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    Hoochie Grannies, Gotta Love ‘Em

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A little old lady is getting coffee. She is wearing thick blue eyeshadow, pink circles of blush, and bright red lipstick.)

    Me: “Here’s your coffee. That’ll be $2.75.”

    Little old lady: *gives me a $20* “Keep the change, dear.”

    Me: “That’s very generous, thank you!”

    Little old lady: “After work, go buy yourself some makeup. Just because you work at a coffee shop doesn’t mean you have to look like a slob!”

    Trust Me, The Dull Finish Suits You

    | Costa Mesa, CA, USA |

    (A customer is looking at hardware we have on display.)

    Customer: “Is the polished finish… dull?”

    Me: “No. The polished finish is polished.”

    Customer: “Oh… so what’s the dull finish?”

    Me: “The dull finish… is.. sometimes called brushed.

    Customer: “So it’s not polished?”

    Me: “No. polished… is like a mirror. You can see your reflection.”

    Customer: “Oh… what do you see on the dull finish?”

    Me: *face palm*

    Ah, Mothers

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    (A mother and her teenage son come through my line…)

    Me: “Hello, did you find everything you need?”

    Mother: “Yes, we did.”

    (I notice she is buying party items, including cups, soda, pizzas, napkins… and condoms.)

    Me: “Oh, are you having a party soon?”

    Mother: *nods* “My little James is growing up. He’s going to have an orgy with all his little friends, aren’t you Captain Muffinpants?”

    Me: *suppresses laughter* “Will that be all?”

    Son: “YES! YES THAT WILL BE ALL!” *runs to car*

    Related:
    Mom In A Thong: Wrong
    A Mother’s Love

    Pepsi With A Hint Of Levis

    | Worcester, MA, USA |

    (A customer places a 2 liter bottle of soda down at the end of the conveyor belt. When the conveyor belt, moves the bottle falls over and the cap shatters; the soda leaks all over my pants.)

    Me: “Sir, you’re going to have to get another bottle if you still want to buy the soda.”

    Customer: “But I wanted that bottle!”

    Me: “Well, then… I’ll just squeeze the soda from my pants back into the bottle for you.”

    We Have No Power, Starring Samuel L. Jackson

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    (During a major power outage that left all of Cincinnati in the dark for days, a woman calls the theater asking about movie times.)

    Customer: “Hi, what movies do you have playing today?”

    Me: “None, we don’t have electricity.”

    Customer: “And what time does that start?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we aren’t open.”

    Customer: “That’s too early, what else you got?”

    Me: “NO MOVIES ARE SHOWING TODAY!”

    Customer: “I heard that was no good.”

    Me: “We can’t show movies because we have no power!”

    Customer: “Is that the movie with Samuel L Jackson?”

    Me: *gives up* “Yes, ma’am. It starts at 6pm but you might want to be here early because it gets crowded this time of day.”


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