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    Cute But Not Astute

    | Brandon, MB, Canada | Uncategorized

    Me: “How are you guys doing today?”

    Customer: “Do I get a discount?”

    Me: “For what? Do you have a coupon or anything?”

    Customer: “No. I’m just really cute.”

    Remember Remember, Dismember Or Distemper

    | Madison, WI, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pet clinic]. How may I help you today?”

    Client: “My dog is due for it’s dismemberment shot.”

    Me: “Distemper? We can set up an appointment for that.”

    Client: “Yes, dismemberment. I need my dog to get his dismemberment shot.”

    Me: “Distemper.”

    Client: “How much is the dismemberment shot?”

    Me: “The distemper vaccine is [vaccine]. Would you like to set up an appointment for your dog to receive the distemper vaccine?”

    Client: “Yes, please. I would like you to dismember my dog.”

    She Must Be High(lands)

    | Scotland, UK | Uncategorized

    (We get called to a hay-bale fire in a field. We were the first on scene, but we couldn’t see any fire. The incident was also right next to an air force base. I end up calling the person who reported the fire.)

    Me: “Can you please tell us where the fire is, ma’am?”

    Caller: *slurring her words* “It’s doon there in the field. There’s a few hay bales on fire, aye.”

    Me: “Thank you. We will just have a look.”

    (We look.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we couldn’t find any trace of a fire in that field. Are you sure you saw flames?”

    Caller: “No, but I did see some odd lights in the sky. I thought it was one of them UFOs.  I thought you would want tae have a wee bittie look!”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am. W’re the fire brigade. We only deal with fires. Perhaps you would like to speak to the air force base next door?”

    Caller: “Ach, it’s fine. I’ll just carry on watching the telly then, and hope the b****** dinnae come back!”

    Some Customers Just Waltz In

    | Gaithersburg, MD, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am a customer in the video game section of a toy store. Another customer comes in and approaches an employee.)

    Customer: “Do you have the dance dance game?”

    Employee: “We might. For which system?”

    Customer: “Dancing?”

    Employee: “No. We need to know, because they only work on the system they were meant for.”

    Customer: “It’s for the television.”

    Employee: “Yes, but-”

    Customer: “You put the thing on the floor and jump around like this!”

    (The customer starts jumping around. It is actually a fairly good representation of playing ‘Dance Dance Revolution’.)

    Now That Is A Wonder Bra

    , | Brighton, UK | Uncategorized

    (The ‘invisible bras’ we advertise talk about the see-through straps.)

    Customer: “I thought this was an invisible bra, but I can see it!”

    (She is pointing angrily at the black bra under her thin white top.)

    Me: *playing along* “No, miss. The invisible bras were the ones next to those ones. I don’t know how you didn’t see them.”

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