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    Death By Citrus

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (A bar patron pulls out an orange from his pocket and proceeds to pull out a knife that he starts cutting it open to eat it. Bear in nmind, I’m a bouncer, so this doesn’t exactly fly.)

    Me: “Can I see that real fast?”

    Bar patron: “What? Yeah!” *hands me the orange*

    Me: “No, the other thing.”

    Bar patron: “Yeah, I said you can have some of my orange, man.”

    Me: “Here, I’ll trade you. You give me the knife, and I keep your orange.”

    Bar patron: “Deal!”

    It’s All In The Wrist

    , | Oregon, USA | Top

    Me: “Okay, will that be everything for you? For here or to go?”

    Customer: “Here.”

    Me: “That will be $8.42.”

    (The customer pulls out a $1 bill and slaps it on the table.)

    Customer: “Wham!”

    Me: *blank stare*

    (The customer’s girlfriend starts cracking up.)

    Customer: “Oh. whoops! Lets try that one again…” *pulls out a $10 bill* “Wham!”

    Caution: Contents Are Highly Enjoyable

    | Lone Tree, CO, USA |

    (A woman called us on the phone after getting home with a video game she’d just purchased.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I just bought a video game, and there’s plastic on it.”

    Me: “OK…”

    Customer: “What do I do? Do I take the plastic off?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am. You have to in order to get the game.”

    Customer: “But nothing will happen, right?”

    Me: “No. Nothing is going to happen.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m sure.”

    Customer: “All right. I’ll call back if something happens.”

    (I never heard back. I hope nothing horrible happened.)

    Bad Parenting: Seeing Is Believing

    | San Jose, CA, USA |

    (I was working the box office when a woman with two young children came up to the window.)

    Customer: “One adult and two children for ‘Scary Movie’.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I should warn you – this movie really isn’t appropriate for little children. May I suggest another film?”

    Customer: “What? Come on, it’s a comedy! It’ll be fine!”

    Me: “It’s rated ‘R’. It’s pretty much nothing but sex, nudity and violence. It’s really not for kids.”

    Customer: “I’ll decide what is and isn’t appropriate for my kids to watch! Now sell me the tickets!”

    (I sell her the tickets. Five minutes into the movie, the woman comes storming back out with her kids in tow.)

    Customer: “You didn’t tell me it was THAT bad!”

    Always Right, Even When Trafficking People

    , | Emeryville, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is **** speaking, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, hi. I was just wondering how much your Mexicans are?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Your Mexicans. The ones you have outside in the parking lot. I need some work done on my roof and I wanted to come pick up a couple.”

    Me: “Ma’am…first of all, they are called day laborers. Secondly, they don’t belong to us. They don’t belong to anyone actually, they are people. Third, our city prohibits soliciting work in a shopping center, so we actually don’t have any workers in the parking lot. If you need work done–”

    Customer: “Never mind, I’ll just shop somewhere else!” *hangs up*

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