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    We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Can

    , | Florida, USA |

    (I was working at the paint desk when a customer calls the store.)

    Customer: “Can you mix up my paint and have it ready when I get there? I have the formula.”

    Me: “I can take the formula and stage it, but I can’t mix it until you arrive. What is the formula on the can?”

    Customer: “It’s got 20% Magenta, 30% Cyan, 30% Yellow Oxide, and 30% White.”

    Me: “It says that on the can?”

    Customer: “No, that’s what I had them put in last time.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s more than 100%. The formula you gave me is impossible to make.”

    Customer: “I’ll just come down there and have someone who understands make it for me.” *click*

    The Spirit Is Willing But The Mind Is Dumb

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    The Spirit Is Willing But The Mind Is Dumb Video
    Rental Store
    Seattle, WA, USA

    Customer: “I have an account at one of your other branches, but I’ve never rented here before.”

    Me: “OK, I just need to take a look at a valid photo ID and give them a call to get you set up.” (She holds out her ID card. When I go to take it from her hand, she tightens her grip and refuses to let go.)

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I’ll need to take a look at your ID to confirm that you are who you say you are.”

    Customer: “You can see my picture. That’s enough.”

    Me: “I’m afraid it isn’t. I need to enter the number on your ID and confirm that it matches the information the other store has in its system.”

    Customer: “When I rented at your other store they didn’t ask to do that.”

    Me: “If that is in fact the case, they didn’t follow procedure. I’m the manager of this store and if I found out someone on my staff was ignoring this procedure, I’d be quite upset. We need to confirm your identity in order to protect you.”

    Customer: *yelling* “My privacy is very important! I know that you’re only saying these things because your computer won’t let you rent to me without something in that field! I don’t want my personal information compromised! Call my regular store and get my id number from them so i can take my movies and never have to come back here and deal with this sort of treatment!”

    Me: “I understand that your privacy is important to you. If you would just let me see your ID I can put your information in the system and you can be on your way.”

    Customer: “You saw my id! Now call the other store and get my id number from them! My privacy is very important to me!”

    Me: “So in the interest of protecting your privacy, you would like me to call the other store, on a Friday night, at 7:00 PM, and have the clerk read your ID number over the phone, out loud, in the middle of the store.”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “Instead of just letting me enter the information from your ID.”

    Customer: “Yes! Why is this so hard to understand?!”

    Me: “Because that would seem to be a much greater risk to your privacy than–”

    Customer: “Just do your job and respect my privacy! My privacy is very important to me!”

    Pure, Uncut Cyan & Magenta

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    Customer: *looking at the printer ink* “Holy crap, this s*** is expensive!”

    Me: “Well, we do price match any local competitor. All you have to do is–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “You guys are like the modern-day crack dealers!”

    Me: “Modern-day crack dealers?”

    Customer: “Yeah, you sell the printers for real cheap and then you get us on the ink!”

    Me: “Right…well, that’s how we get ya!”

    The Bruce Lee Fantasy Will Have To Wait

    , | California, USA |

    (I’m ringing up a middle-aged mother for a Nintendo Wii System she’s buying for her son.)

    Me: “Would you like to buy a Nunchuk as well?”

    Customer: “H*** YEAH!”

    Me: *taken aback by her enthusiasm* “All right…the Nunchuk is $19.99.”

    Customer: “Only twenty bucks? My kid’s gonna love it.”

    Me: *holding up the controller* “Uh, the Nunchuk is a controller…it’s just this right here.”

    Customer: “Oh…then never mind.”

    A.I.: Alarming Idiocy

    | Burbank, IL, USA |

    (I pick up a phone call transferred from our operator and hear what’s clearly a kid on the phone with parents in the background.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling Burbank ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, my video game system stopped working. I want you to fix it.”

    Me: “Well, what seems to be the problem with the system?”

    Customer: “There’s red lights on it – is that those ‘rings of death’?”

    Me: “The red lights are kind of an error message – when did purchase the system?”

    Customer: “It’s like a year old.”

    Me: “Did you purchase our protection plan?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “OK, you’d have to contact Customer Service for that manufacturer to see if they would still cover the product.”

    Customer: “Oh, I bought it at ****.” *naming our competitor* “Would I call them? Could they fix it? I don’t want to talk to the robots!”

    Me: “Yeah, if you bought it at another retailer you should probably either contact them or the manufacturer–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “I said no robots; I don’t want to talk to the robots!”

    Me: “OK…you can file a claim on the manufacturer’s website, or call the retailer you actually purchased the system from. There’s nothing I can really do for you if you didn’t purchase it through our store.”

    Customer: *whining* “I don’t want to talk to the robots! I’ll have my mom call the robots.” *hangs up*

    Me: “…”

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