

    | Maine, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

    (We use a simple chalk-marking system to monitor how long cars have been parked downtown.)

    Man: *seeing me make a small chalk mark on a car tire* “Hey! You can’t do that!”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure I can.”

    Man: “That’s illegal!”

    Me: *marking the next car* “How is it illegal?”

    Man: “It’s against the Fourth Amendment!”

    Me: “You mean the Fourth Amendment, which protects you from unlawful searches and seizures?”

    Man: “Don’t get medical with me!”

    Somebody’s Not Listening

    | Provo, UT, USA | Health & Body, Math & Science

    (I am leaving the small, medical clinic where I work in the laboratory. A couple enter the doors looking lost.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Woman: “We’re trying to find the, ‘er-ology’ clinic?”

    Me: “Ah urology. That’s on the second floor so if you go up the elevator-”

    Man: *interrupting* “Wait, wait! There it is right there!” (He points to a door that says ‘Ear, Nose and Throat’.)

    Me: “Well, actually that’s the door for Ear, Nose–”

    Man: *interrupting again* “Yeah! Ears. Like Ear-ology!”

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