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    Better Safe Than Sorry

    | Toronto, Ontario, Canada |

    (I am just finishing up a sale with an older gentleman for show tickets.)

    Me: “Ok, just to let you know, there are no refunds or exchanges for these tickets, and the show does contain shooting, swearing, and smoking.”

    Customer: “I hope not in my row!”

    Me: *confused* “Well, it’s a show…you can see everything from every seat…so–”

    Customer: “I’m talking about the shooting!”

    Me: “Oh! Well, no…they shoot each other on-stage….”

    Customer: “Not the audience?”

    Me: “Not the audience. What kind of theater do you think we’re running here?!”

    Customer: “I don’t know…I just don’t want to get shot.”

    Generosity Which Knows No Bounds

    , | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (We were having a toy drive – if you bought and donated any $5 toy, you could receive 20% off your entire purchase. A woman wearing a fur coat was buying five bags of toys.)

    Me: “Ma’am, would you be interested in donating a toy today? Since your total comes to $400, you’d save $80–”

    Customer: *angrily* “My husband and I donate to CHARITY, so I don’t think I need to be guilt-tripped into your awful little toy drive!”

    Me: “Your total is $400, then.”

    Customer: “Is there any way I can get a discount?”

    Me: “No…no, I’m afraid not.”

    Inventory Reality Check

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    Customer: *to me, serious* “So, are you 50% off too?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Your sign says that everything is 50% off. That includes you, right?”

    Me: “Sir, I can assure you that I am not for sale. The sale is only on Christmas items, and I am not included.”

    Customer: *still serious* “But you work here! That means you’re for sale too!”

    (After a 5-minute battle, he finally gives up and walks out empty-handed.)

    Bad News About Your Doppelganger

    | London, UK |

    Customer: *to his wife* “My God. This girl looks just like that one in the paper today, on the front page. Don’t you think?”

    Customer’s Wife: “I don’t know, maybe a little bit.”

    Customer: “Yes. She’s dead though.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: *to me* “Has anyone ever told you that? I bet you get it all the time. You look just like that girl who died parachuting.”

    Me: “Well sir, she’s only in the papers today because she died yesterday. I don’t think anybody knew who she was before.”

    Customer: “Well, you look so much like her. Careful you don’t run into any of her relatives, now!”

    Eggs, Milk, Bondage Gear…

    | Panama City Beach, FL, USA |

    (I was working for a grocery store in Panama City Beach, which is a big tourist spot. I was bagging this couple’s groceries – which included condoms – when this exchange occurred.)

    Me: “So, you must be from out of town, then?”

    Customer: “Yeah, we’re only here for a few days. Just getting the necessities, y’know?”

    (Just then, a pair of handcuffs comes rolling down the conveyor belt.)

    Me: “Just the necessities, eh?”

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