July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Their Policy’s Days Are Numbered

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. How may I assist you?”

Caller: “I have a question about my policy.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Do you have your policy number?”

(There’s a long pause. I can hear the ruffle of papers.)

Caller: *shouting* “God d*** it!”

Me: “I’ll take that as a ‘no’.

Intelligence Abhors A Vacuum

| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “It’s too cold in my room. Can you turn the air off?”

Me: “Turn it off?”

Caller: “It’s just freezing.”

Me: “The outside temperature is 15 degrees. If we turn the air off, it will bring your office temperature closer to 15 degrees.”

Caller: “Don’t do that. Just turn it off. I’d rather it be nothing than this cold!”

This Student Will Need To Be Discharged

| London, UK | Uncategorized

(Ever since a particular oscar-winning film has been released, our services have been quite popular.)

Me: “Hello, [elocution lessons]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. I need some electrocution lessons for my husband.”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am. We can arrange some elocution lessons.”

Caller: “How much do you charge for electrocution?”

Me: “Prices are [price], ma’am. Forgive me for saying so, but it is pronounced elocution, not electrocution. They mean significantly different things.”

Caller: “I was calling for you to electrocute my husband! Not me!”

Me: “I apologise, I was not–”

Caller: “Stop correcting me and just electrocute my husband!”

You Say Communist, I Say Consumerist

| Ellensburg, WA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Do you have any clothes that aren’t made in China?”

Me: “Well, we can–”

Customer: *whispers conspiratorially* “Don’t you know that they’re all communists there?”

(She grabs a shirt off of the rack, and looks at the tag.)

Customer: “Ah. Made in Vietnam. Much better.”

(She walks off triumphantly.)

First Impressions Lead To Confessions

| Allston, MA, USA | Top

(I’m in the store office. From the camera screens, I can see a young man shoplifting. I hit the record, gathering evidence as he goes around the store. He is putting things into his pocket, jacket, etc. He next comes up to the back of the store, and knocks on the door to my office. I put the chain on the door before opening it.)

Customer: “Hi. I’m [name]. I’m here for the job interview.”

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