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    Doctoring Under The Influence

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    (It’s St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish pub, and I’m serving a table with ten drunken customers.)

    Drunken table: “Hey! We need some more drinks over here! We’ve been waiting quite a while!”

    Me: “Sure, what can I get for you!”

    (They proceed to order 10 different, complex cocktail orders.)

    Me: “Great, I’ll get these into the bar as soon as possible.”

    (Five minutes later…)

    Lady at drunken table: “Hey! We’ve been waiting for our drinks! Where the h*** are they?!”

    Me: “Well, we’re pretty busy and the bar is backed up a bit. Sorry for the delay.”

    Lady at drunken table: “Well, we sure aren’t impressed with the service here. My husband is a doctor, and he’s on call tonight, so we really need our drinks served promptly!”

    Doctor at drunken table: “Yesshh, I need my drinksh right nooow!”

    Cottonballs Are In The Left Drawer

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** refill center. May I verify the last four digits of your mobile phone number?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    (I hear four loud beeps as the customer pressing the buttons on his phone.)

    Me: “Sir, can you please TELL me the last four digits of your mobile phone number?”

    Customer: Oh, sure…”

    (Four loud beeps again.)

    Me: “Sir, I need you to say to me the last four digits of your mobile number.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay…” *reads numbers*

    Me: “Thank you. And may I verify your zip code, please?”

    Customer: “Sure.”

    (Another five beeps come from the phone.)

    Me: *whimpers*

    Best Pet Advice, Ever

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

    Me: “Sure, what do you need?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a puppy. I need one that doesn’t grow.”

    Me: “Uh… all puppies grow.”

    Customer: “But, I need one that doesn’t.”

    Me: “Maybe a toy chihuahua? They only get to be about 7 lbs.”

    Customer: “How big are they now?”

    Me: “They’re about 4 lbs right now.”

    Customer: “BUT THAT MEANS THEY GROW!”

    Me: “Ma’am, all puppies grow.”

    Customer: “BUT I WANT ONE THAT DOESN’T.”

    Me: “Then maybe you should try Build-A-Bear.”

    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World

    | Myrtle Beach, SC, USA |

    Customer: “How much is Bud Light?”

    Bartender: “$3.75″

    Customer: “Well, how much is Miller Light?”

    Bartender: “$3.75.”

    Customer: “D***! What’s the cheapest thing you got in here?!”

    Bartender: “YOU!”

    Speak For Yourselves, Part 2

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Elderly Lady #1: “Now, what are the prices like for this show?”

    Coworker: “Well, they’re-”

    Elderly Lady #2: “Don’t tell us it’s expensive! I don’t want to spend too much money!”

    Coworker: *holds out price sheet* “Here are the–”

    Elderly Lady #1: “Oh, would you look at that. Look at those prices. Now where are these seats?”

    Coworker: “Those are right-”

    Elderly Lady #2: “No, we don’t want to sit there. It’s too far in the back.”

    Coworker: “Actually, ma’am, they’re–”

    Elderly Lady #1: “Those seats are okay… they’re in the middle.”

    Elderly Lady #2: “Do they have anything closer on an aisle?”

    Coworker: “Unfortunately– ”

    Elderly Lady #1: “What do you need to be closer for? Those seats are fine. George and Harry will like them.”

    Elderly Lady #2: “Yes, but I’d rather be able to sit as far from Martha as possible.”

    Elderly Lady #1: “Ah, yes… we don’t like Martha. She talks so much you can never get a word in!”

    Related:
    Speak For Yourself


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