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    This…Is…Spyware!

    , | Texas, USA | Technology, Top

    Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

    Me: “…Ma’am? Spartans?”

    Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans.”

    Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

    Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

    Me: “You’re right ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

    Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

    Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

    Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

    Me: “Ok, ma’am, I think that would be best.”

    Floats and Brimstone

    , | Minnesota, MN, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Yes sir?”

    Customer: “I need a new root beer float; the ice cream in this one is melting.”

    Me: “Well, I can get you a new one, but it’s a hot day so the same thing will eventually happen.”

    Customer: “I asked for a root beer float! Not root beer soup!”

    Me: “I can’t control the weather sir, but I’ll see what I can do.”

    (I get him a new float, but by the time I get it out to him, it’s starting to melt.)

    Customer: “This one’s melting too!”

    Me: “It’s still hot out–but it will taste the same, I promise.”

    Customer: “Promise me something else too.”

    Me: “Okay?”

    Customer: “Go to hell!”

    Me: “It appears we’re both already there, sir. That’s why your ice cream is melting.”

    I’ll Take Some Chocolate And My Baby’s Daddy, Please…

    , | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    (I happened to be on call-quality monitoring when one of my coworkers got this call.)

    Coworker: “Thank you for calling **** Gifts, my name is ****. How can I help you?”

    Caller: *with a thick accent* “Do you have anyone there that speaks Spanish?”

    Coworker: “No, I’m afraid we do not. Is there anything I can do for you, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Where is my check?”

    Coworker: “…your check?”

    Caller: “Yes, where is my check?”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I don’t think I follow–”

    Caller: “Where is my child support check?”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, we sell candies and cookies. We don’t have your check.”

    Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

    Coworker: “…Because we’re a gift-ordering service. We don’t handle child support checks.”

    Caller: “Well, can you give me the number to the child support check people?”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I don’t know what that number is. We aren’t connected with them in any way.”

    Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

    Coworker: “…”

    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 4

    , | Louisville, KY, USA |

    (I was helping a customer sign into their email.)

    Me: “Okay, I need you to type ‘A’ as in ‘Apple’.”

    Customer: “Now, don’t get all technical on me!”

    Related:
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 3
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 2
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

    Guerilla Marketing At Its Finest

    | Waterloo, Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “Come here! I’m going to bite your nipples off!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Aww…I’m sorry. Listen, come by my office and I’ll give you a free massage.” *gives me his business card*

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