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    Thanks For (Almost) Nothing

    | Idaho Falls, ID, USA |

    (I’ve just activated a cable channel for a woman and was ending the call.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yeah, how much was it again?”

    Me: “It’s $4.01 a month, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Why $4.01? Why not just four dollars?”

    Me: ¬†”Well, ma’am, I only activate the channels, I don’t set the prices.”

    Customer: “Well that’s stupid. I don’t know if I want it anymore. It should only be four dollars.”

    Me: “Well, I can certainly put in a complaint for you.”

    Customer: “Yeah, you do that. ¬†And you take it off and I don’t want to pay that fee for taking it off. ¬†It should only be four dollars!”

    Me: “Look, ma’am, I’ll find twelve cents and mail it to you. That covers that one cent for a whole year. Can I have your address?”

    Customer: “Have a nice day!”

    (And then she hung up on me.)

    Fighting Ignorance With Ignorance

    , | St. Louis, MO, USA | Top

    (A customer walks up to the counter where we have LGBT books up for Pride month.)

    Customer: “What the h***! Why are you guys showing off all these hommasesual books?”

    Me: “Homma what?”

    Customer: “Hommasesual books… you know, dudes with other dudes and stuff. You should be ashamed.”

    Me: “I still don’t understand. I have no idea what a hommasesual is or ‘dudes with other dudes.’ I’m not sure what that means.”

    Customer: “Oh, you all are a bunch of f**s here!”

    Coworker: “What, you’re looking for bags?”

    Customer: *gets fed up and leaves*

    Literary Emergency

    | New Jersey, USA | Top

    (During a busy day right before Christmas, a woman comes up to my register, cutting the entire line, and slaps a gift card down on the counter.)

    Customer: “I need fifty dollars on this gift card.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a line and I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Excuse me?” ‘

    Customer: “I’ve been waiting here before any of these people got here! I NEED THIS GIFT CARD NOW!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I just can’t do that. You’ll have to wait like everyone else.”

    Customer: “Now you’re just pretending you didn’t see me just so you can be a little b**** and tell me no! I want to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “Ma’am, there’s no need to yell. I was busy with customers and didn’t see you standing there. I apologize for that, but I really must ask you to wait in line.”

    Customer: “NO! You little b****! You don’t understand! I am a nurse! This is for a patient!”

    Me: “My answer won’t change.”

    Customer: “This is for a patient! It’s Christmas! Don’t you have a f****** heart?! Where is your Christmas spirit?!”

    Me: “I’m Jewish.”

    Customer: “Put fifty dollars on this gift card before I get you fired! This is for a patient and he is dying! I need it now!”

    Me: “…if he’s dying, what the h*** is he going to do with a gift card?”

    (She stalked off angrily when she saw not only my manager, but the police coming towards her. By the way, I got a raise after that.)

    We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Can

    , | Florida, USA |

    (I was working at the paint desk when a customer calls the store.)

    Customer: “Can you mix up my paint and have it ready when I get there? I have the formula.”

    Me: “I can take the formula and stage it, but I can’t mix it until you arrive. What is the formula on the can?”

    Customer: “It’s got 20% Magenta, 30% Cyan, 30% Yellow Oxide, and 30% White.”

    Me: “It says that on the can?”

    Customer: “No, that’s what I had them put in last time.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s more than 100%. The formula you gave me is impossible to make.”

    Customer: “I’ll just come down there and have someone who understands make it for me.” *click*

    The Spirit Is Willing But The Mind Is Dumb

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    The Spirit Is Willing But The Mind Is Dumb Video
    Rental Store
    Seattle, WA, USA

    Customer: “I have an account at one of your other branches, but I’ve never rented here before.”

    Me: “OK, I just need to take a look at a valid photo ID and give them a call to get you set up.” (She holds out her ID card. When I go to take it from her hand, she tightens her grip and refuses to let go.)

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I’ll need to take a look at your ID to confirm that you are who you say you are.”

    Customer: “You can see my picture. That’s enough.”

    Me: “I’m afraid it isn’t. I need to enter the number on your ID and confirm that it matches the information the other store has in its system.”

    Customer: “When I rented at your other store they didn’t ask to do that.”

    Me: “If that is in fact the case, they didn’t follow procedure. I’m the manager of this store and if I found out someone on my staff was ignoring this procedure, I’d be quite upset. We need to confirm your identity in order to protect you.”

    Customer: *yelling* “My privacy is very important! I know that you’re only saying these things because your computer won’t let you rent to me without something in that field! I don’t want my personal information compromised! Call my regular store and get my id number from them so i can take my movies and never have to come back here and deal with this sort of treatment!”

    Me: “I understand that your privacy is important to you. If you would just let me see your ID I can put your information in the system and you can be on your way.”

    Customer: “You saw my id! Now call the other store and get my id number from them! My privacy is very important to me!”

    Me: “So in the interest of protecting your privacy, you would like me to call the other store, on a Friday night, at 7:00 PM, and have the clerk read your ID number over the phone, out loud, in the middle of the store.”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “Instead of just letting me enter the information from your ID.”

    Customer: “Yes! Why is this so hard to understand?!”

    Me: “Because that would seem to be a much greater risk to your privacy than–”

    Customer: “Just do your job and respect my privacy! My privacy is very important to me!”

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