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    VIP: Very Irritating Person

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I direct your call?”

    Caller: “I’m in a meeting.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “I’m in a meeting.”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

    Caller: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m in a meeting.”

    Me: “Sir, you called me.”

    Caller: “Yes, I called to let you know I’m in a meeting.”

    Me: “…” *hangs up*

    An Unsalvageable Lie

    | Ottawa, Canada |

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return this. *hands me a metal, foot-operated garbage bin*

    Me: “Sure, I’ll need the receipt please.”

    Customer: “I don’t have it.”

    Me: “OK, is there any reason why you’re returning it?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my wife didn’t want it.”

    Me: “Did you use it?”

    Customer: “No.”

    (I open it to find an old dirty sock.)

    Me: “Sir, I can’t take this. There’s a dirty sock in there.”

    Customer: “That was already in there.”

    Me: “…”

    You Say To-mah-to, I Say Pot-tah-to

    | Santa Barbara, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [garden store], this is ***. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Yeah, i have mites on my, uh… tomato plants. I need something to put on them to kill the mites”

    Me: “Well, sir, we have many different types of sprays and powders for bug eradication that can work.”

    Caller: “I need something that can work indoors.”

    Me: “Indoors? Like a greenhouse? Because the products we have are all natural and can be used in a greenhouse.”

    Caller: “I mean indoors like in my house. I don’t want to use a spray in the closet in my room.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re growing tomatoes in your closet?”

    Customer “Uh, yeah… so what can I use?”

    Me: “Well, we have a powder made of diatomes you can use to kill the mites, and you can still eat the tomatoes without any issue. It’s all natural and perfectly safe.”

    Caller: “That sounds good, but… umm, what if I were to smoke the tomato plant? Would that still be safe?”

    (I finally realize he’s NOT really talking about tomatoes.)

    Me: “Umm, sir, tomato plants are part of the nightshade family and are actually poisonous if ingested. I wouldn’t recommend smoking them or eating the plant itself. Just the tomato.”

    Caller: “But, if I had a plant that was smokeable, i could use the powder stuff and it would be okay?”

    Me: “Yeah, just make sure you wash it good before you um… smoke it… as you would with any home-grown vegetables and fruits.”

    Caller: “You’re sure? Because i don’t wanna die for smoking something i’m not supposed to.”

    Me: “Then make sure you aren’t smoking the tomato plants in your closet and you’ll be fine. Have a nice day!”

    Old School Hustlers

    | Burnsville, MN, USA | Top

    (A customer approaches the bookstore counter with an adult magazine.)

    Customer 2, from behind Customer 1: “What’s the matter, don’t you have a computer?”

    This Can Not End Well

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how may I help you today?”

    Caller: “I need a part for my car.”

    Me: “Okay, what year, make, and model is your car?”

    Caller: “Umm… it’s a black car.”

    Me: “Okay, who made your car?”

    Caller: “Some dude in a factory.”

    Me: “Is it a Chevy, Ford, Chrysler?”

    Caller: “It’s a Honda… Civic.”

    Me: “Okay, what part do you need?”

    Caller: “I was wondering if you guys sell little microwaves to put in the dash.”

    Me: “No, no sir we do not.”

    Caller: “But I saw this really awesome picture on the internet that had a microwave in the dash of this dude’s car.”

    Me: “Um, I’m pretty sure that he had years of experience in working with that particular car, it’s electronics systems, and microwaves before he actually put that microwave in his car. They do not offer microwaves for cars.”

    Caller: “So… do you think you could put in a microwave for me?”

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