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    If That Doesn’t Work, Try Hogwarts

    , | Manchester, UK |

    Customer: “Oi you! I need a coat and it’s not here!”

    Me: “Certainly miss, do you have the catalogue number?”

    Customer: “No! I’ve told you it’s not here!”

    Me: “Okay, describe it.”

    Customer: “I want one that will keep me dry and warm in winter, but cool in summer.”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock magic coats.”

    Customer: “Well, where could I f***ing find one like it?!”

    Me: “… Narnia?”

    What’s A Synonym For Thesaurus

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, ma’am, can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “Yes, I need a synonym finder.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “A synonym finder… you know?”

    Me: “Oh, you mean a thesaurus?”

    Customer: “Yeah!”

    How Nicknames Are Born, Part 2

    | Berkshire County, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Hey, can you tell me where the rope is? I’ve been looking all over for it, but can’t seem to find it.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah it’s just over this way.”

    (I lead him to the hardware aisle, and halfway down there’s a big sign that says “Ropes” with a picture of a rope on it.)

    Me: “Right down there.¬†There’s actually a sign there that says ‘Ropes’.”

    Customer: “You’re f***ing douche bag, you know that?!”

    Me: *laughs, thinking he’s joking*

    Customer: “That was intentional, and I WILL talk to your manager!”

    Me: “I apologize–”

    Customer: “Anytime you wanna come to my house, you just lemme know, Dingleballs!”

    (And from that day forward, my nickname at work was “Dingleballs”.)

    Related:
    How Nicknames Are Born

    The Trouble With Seeing In Black And White

    | Halifax, NS, Canada |

    Caller: “I need to exchange this movie. It’s the wrong one.”

    Me: “Which movie were you looking for?”

    Caller:Big Momma’s House.”

    Me: “Um, what does it say on the case?”

    Caller:Big Momma’s House.”

    Me: “What does it say on the video cassette itself?”

    Caller:Big Momma’s House.”

    Me: “I’m thinking you have Big Momma’s House there, Ma’am.”

    Caller: “But…”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Caller: “But… there’s white people in it.”

    Me: “There are a few of us about, ma’am. We do sneak into the odd movie here and there.”

    Caller: *click*

    Insert Butt Crack Here

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’m having a problem with my suppositories. They’re not working at all!”

    Me: “Okay, let me get the pharmacist for you so he can help you.”

    (The customer decides to just yell the same question over two counters to the pharmacist in front of at least 10 other people.)

    Pharmacist: “Ma’am, would you like to come over to our consultation are so we can talk about this privately?”

    Customer: “No, I just want to know why my suppositories aren’t working!”

    Pharmacist: “Well, okay. Are they melting before you insert them?”

    Customer: “No, nothing like that!”

    Pharmacist: “Are they breaking up into pieces before you use them?”

    Customer: “No, no, nothing like that! They’re all in one piece and the same shape and all that stuff! I know how to follow the d*** directions!”

    Pharmacist: “Are parts of the foil wrapper sticking to it at all?”

    Customer: “What wrapper?!”

    (Note: the suppository wrappers are aluminum foil with sharp edges. Ouch.)

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