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    Fighting Fake With Fake

    | Boulder, CO, USA |

    (A customer walks into the gas station and picks up a plastic 21 oz. bottle of water.)

    Me: “Will that be all for you today?”

    (The customer then holds it like he wants to hit me with it.)

    Customer: “Give me all your money! This is a stickup!”

    Me: “You’re trying to hold me up with a bottle of water?!”

    Customer: “GIVE IT!”

    (I pretend to press the silent alarm.)

    Customer: “S***! The cops!” *runs off, dropping the bottle of water on his way out*

    Open Sesame (Bun)

    | Omaha, NE, USA |

    (I’m collecting carts from the parking lot. A woman abandons her cart near her car, so I go to pick it up. Note that she’s also munching on some bread.)

    Customer: “Oh! I think I locked my keys in the car.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Please feel free to come inside and use the phone to call a locksmith or someone that can bring you another key.”

    Customer: “Look! The window is open just a little.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t help you get into the vehicle unless you are able to prove that it’s yours. I’d recommend calling a locksmith because that opening seems too small.”

    Customer: *ignores me* “Maybe if I can just get something in?”

    (The woman rips a piece of bread off the loaf she is eating and stuffs it in through the car window.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know how that is going to help.”

    Customer: “I thought…maybe if I could just get something in there?”

    An Offering To The Literary Gods

    | Melbourne, Australia | Top

    (I’m sitting at the reference desk when a lady walks in with a beautiful bouquet in one hand, a bag full of freshly-baked loaves of bread in the other, and a ferocious scowl on her face. She comes to the desk and slams down the flowers.)

    Lady: *growls* “Flowers for librarians!”

    (She slams down the bread, then growls again.)

    Lady: “Bread for librarians!”

    (She then puts both hands on the desk and leans forward.)

    Lady: *snarling* “Now find me a book!”

    Stop The Presses

    | Wroclaw, Poland |

    (I was working on the theater’s ticket-selling system. It printed every ticket using a thermal printer, on paper that gets black in spots where it is heated. A customer comes in with a completely black ticket.)

    Customer: “I want this ticket replaced! What kind of tickets do you sell?! I can’t see anything on it!”

    Me: “I’m sure we didn’t give you this ticket in this poor state. What happened to it?”

    Customer: “It got all bent in my purse and looked ugly, so I ironed it.”

    Me: “But ma’am, this ticket is printed on a thermal paper. It gets black when heated, so–”

    Customer: “You should’ve warned me that I can’t iron the ticket!”

    Once You Go Front-Load, You Never Go Back

    | Ithaca, NY, USA |

    (I sell home appliances at a national store chain. I’m talking to a married couple interested in a washer and dryer.)

    Me: “So this is one of our top-rated washers in terms of reliability, price, and capacity.”

    Wife: “Does it come in other colors?”

    Me: “Yes. You’ll notice on the sign here, there’s a listing of the colors available and the price difference, if any. So, for instance, this machine also comes in another color.”

    Husband: “I bet that machine has a much bigger capacity.”

    Wife: “Ugh, why is it always about sex with you?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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