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    Imagine If It Had Been India…

    | Canada | Uncategorized

    Caller: “So, where are you located?”

    Me: “Canada.”

    Caller: “Oh my God! I’m speaking to Canada!”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Caller: “Wow, you speak English really good!”

    Me: “Uh, thank you?”

    Caller: *yells to husband excitedly* “Hey Bobby! I’m speaking to a foreign country!”

    Can’t Vouch(er) For His Intelligence

    | Miami, FL, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Cheeseburger and a small coke.”

    Me: “Alright, your total is $2.99.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Your total is $2.99, sir.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not. It’s free!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I won some of your scratch off things and got a free cheeseburger and small coke!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, you should have said that sooner. Well, give me the coupons then.”

    Customer: “I had to bring them?”

    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3

    | Brisbane, Queensland, Australia | Uncategorized

    Me: “Welcome, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, what’s the time in the UK now?”

    Me: “Its 9pm. They’re ten hours behind.”

    Customer: “Oh, so if I call the UK in another half hour, what time will it be?”

    Me: “It’ll be 9:30pm.”

    Customer: “You mean if half an hour passes here, it will also be half an hour later there?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: *surprised* “Oh! So that’s how it works?”

    Related:
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
    No Fortitude For Longitude
    No Aptitude For Latitude

    Replacing One Clause With Another

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Uncategorized

    (I’m talking to a caller about warranty issues for their kitchen appliance.)

    Me: “Unfortunately sir, that serial number tells me that your appliance is out of warranty. Do you happen to have a sales receipt or other proof of purchase showing it was purchased during the warranty period?”

    Caller: “No, it was a gift. I just got it for Christmas.”

    Me: “I am sorry to hear that sir. Is there any way you would be able to get the receipt from the person who got it for you? Or even a bank or credit card statement showing the date of purchase?”

    Caller: “But it was a gift!”

    Me: “I understand, sir, but without a proof of purchase, there’s nothing I can do under warranty. Are you positive you can’t check with the gift-giver and see if you can get something showing the date of purchase?”

    Caller: “It was from Santa!”

    Product May Require A Certain Level Of Manurity

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Uncategorized

    (A customer lifts bag of steer manure onto the counter.)

    Customer: “I’ve got a question. What makes steer manure different from mushroom manure?”

    Me: “Well, steer manure is made from the droppings of–”

    Customer: “Wait. You said droppings? As in waste?”

    Me: “Yes. Manure is made from decomposed waste.”

    Customer: “So…What exactly is a steer?”

    Me: “It’s just another name for a cow.”

    Customer: “So steer manure is…oh, God. Oh, God!” *leaves without buying the manure*

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