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    Veni Vidi Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Went Home & Bought

    | Lawrenceville, NJ, USA | Top

    Customer: “I definitely think I want to buy this laptop.”

    Me: “That’s great, sir. If you just wait here, I can run back and get it for you right now.”

    Customer: “Oh, thanks, that would be great. And I also read something on your website about free shipping.”

    Me: “Yes…that’s true.”

    Customer: “So, do I get free shipping?”

    Me: “Um, that only applies to online orders. There’s no shipping if you buy directly from the store.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “…because you don’t need anything shipped if you buy it in the store…”

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. Why would anyone buy it in the store when they can get free shipping online?”

    Me: “Uh…because they’re already at the store…?”

    Customer: “You know what? I think I’m gonna just go buy it online. And you should probably re-evaluate your free shipping policy. No offense, but it’s kind of stupid.”

    Me: “…”

    Live Culture Club

    | Edmonton, Alberta, Canada |

    (A man walks up to the service desk and wants to return his yogurt.)

    Me: “Sure – is it expired?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Did you just need a different flavor or something?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “All right, what’s the reason for returning it?”

    Customer: *shakes the yogurt* “Listen to that!” *shakes it again near my ear* “Doesn’t sound right!”

    Me: “I see…”

    Customer: “Yogurt shouldn’t sound like that.”

    Inconvenience Saves The Day

    | London, UK |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Pay Per View, this is **** speaking. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Uh, yeah…I, uh, used up all my credit, and I need you to give me some more.”

    Me: “You can purchase credit on our website, or through the automated system on the phone. Would you like assistance with either of those?”

    Customer: *yelling* “NO! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! YOU SAYING I’M STUPID?!”

    Me: “Um, no…I was just offering to–”

    Customer: “WELL, NOW I WANT IT FREE! I DEMAND ¬£20 FREE CREDIT!”

    Me: “I can’t just hand out free credit like that, that’s not how it works. If you have a complaint, I can transfer you to that department–”

    Customer: “NO!” *suddenly quiet* “Where is your office located?”

    Me: “We’re in ****.”

    Customer: “RIGHT! I’M GONNA COME DOWN THERE AND F*** YOU UP! I KNOW YOUR NAME, F***HEAD! I’LL F***ING FIND YOU!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Wait, where is ****, exactly?”

    Me: “Um…about an hour out of the city by bus or car.”

    Customer: “What?! Really? That far? Nah…I’ll probably leave it so. Thanks anyway. Bye.” *hangs up*

    Homework For Super Villainy 101

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    Customer: *on the phone* “Yeah, I found you guys on Google. I’m trying to find a laser gun that, you know, you can shoot a plane down with?”

    Me: “Um…we sell laser printer cartridges, not lasers…”

    Customer: “Oh…I guess I couldn’t really throw a cartridge that far at a plane, huh?”

    Me: “Uh…no?”

    COD 4: Trout At War

    , | London, UK |

    (I witnessed from one of the checkout lines.)

    Customer: “Do you have COD 4?”

    Employee: “Call of Duty 4? Yes we–”

    Customer: “No, no, no, not Call of Duty 4. COD 4!”

    Employee: “Sir, COD 4 stands for Call of Duty 4…”

    Customer: “No, it doesn’t! The customer is always right! Now bring me a copy of COD 4 right now!”

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