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    Please God, Let These Be Rhetorical Questions

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    Student: “Yeah, there’s something wrong with my academic transcript.”

    Me: “Oh, ok. What’s wrong with it?”

    Student: “It’s got fails on it.”

    (I start looking up his record on the database.)

    Me: “Yeah, I can see the fails. Did you pass those subjects?”

    Student: “No.”

    Me: “Okay, so you failed the subjects, and now they’re on your record as fails. That’s normally how it works.”

    Student: “Well, yeah… but can’t you, like, take them off? It looks bad!”

    Me: “…”

    Student: “How am I going to get a job?!”

    That’s What She Said

    | Abbotsford, BC, Canada |

    Me: “… so your purchase comes to [amount].”

    Customer: “Alright, on debit please.”

    Me: “Would you like a bag with that?”

    Customer: “Sure. I’ll just hold it open as wide as I can and you shove it in there.”

    Me: *laughs* “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

    It’s Okay, Let’s Find Some Toddlers

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I am looking for some dog food that is not animal tested.”

    Me: “Ma’am, all food made for animals has to be tested by animals. It’s dog food!”

    Customer: “You have got to be kidding me! Let me talk to your manager!”

    Be Careful What You Ask For, Part 4

    | Missouri, USA |

    Customer: “Yes, I’ll have a beer and my wife will have a diet cola.”

    Me: “Sir, we have over 80 beers to choose from. Did you know which one you wanted? Maybe I can make a suggestion for you.”

    Customer: “Just bring me whatever you like.”

    Me: *returns with beer* “Here you are, sir.”

    Customer: “This isn’t what I ordered! Let me speak to your manager.”

    Manager: “Is there a problem?”

    Customer: “This little a**hole brought me a beer I didn’t ask for.”

    Manager: “What did you order? I’ll go get one for you.”

    Customer: “I said to bring me whatever it is he drinks.”

    Manager & me: “…”

    Customer: “Oh…”

    Related:
    Be Careful What You Ask For, Part 3
    Be Careful What You Ask For, Part 2
    Be Careful What You Ask For

    The Good Excuses Have All Dried Up

    | Beaumont, TX, USA |

    (This phone call happened a month after hurricane Ike came through, and one of our clients missed his court date.)

    Me: “Sir, why did you miss your court date?”

    Client: “I’m not going back to jail! I missed court because I’m not back from the evaporation yet.”

    Me: “Uh…what?”

    Client: “I had to evaporate up north.”

    Me: “…really? Evaporate? How did you do that? Was it painful?”

    Client: “No! We rode a bus! What don’t you understand about having to evaporate?! I’m not going back to jail!”

    Me: *sigh*

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