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    Please Don’t Pet The Employees

    | Dublin, Ireland |

    Customer: “Wow! you look so much like that guy!”

    Me: “Um…what guy, ma’am?”

    Customer: “You know! That rocker guy with that daughter and son.”

    Me: “Do you mean Ozzy Osbourne?”

    Customer: “Yeah! That guy.” *pauses* “You have such a great skin!”

    (The customer begins to grab my face.)

    Me: *starts pulling away* “Uh…ma’am, can you please stop touching my face?”

    Customer: “Why? Come back!”

    Manager: *coming out of his office* “Ma’am, please leave my store and stop harassing my staff!”

    Customer: “But…why can’t I touch his face?”

    Manager: “Out!”

    Related:
    Please Don’t Titillate The Employees
    Please Don’t Feed The Customers

    You Say Vacation, I Say D**nation

    | Louisville, KY, USA |

    Me: “Do you need some help?”

    Young Teen: “Yes, I’m looking for a book on a country.”

    Me: “Do you want a travel guide, or a book about the history of the country?

    Teen: “A travel guide, I guess. It’s for school.”

    Me: “OK, then. Where would you like a travel guide to?”

    Teen: “Hades.”

    Me:“…you mean, Haiti?”

    Teen: “Yeah, I guess that’s the way we say it here.”

    It’s Not Exactly SAT Vocabulary

    | Saginaw, Texas, USA |

    Me: “Hi welcome to [coffee shop]! What can I get started for you today?”

    Drive-through customer: “I want a mo-CHA.”

    Me: “What size?”

    Customer: “The middle one.”

    Me: “Okay, did you want that hot or iced?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Did you want that hot or iced?”

    Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re asking. Why are you asking me so many questions? Why can’t you just make my drink?”

    Me: “I just need to know if you want it hot or iced.”

    Customer: “What’s the difference?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “What’s the difference between hot and iced?”

    Me: “About a hundred and thirty degrees?”

    Customer: “Oh… hot!”

    (Of course, when she gets up to the window it turns out she wanted an iced blended mocha.)

    Might We Suggest Some Buckets

    | Saint John, NB, Canada |

    Tech Support: “Thank you for calling ****. This is ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh my God, my water pipes burst open over my server room! What the h*** do I do?!”

    Tech Support: “Your office water pipes burst over your server room?”

    Customer: “Yes! What the h*** do I do?!”

    Tech Support: “Call the fire department! Why are you calling me?!”

    Your Infrastructure Dollars At Work

    | Lee's Summit, MO, USA |

    (Late at night, a customer comes to register with a tall bottle of whiskey and off-brand cola.)

    Me: “Do you have your [customer] card?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I got it right here on my cell phone. You see, I gotta have my phone on me at all times in case the boss calls, I got the keys to heavy machinery.”

    Me: “Oh yeah?”

    Customer: “You know how much fun it is to drive a bulldozer when you’re sober? IMAGINE THAT WHILE YOU’RE DRUNK!”

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