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    Our Great Dumbocracy

    | Buffalo, NY, USA |

    (A woman in medical scrubs with a name badge enters the store and approaches the counter.)

    Customer: “Helllooo! How are YOU tonight?”

    Me: “I’m doing well. How are you?”

    Customer: “Oh, just fine. Are you voting in this year’s election?”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    Customer: “Have you considered John McCain?”

    Me: “Well, no, not really.”

    Customer: “No? Who are you voting for, OBAMA?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “OBAMA! HA HA HA!”

    (She continues to laugh maniacally, inserting “OBAMA” between laughs. After a little while, she comes to the register with a few rentals.)

    Customer: “Hellooo! How are you tonight?”

    Me: “Still doing well… did you find what you were looking for?”

    Customer: “Have you thought at all about this year’s election?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “We just had this conversation.”

    Customer: “Oh. Who are you voting for? I’m voting for Obama. I just want our troops to come home.”

    Me: “You just laughed at me for not wanting to vote for McCain!”

    Customer: *confused look* “Really? I’m so tired when I get out of work!”

    Heaven Sent Deliveries, Moses Speaking

    | Ohio, USA |

    Caller: ¬†”My furniture is scheduled for delivery today and I have a big problem: it’s going to snow!”

    Me: “Okay, we can reschedule you for–”

    Caller: “No, I need it delivered today!”

    Me: “What would you like me to do?”

    Caller: “I want you to make it not snow!”

    Me: “… Excuse me?”

    Caller: “I want you to make it not snow during my delivery!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t control the weather.”

    Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

    Normal Time Vs. Customer Time

    | Portsmouth, UK | Food & Drink, Top

    Me: “Hello sir, can I help?”

    Customer: “I want the 20 piece bargain bucket.”

    Me: “Well, there will be a five minute wait. We have only just opened and don’t have that quantity cooked yet.”

    Customer: “Fine.”

    (He pays and takes a seat. About three minutes later, he approaches the counter again.)

    Customer: “Where the f*** is my food?! I have been waiting half an hour!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. We have only been open five minutes there is no way you have been waiting thirty minutes.”

    In The Name Of All That Is Cheesy

    , | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Pizza, would you like the special?”

    Caller: “No thanks, I’d just like a large Quattro Cheese pizza.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem.”

    Caller: “And… no feta on one side.”

    Me: “Okay, no feta on one side.”

    Caller: “I mean it! NO feta on the one side! GOD HELP YOU IF THERE IS FETA!”

    Me: “Okay, no feta on one side!”

    Deranged Decades

    , | Ottawa, ON, Canada |

    (I used to work summers for my dad, who is a psychiatrist.)

    Me: “Good morning, Dr. ***’s Office, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I need to make an appointment with Dr. ***. Can I speak with him?”

    Me: “Sorry, he’s with a patient right now but if you give me your information, I’ll set up an appointment for you. Are you currently a patient of Dr. ***?”

    Caller: “Yes, I was a guinea pig of his when he did lithium experiments on me back in the 1940′s.”

    Me: “Um… I think you got your dates wrong. Dr. *** wasn’t born at that time.”

    Caller: “Oh, then in the 1950′s. It was in the 1950′s and he and the government were running secret experiments on me at that time.”

    Me: “I doubt that, he would have just been a young child at that time.”

    Caller: “Then it was the 1960′s, d*** it! It was at the [hospital] in Alberta in the 1960′s.”

    Me: “Dr. *** has never practiced in Alberta. He wasn’t even living in Canada at that time.”

    Caller: “Are you calling me a LIAR?”

    Me: “Well, considering that Dr. *** is my dad, I think I’ll take my word over yours.”

    Caller: “Well, then we can’t do business. No, we can’t do any business. Goodbye!” *hangs up*

    Me: “Wow…”

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