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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Finally, Mayonnaise That Burns Calories

    , | Rincon, GA, USA |

    (A lady comes into our sandwich shop and orders a sub. Everything is normal until…)

    Customer: “Could I get mayonnaise?”

    Me: “Sure”.

    (I put the mayonnaise on the sandwich.)

    Customer: *orgasm noise* “Mooooore.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Customer: *orgasm noise* “More mayonnaise!”

    (I honestly think a little bit of my spirit died that day.)

    Unhappily Ever After

    | Maryland, USA |

    Caller: “I want to check the status of my form to withdrawal my account.”

    Me: “I’m sorry Sir, but you gave conflicting information on the form. In the section where it asked if you were married, you marked both ‘Yes’ and ‘No’.’

    Caller: “…and?”

    Me: “Well, sir, that is conflicting information, so it was kicked out of the system.”

    Caller: “So, what should I mark?”

    Me: “Well, are you married or not?”

    Caller: “I’m married… but I don’t like her.”

    Me: “It sounds like you’re separated, but just to check, are you legally married?”

    Caller: “Yes, but I don’t feel like I’m married.”

    Me: “If you aren’t legally divorced, you’ll need to mark that you are married.”

    Caller: “But I don’t LIKE her!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    From Sprinting In Stilettos To Shin Splints & Sprains

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for high-heeled running shoes.”

    Me: “Um…we don’t make high-heeled running shoes.”

    Customer: “That’s impossible! I bought some here last year!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’ve been working here for 2 years, and I can assure you that we have never carried high-heeled running shoes.”

    Customer: “Well, where can I find some?”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure those don’t exist. Heels would defeat the purpose of a running shoe.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’m not shopping here ever again!” *storms out*

    Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am!”

    Delicious Deals

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    Me: “Would you like this gift wrapped?”

    Customer: “Yes I would.”

    Me: “OK – here’s your receipt. Just head to the back of the store in about 5 min–”

    (The customer eats the receipt.)

    Me: “Oh…um, you actually need that to collect your purchase from gift wrap…”

    (The customer spits the receipt onto the counter.)

    Customer: “It didn’t taste very good anyway.”

    The End Justifies The Crazy Means

    | Munich, Germany |

    (I worked as a debt collector for a car rental agency.)

    Debtor: *on the phone* “You sent me a court order about a debt. I can’t pay it. But, I can offer you some paintings I made.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I cannot accept them. You have to pay cash or make a wire transfer.”

    Debtor: “They’re good paintings – I have written confirmation by the Arts Department of the University of **** that they’re good.”

    Me: “If they’re that good, I recommend that you sell a few of the paintings. Then you’ll have money to pay your debt.

    Debtor: “I can’t do that! To sell a painting I’d have to ruin a marriage!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand…”

    Debtor: “Well, for a man to buy a painting off me, I’d have to sleep with him. His wife would find out, and she’d divorce him.”

    Me: “Ma’am…I think that you should check your relationship with reality. I am extending your deadline by one week; please pay cash or transfer…”

    Me: *to my co-worker* “I can’t believe she just said that. I can’t believe I just said that.”

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