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    Superman Goes Shopping

    | Elmira, NY, USA |

    (In my store, it’s store policy to check credit cards for signatures; if they’re not signed, we must see ID.)

    Me: “May I see your card, please?”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “Your card is not signed sir, and I have to check IDs if there’s no signature.”

    Customer: “I know it’s not signed, and it’s not going to be signed.”

    Me: “That’s fine, sir – I just have to check your ID then.”

    Customer: “Here.” *shows ID*

    Me: “Okay, thank you – sign the machine please.”

    Customer: “How do you know that’s me in the ID? He has glasses on and I don’t.”

    Me: “Sir, it looks like you.”

    Customer: “But I don’t have glasses on.”

    Me: “Okay then – I’m sorry, but this isn’t valid proof of ID. I can’t take it, which means you can’t use this card.”

    Customer: “Oh, well – it’s me, I was just trying to help you out.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but you have convinced me otherwise. I cannot take it.”

    Customer: “What? It’s me!”

    Me: “I know…it’s you. I was just trying to help you out.”

    Well, Aren’t You Special

    | Taylorsville, NC, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Pizza, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “My order was just delivered, and it was wrong.”

    Me: “Okay sir, I’m very sorry about that. What was the problem?”

    Customer: “I ordered a 20 ounce drink with my order.”

    Me: “And you didn’t get it?”

    Customer: “No, I got a 2 liter drink.”

    Me: “Sir… 2 liters is more than 20 ounces. I think most people would be happy to get more than what they paid for.”

    Customer: “WELL, I’M NOT MOST PEOPLE!”

    An Inconvenient List of Truths

    | Brunswick, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hello?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I need you guys to fill a prescription for me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are a hospital pharmacy. We only prepare medications for patients of the hospital.”

    Caller: “Well, that’s simply discrimination. You ought to fill for everyone.”

    Me: “You see, sir, we’re very different from a retail store. We issue individual, bubble-packed pills in one-day supplies to the nurses to give to their patients. We don’t have bottles, and we don’t do 30-day supplies like a store does. We don’t have a cash register, or any kind of means to ring up customers. We’re also located in an employees-only area of the hospital, near the morgue. You can’t really get to us that easily.”

    Caller: “Well, those are all excuses.” *hangs up*

    Welcome To Glorious Nation Of North Americastan

    | British Columbia, Canada |

    Customer:“Do you sell any other calling cards here?”

    Salesperson: “No, just the ones on that rack. Sorry.”

    Customer: “I need to call the States and I don’t want to get charged for long distance! I need a card that can call from Canada to the US!”

    Salesperson: “Those calling cards can call to the US.”

    Customer: “But it says they only work in North America!”

    On The Bright Side, She Never Gets Brain Freezes

    | Sterling, VA |

    (The lunch rush has just come and gone, and now the early release seniors from the local high school are trickling in.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to ***.”

    Blonde customer: “Mmm… I think I’ll try the Mahalo Mango today.”

    Redhead customer: “Oooh. I heard mangoes are kinda bitter.”

    Blonde customer: “Ew… like, can I get that without mango then?”

    Me: “Would you rather the Power Pineapple? It’s the same smoothie, just pineapple instead of mango.”

    Blonde customer: “No, I want to try something new… so, yeah. Mahalo Mango without the mango.”

    Me: “Okay… what would you like instead of the mango?”

    Blonde customer: “Um… can I get pineapple?”

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