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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • The People Of England Wholeheartedly Agree

    , | Erie, PA, USA |

    Customer: “How do you change the language setting on The Sims?”

    Me: “Well, I’d imagine there’s something in the game’s options. What did you need to set it to?”

    Customer: “English.”

    Me: “Funny, I’d think that would be the default.”

    Customer: “But I can’t understand them!”

    Me: “Wait, you mean the Sims themselves?”

    Customer: “Yes! They’re speaking French!”

    Me: “No, they’re speaking Simlish. It’s a gibberish language.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, it sounds like French!”

    Every Time A Bell Rings, A Crazy Customer Appears

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (Our sandwich shop has a bell that hangs above the door to notify us when customers enter and exit. One day, a woman came into our shop, making the bell ring.)

    Customer: “Oh! What a nice bell!”

    Me: “Oh, thank you, ma’am! Welcome to ****.”

    (Instead of approaching me to make her order, the woman proceeds to open and close the door repeatedly, causing the bell to ring each time.)

    Me: “…um…”

    Customer: “This is so wonderful! Such a wonderful sound. I could do this all day!”

    Me: “Er, ma’am, would you like to order anything?”

    (By now, all of the other customers are staring at her. She suddenly stops.)

    Customer: “What? Oh, no, thank you! I was just leaving.” *exits*

    Me: “…really?”

    Manager: *from the back room* “Make sure we aren’t running out of stuff for all the people that just came in!”

    Tell Jesus It’s Time To Rise And Shine…Again

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    (After each holiday, our store marks down all the related holiday inventory. This particular incident occurred about a week after Easter.)

    Customer: “I was looking for some paper plates to match these napkins with the cute little bunnies and eggs on them.”

    Me: “There weren’t any plates that matched those back there?”

    Customer: “No! It’s ridiculous! I mean, how can you be out of Easter stuff?”

    Me: “Well, Easter was last week. Most of the stuff is gone.”

    Customer: “Do you know when the next shipment of these Easter plates will be?”

    Me: “…next Easter?”

    Customer: “You’re not going to get any new Easter shipments till NEXT Easter?! Why the h*** not?”

    Me: “Because…Easter is over? I don’t think we’re expecting anyone to celebrate Easter until it comes around again.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just ridiculous! I should be able to celebrate Easter when I want! I’m only buying these so I’m stocked up for next year at a quarter of the price!”

    Me: “…”

    These Hallowed Halls Of Fancy Book Learnin’

    | Evansville, IN, USA |

    (This took place in our college library.)

    Me: “Could I help you find something?”

    Patron: “Yeah, I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “We have lots of books here. Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”

    Patron: “Yeah – ‘Tuesdays With Morrie’. Do you have it?”

    Me: “Well, if you sit at one of the computers, I can show you how to use our system and we can look it up.”

    Patron: “Never mind, I’ll just look around.”

    (A few minutes pass, then he walks up to me again.)

    Patron: “I couldn’t find it. Do you have ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’?

    Me: “I can show you how to look at our system and see if we have it.”

    Patron: *angry* “I didn’t come to college to learn anything!”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t think I can help you.”

    The Chump With The Hump Under Her Rump

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    (I’m bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.)

    Bus driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.”

    Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.”

    Bus driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.”

    Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the ass cheek divider?”

    Bus driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!”

    Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!”

    Bus driver: “Well, ma’am, your …pleasure… will have to wait.”

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