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    Higher Than A Helicopter

    | Massachusetts, USA | Bizarre, Uncategorized

    Customer: “I need to make a copy of this key because the police need to use this one in an investigation.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this key is broken clean in half. I don’t think I can copy this.”

    Customer: “Well you see, the police are investigating into the helicopters and I need another key.”

    Me: “The helicopters?”

    Customer: “Yes, yes. They break into my car.” *picking up a flashlight from the checkout counter* “Oh! I wonder if this flashlight is helicopter proof.”

    Me: “Uh…I don’t know to be honest.”

    Customer: “Well. The helicopters always make things stop working suddenly.”

    (She clicks the flashlight on and off until suddenly it no longer turns on.)

    Customer: “Ah, there. Not helicopter proof. They’re in my veins, you know.”


    | Lancaster, PA, USA | Books & Reading, Funny Names, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you have an ‘ology’ section?”

    Me: “Are you looking for biology, psychology, sociology?”

    Customer: “No, just ‘ology’.”

    Me: “I’m not sure what that is. Maybe you could explain it to me?”

    Customer: “You know, speeches people give at funerals.”

    Staring Into Space Bar

    | Piteå, Sweden | Technology, Uncategorized

    (A customer calls in because her computer has been hijacked by malware. After some troubleshooting it is clear that there are no repair options available due to system corruption. We decide on a reinstallation of the operating system.)

    Me: “Before we press the restart button I will explain what will happen. During the reboot a line of white text on a black background will appear stating ‘Press any key’ – the moment you see this line you press space. The most common mistake made by customers is that they feel insecure and ask before pressing which takes too long and we have to restart the computer again. The moment you see ‘Press any key’ I want you to press space. Any questions?”

    Customer: “No, I understand.”

    Me: “Okay, go ahead and press restart then.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    (The customer goes silent for a while.)

    Customer: “So, press any key. Does that mean I can press any key on the keyboard?”

    Me: “Yes, but press the space bar just to be sure since some keys might not register.”

    Customer: “Oh. So that’s the any key! Is that the long button?”

    Me: *pause* “That is correct.”

    Customer: “Ok. Now it says Windows XP and the bars are moving.”

    Me: “So you didn’t press the space bar?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Did you see the text?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. You were talking to me and I panicked!”

    Not The Brightest Bulb In The Box

    | South Carolina, USA | Bizarre, Home Improvement, Uncategorized

    Customer: “I would like to return this flashlight.”

    Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It’s too hard to take apart.”

    Me: “Why did you take it apart?”

    Customer: “I wanted to know if it was easy to take apart.”

    DJ Freud, Featuring The Oedipus Complexes

    | Houston, TX, USA | Family & Kids, Funny Names, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

    (I work in the beauty department and a customer comes up to me).

    Customer: “I need a face wash for my son that will get rid of the semen on his face.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Are you deaf? He is too oily!”

    Me: “You mean sebum?”

    (The customer turns the brightest shade of red and runs out the store.)