(I have just finished ringing up a small order for a man and his 20-year-old son. Their change is only three cents, and they have already started walking away before I could hand it to them.)
Me: “Wait, I’ve still got your change, unless you don’t want it.”
Customer’s son: *doing Jedi hand wave* “We want our change.”
Me: *at the same time* “You don’t want your change.”
(We both wait a beat, then everyone in line breaks out laughing. We hadn’t practiced it, either.)
(I am talking to a woman on the phone who needs to call back the next day. She is in Texas).
Caller: “What time is it there?”
Me: “Three thirty.”
Caller: “In the morning?”
Me: “No, in the afternoon.”
Caller: “Oh. Of what day?”
Me: “Saturday. We’re only three hours different from you.”
Caller: “Really?” *pause* “Is it snowing?”
Me: “No ma’am, its August. Its nice and sunny out.”
Caller: “Oh wow!”
Yukon Freeze It
No Vocation For Location
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
No Fortitude For Longitude
No Aptitude For Latitude
Customer: “I’ll have the chicken salad.”
Customer: “Is there MSG in it?”
Me: “There might be some in the dressing, I can check for you. Are you allergic?
Customer: “No, it just gives me diarrhea.”
Customer’s friend: “That’s too much information!”
Customer: “No she needs to know. You need to know right?”
Me: *nervous laughter* “Oh, absolutely.”
(A middle aged couple come into the tropical fish section and ask me about their algae-eating fish.)
Customer: "Hello, we bought some algae eaters a while back, and they died after about 2 weeks. We bought some more and they did exactly the same after 2 weeks and we were just wondering what could have been wrong with them?"
Me: "What have you been feeding them?"
Customer: "Nothing, we thought they ate the algae."
Me: "They do, if there’s enough to go around."
Customer: “Oh dear. Well they did keep the glass awfully clear."
(These customers are usually regulars and rant with us.)
Customer: “Those d*** telemarketers keep calling me at home. I swear, one of these days, I’m going to find those f***s and gun them down!”
Me: “Aww, that’s hardly fair. They’re just doing their job, you know?”
Customer: “Yeah, well that’s what the Nazis said at Nuremberg.”
Me: “Are you honestly trying to comparing somebody calling you at home inconveniently equal to genocide?”
Customer: “D*** right it is. They should do something about it too! Hold a trial or something.”
Me: “Sir, I don’t think it’s really fair to make that sort of judgment on any individual.”
Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying that what the Nazis did was okay?”
Me: “Not at all. Just that it’s a bit of a stretch.”
Customer: “Uh huh…you seem like the kind of guy who’d stand up for the terrorists, too wouldn’t you? I bet if they built a mosque on Ground Zero, you’d be okay with that, too!?”
Me: “They’re already doing that.”
Customer: “Wait, what!?”