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    Redemption Is Futile

    | Novi, MI, USA |

    Customer: “I want money for this.” *holding up a gift certificate*

    Manager: “I’m sorry, but we can’t give you money back for that.”

    Customer: “But someone gave YOU money for this; I want MONEY for it.”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. Our store is closing. I can talk to Corporate and see if they can do something for you, but it’s Sunday and they’re not open today.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! This is horrible customer service. I’m never shopping here again!”

    Me: “It doesn’t matter. We’re closing.”

    The Root Of The Problem

    , | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    Customer: “Hey there! Do you guys have any bamboo wood flooring?”

    Customer’s Wife: “Not fake bamboo. Real bamboo.”

    Me: “Not in stock, but we can easily special order some for you. Might I ask why you specifically need bamboo?”

    Customer: “Well, you see, we had our basement finished a few years ago with oak floors, but since then it has flooded several times. We keep having to tear up the floor and put down new stuff.”

    Customer’s Wife: “It’s very annoying.”

    Customer: “Very. So we figured that if we had bamboo floors it would be able to soak up the water easily, or be reusable or something like that.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Do you know if bamboo can do that?”

    Me: “Um…I’ve never thought much about it, but I think the bigger concern here is whatever’s causing your basement to consistently flood.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Something with the window wells. I just figured this would be a quick fix.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re in the completely wrong department.”

    Santa Goes Psycho

    | New Jersey, USA |

    (I am stocking Christmas ribbon with a coworker.)

    Customer: “You two ladies look like you can help me.”

    Me: “Sure, what do you want to know?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a tree.”

    Me: “Ok, the trees are in the back of the store under the ‘Seasonal’ sign.”

    Customer: “No, no. Let me finish. I want a tree; it’s circular, but it’s a tree, and it’s a circle, but it’s only a half-circle, but it’s a tree. Oh! And you hang it on your window, and it’s a tree, and a circle.”

    Me & Coworker: “…”

    Customer: “IT’S A TREE, AND IT’S A CIRCLE AND A TREE, AND YOU HANG IT ON YOUR WINDOW, BUT IT’S ONLY A HALF-CIRCLE, BUT IT’S A CIRCULAR TREE!!

    Me: “Uh…a wreath?”

    Customer: “NO, NO, WHAT THE F***?! IT’S A CIRCLE AND A TREE, AND IT’S A CIRCLE AND A HALF-CIRCLE, AND YOU HANG IT ON YOUR WINDOW!”

    Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

    Customer: “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS?!”

    Me: “No…sorry, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, is there someone else in here that can help me?”

    Coworker: “There are other people here, but with that description I doubt anyone will be able to help you.”

    Customer: “OH, WHAT THE F***?!”

    (Customer storms off, but a moment later comes back.)

    Customer: “Oh, by the way, do you sell Jello here?”

    Me: “Um, no. We’re a craft store, not a grocery store.”

    Customer: “Well, people use Jello for crafts.”

    Me: “Uh, sorry.”

    Customer: “SERIOUSLY! THEY HIRE F***ING IDIOTS HERE!” *storms off…again*

    It’s So Easy…Yet So Difficult

    | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA |

    (I worked for the online customer service branch of a major department store, answering questions via “live help”. The store had many older customers who would often have trouble shopping online. The following is an online conversation I had.)

    Customer: “Your site won’t let me get through!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Could you tell me what part of the site you were having an issue with?”

    Customer: “It keeps telling me that I have the wrong password. I have my password!”

    (I look up her password and use it on the site to make sure it
    works.)

    Me: “I have tested your password and it appears to be working. Would you like me to send you an e-mail with a copy of your password?”

    Customer: “NO! I have my password! It says it right here on the screen, and I typed it just like it says.”

    Me: *slightly confused as to why the customer’s password would be displayed* “What password do you see on the screen?”

    Customer: “cAsE sEnsitIve! I typed it the exact way that it says here! ‘Your password is cAsE sEnsitIve’!”

    It Runs On Imagination

    | Acworth, GA, USA |

    (An older woman comes in looking for flashlights, and I take her to that section.)

    Customer: “Ok then, do any of these flashlights plug in?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, these few here use a built in battery that can be recharged with a power cord.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want any batteries, just the cord. Flashlight batteries are always dead every time I need the flashlight!”

    Me: “Oh, well I’m sorry, but all we have are these types of flashlights. Why did you want a corded model?”

    Customer: “Oh, you know, in case the power goes out.”

    Me: “…”

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