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    Either She’s A Revisionist Scholar, Or She Needs A Dictionary

    , | Iowa, USA | History

    Me: “Ma’am, may I help you find a particular title?”

    Customer: “I don’t know exactly what I want. I just want a good book to read.”

    Me: “Is there a topic that you are especially interested in?”

    Customer: “I like historical stuff.”

    Me: “Great! What kind of history specifically?”

    Customer: *stares blankly*

    Me: “For instance, a particular time period, or the history of a certain country?”

    Customer: “American history, obviously.”

    Me: “We have some really great American history books, right over here.”

    (I lead her to the proper section and pull a few titles to show her.)

    Customer: “These are all about stuff that really happened. I want a story.”

    Me: “Okay, so, historical fiction then? I’m sure we can find something for you.”

    Customer: “No! I want something like this…”

    (She gestures to a book she rejected, a non fiction title about American history.)

    Customer: “… only I want it to be made up.”

    Me: “Right, historical fiction. Let’s start with a time frame within American history and I’m sure we can find something.”

    Customer: *sighs melodramatically* “I don’t want FICTION, I want a book with a story that is MADE UP!”

    Those Foreigners And Their Funny Continents

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (I’m visiting a friend of mine at work when this exchange occurs.)

    Customer: *notes my friend’s nametag* “Matt-ie-oh… what a neat name, where’s it from?”

    Friend: “It’s pronounced mah-tay-oh, actually. It’s Spanish.”

    Customer: “Oh, really? You don’t look Mexican.”

    Friend: “I’m not, I’m Spanish.”

    Customer: “Well, what’s the difference?”

    Friend: “The Atlantic Ocean?”

    Comprehension Hazy, Try Again

    | Norfolk, UK |

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes. Where it says ‘frame includes single-vision lenses’, does that mean I can’t have trifocals?”

    Me: “No, it just means that the cost of the frame includes the price of single-vision lenses. If you wanted trifocals we would charge you the upgrade price to have them. They start at ¬£49 on top of the frame.”

    Customer: “What’s the difference?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “The difference between single-vision or trifocals?”

    Me: Oh, well, trifocals give you three different magnifications, into distance, intermediate and reading. Single-vision will only give you one of those.”

    Customer: “Why can’t I have a single-vision lens that does all of those?”

    Me: *checking her prescription* “…because your eyes need different levels of magnification to see each one clearly.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “When you are over forty, your eyes start to become lazy and have trouble focusing on close-up things, as well as things that are far away.”

    Customer: “I’m not lazy just because I’m over forty! Let me speak to your manager! I have never been so insulted!”

    If At First You Don’t Survive…

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Do you guys offer swimming lessons there?”

    Me: “Yes we do; our next session starts in 2 weeks.”

    Caller: “Do they teach you how to swim in those classes?”

    Me: “Um, yes… they’re swimming lessons.”

    Caller: “Okay, because I drowned last time I tried to take them.”

    Me: “…I’m sorry.”

    They Start So Young

    | San Jose, CA, USA |

    (A girl of about 8 years old is staring longingly at the display of stickers we have by the cash register.)

    Girl: “I’d love to have some of these stickers, but I don’t have any money.” *sighs loudly*

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Girl: “…so are you going to give me some for free, or what?”

    Me: “…”

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