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    Disease Or Not, You’re Still A Douche

    | Connecticut, USA | Top

    (A customer has just finished placing a rather large and pricey order of several large popcorns loaded with butter, large drinks, and random candies.)

    Me: “That’ll come to $55.75, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh… I have cancer.”

    Me: “Um… I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “So I don’t have to pay, right?”

    Me: “No, you still have to pay.”

    Customer: “Why? I’m a cancer patient!”

    Me: “You’re also trying to walk away with nearly $60 in concession items. I’m sorry, but I can’t give that to you because you have cancer.”

    Customer: “Oh, come on! What if I told you I had heart disease?”

    Me: “I guess I’d have to ask why you’re in such a rush to kill yourself?”

    Be All The Genders You Can Be

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (An older man who looks to be in his 80s approaches the counter.)

    Me: “Good morning, sir.”

    Customer: “I’m not a ‘sir’.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “…ma’am?”

    Customer: “Are you getting sarcastic with me?”

    Me: “No…you’re confusing me.”

    Customer: “Have you been in the military?”

    Me: “…no. But several of my family members have.”

    Customer: “Well, you should. You’d be perfect.” *salutes and leaves*

    Coworker: *walking in* “Who was that guy?”

    Me: “Sergeant Transvestite?”

    Amen, Part 2

    , | Australia |

    Caller: “I’m not happy with the website.”

    Me: “Why?”

    Caller: “It’s not reporting my usage correctly.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry about that. Is it saying you have used more than you think you have?”

    Caller: “No, it’s saying I have not used any.”

    Me: “Oh, that means we were accidentally giving it to you for free. Thanks for telling me!”

    Caller: “Crap! I should learn not to complain!”

    Related:
    Amen

    Taking The Supersizing Thing Too Far

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (A customer is withdrawing several hundred dollars in cash.)

    Me: “So, how would you like the cash today?”

    Customer: “Um, I’ll take it all in the largest bills you have.”

    Me: “So hundreds, then?”

    Customer: “Yeah, a few hundreds, and then some 500 and 1000 dollar bills as well.”

    Me: “Oh, the largest denomination we have is hundreds…”

    Customer: “You see, this is exactly the type of thing that makes me not want to bank with you guys!”

    Guidance Counseling, Customer Style

    | United Kingdom |

    (I’m finishing a long transaction for a supermarket customer.)

    Customer: “You realise that you didn’t say ‘please or ‘thank you’ throughout all of that?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I thought I did.”

    Customer: “Do you go to college or is this your full time job?!’

    Me: “I go to college, but–”

    Customer: “GOOD! DON’T DO THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY CRAP AT IT!”

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