November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Don’t Ask Her What Size She’d Like

| California, USA | At The Checkout, Top

(I am ringing up a customer. She has bought one large jug of ice-cream, a bag of chips, and dip.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

Customer: “Just fine…. just fine.”

(I notice she’s looking me over up and down, but I try to ignore it.)

Customer: “How are you so skinny?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “How are you skinnier than me? It’s so unhealthy!”

Me: “Uh, well I’m normally like this. I exercise, and I try to stay fit.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying I’m not!? I can’t believe this. Just because I’m buying ice-cream and chips, doesn’t mean I’m unhealthy!”

Me: “I know it doesn’t ma’am. I eat ice-cream too.”

Customer: “Wait, you do?”

Me: “All the time, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh… no wonder why you’re more bigger than me. You should take care of yourself more.”


| Norfolk, VA, USA | Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

(We will be opening a new Asia section in the spring. The area is visible, but guests can’t walk through it yet.)

Guest: “Excuse me, what is that over there?”

Me: “That’s going to be our new Asia exhibit.”

Guest: “Is it going to have panda bears?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry ma’am, its not.”

Guest: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, all of the pandas that you see in zoos are actually owned by China, and the zoos have to pay $1 million per year to rent each panda. They even have to pay for any babies born, and have to sign a contract that all of the pandas belong to China. It’s just too expensive.”

Guest: “But I thought the 14th Amendment guaranteed citizenship to any baby born here! Those should be our pandas!”

Not So Smart-Phone

| Merrimack, NH, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Uncategorized

Customer: “I’m looking for a cable to hook my [brand] cell phone up to the computer. The plug looks like this.” *the customer shows me the broken end of a cable*

Me: “This doesn’t look like the plug for any [brand] phone I’ve ever seen. May I see the phone?”

(The customer hands me his phone, which is a bulky, inelegant phone/camera/portable TV and very obviously not a [brand].)

Me: “Sir, who told you this phone was a [brand]?”

Customer: “Some guy in Boston I bought it from. See, right there is the logo.”

(The customer points to a logo on the phone that looks exactly like the logo for one of [brand]’s famous product lines, but it is slightly modified so that one of the letters is different.)

Me: “Well, I think I see the problem. This is definitely not a [brand]; it’s a cheap Chinese knock-off, and that logo has one of the letters changed. See?”

Customer: “Let’s look at the manual. I’ve got it here.”

(The customer begins thumbing through what looks like a photocopied manual full of tiny text written in bad English.)

Customer: “You’d think the guys at [brand] would be able to write clearer instructions.”

Me: “Sir, I really recommend that you bring that item back if you can.”

Customer: “No way, I bought this because it’s a phone that doesn’t need the web. All they have these days are smart phones that go on the web. But I’m not smart.”

Me: “Did the guy in Boston tell you that?”

Not So Smart-Card

Meet The Frankensteins

| New Jersey, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

Customer: “Didn’t you have glasses on last time you checked me out?”

Me: “No, I don’t wear glasses.”

Customer: “Are you sure? Maybe you just wear them occasionally?”

Me: “No, I don’t need glasses. I’m one of the only people in my family who doesn’t.”

Customer: “But I know there was something different about you last time. I know I’ve seen your face before just on a different body.”

I Hear Sea Shells On The Sea Shore

| USA | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

(I work at a small shop that sells sea shells and other beach items. A customer comes in and holds a piece of merchandise to her ear.)

Customer: “I think I can hear the ocean. I thought they were lying!”

Me: “Um, ma’am…”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You’re holding a cup with a seashell painted on it to your ear.”