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    Noah’s Nondescript Ark

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Pets & Animals

    Customer: “So, uh, on this tour, will I, uh, feed the…uh…tall things, and uh, the not as tall…things?”

    Me: “You mean the giraffes…and rhinos?”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s it! It’s like you’re reading my mind!”

    (Not One Of) History’s Mysteries

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Books & Reading, Family & Kids, History, Top

    (I am helping a little boy find a children’s book on Native American history for a book report.)

    Me: “I think this one will come in handy. It’s all about the different Native American tribes and traditions. It even includes a large map showing where the Native American tribes lived.”

    Little Boy: “Thank you!”

    (He walks away with his book and an adult customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Why did you do that?”

    Me: “Do what?”

    Customer: “Tell him those are real.”

    Me: “Native Americans?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “Because they are real.”

    Customer: “No! They only exist in movies with cowboys!”

    Me: “I can assure you that Native Americans exist.”

    Customer: *mocking* “I suppose you believe cowboys really existed, too?”

    Flipping Through The Atlas

    | San Jose, CA, USA | Language & Words, Top

    (I am Filipino, but people often mistake me for Chinese due to my pale skin. Another Filipino co-worker comes in while I am working with a customer. We exchange greetings in Tagalog, a Filipino language with some Spanish influences.)

    Customer: “Say that again. That thing you said to that other guy.”

    Me: “Kumusta?”

    Customer: “‘Cómo está’. That’s Spanish! What does a Chinese dude need to know Spanish for?”

    Me: “Actually, I–”

    Customer: “Say something else in Spanish!”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t speak Spanish very well.”

    Customer: “Come on! Say something!”

    Me: “Vamanos?”

    Customer: “Wow! Hey, do you speak Chinese?”

    Me: “Sorry, no.”

    Customer: “Come on now! You must know some Chinese!”

    Me: “Uh… I don’t know… ‘Ni hao’?”

    Customer: “Now say something in Japanese!”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “Japanese!”

    Me: “Arigato?”

    Customer: “Now do Russian!”

    Me: “Vodka?”

    It Will Be All Right Angled On The Night

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Home Improvement

    (I had dealt with this customer three hours before this phone call to make an 16×20 frame. I’ve given them a copy of the bill so they can see all the information.)

    Customer: “I think the girl who did my order made a mistake! I think she wrote the sizes in backwards.”

    Me: “Backwards? Did she write 61×02?”

    Customer: “No. Were it says ‘width’ she wrote 20, but the width is 16!

    Me: “Did she write 16 as the height ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes! But that means the frame will be longer than wide.”

    Me: “The frame looks the same on all sides ma’am. 20×16 and 16×20 are the same size. All they’ll have to do is turn it 90 degrees.”

    Customer: “They’re smart enough to do that?”

    No Sting In This Tale

    | Silver Spring, MD, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (Note: we sell fake jelly fish as tank decorations.)

    Me: “May I help you?”

    Customer: “I want some jelly fish, but I need you to answer some questions first.”

    Me: “Of course. Go for it.”

    Customer: “How do I keep them alive in this plastic packaging?”

    Me: “They aren’t alive.”

    Customer: “So why are you trying to sell them?!”

    Me: “They’re decorations. They’re made of plastic.”

    Customer: “How am I supposed to know this?”

    Me: “They are plastic, have a string attached to them, have a sign that says ‘plastic jelly fish’, and they say ‘made in china’ on them.”

    Customer: *pause* “I’ll just take one of those castle decorations…”

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