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    Rescue 911, Transylvania Edition

    , | West Palm Beach, FL, USA |

    (Note: South County is a psychiatric institution.)

    911: “911, what is your emergency?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I’m sorry to bother you but I am checking into South County tomorrow. I’m afraid to go cause there is a guy who works there who wears a star and says he’s a vampire.”

    911: “People are allowed to be vampires if they want to be, ma’am.”

    Caller: “Oh yeah? What if he tried to bite me?”

    911: “Did he try to bite you?”

    Caller: “No.”

    911: “Give us a call back if he tries to bite you.”

    Healthy Without The Hassle

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “Would you like any soup or salad?”

    Customer: “Yes, a garden salad please.”

    Me: “All right, would you like any dressing?”

    Customer: “Ranch. Oh, and can you make sure that the garden salad doesn’t have any vegetables?”

    Me: “No vegetables?”

    Customer: “Yes. No vegetables at all. No tomatoes, no lettuce, no carrots, no vegetables!”

    Me: “But ma’am, if you order a no-vegetable garden salad, then all you’ll have is the dressing.”

    Customer: “…garden salads are vegetable salads?”

    Howard Hughes Goes Shopping

    | Plainville, MA, USA |

    (I had just finished a customer’s transaction, and was gathering up the change.)

    Me: “All right, your change is ****.”

    Customer: “Wait…I don’t like people touching my money…is there any way I can just take it out of the drawer myself?”

    Me: “…um, no.”

    Customer: “But what am I supposed to do? I don’t want you to contaminate it with germs!”

    Me: “…get a debit card?”

    (He leaves with his contaminated money, quite annoyed.)

    Extreme Primate Refereeing

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Top

    (I work at a snack cart across from the gorilla enclosure. A woman walks up to me and this conversation ensued.)

    Customer: “Look! Look! The gorillas are fighting!”

    Me: “No, they just rough-house like that about this time every day.”

    Customer: “No, that’s fighting, someone’s going to get hurt.”

    Me: “Ma’am, seriously, that’s how they play.”

    Customer: “That’s a fight! Stop them! Right now! It’s a bad example for the children.”

    Me: “Stop them…how?”

    Customer: “Get in there and make them cut it out right now!”

    Me: *staring at her while other customers in line laugh*

    Customer: *stomping off* “I’m telling your boss you won’t stop that violence!”

    Next customer in line: “So you’re in charge of gorillas AND churros, huh?”

    When Political Causes Collide

    , | Victoria, BC, Canada | Top

    Customer: “Excuse me, where is this table made? It’s not made in China, is it?”

    Me: “Yes, I do believe it’s made in China.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you would sell things from China.”

    Me: “Well, we have a factory there that makes custom furnishings directly for us. I assure you they’re of the highest quality.”

    Customer: “Well, I can’t shop here! This is an outrage!

    Me: “I don’t see the problem…”

    Customer: “The problem is that they do animal testing in China!”

    Me: “Um, this is a table.”

    Customer: “They still do animal testing!”

    Me: “Well, I assure you no animals were harmed during the building of this table.”

    Customer: *storms out*

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