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    Wet The Appetite

    | Staten Island, NY, USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    (A young woman approaches the front register with a dead Siamese fighting fish in a cup.)

    Customer: “I want a refund on my fish. All the fish I buy here keep dying! This is my 3rd replacement. I don’t understand what could be wrong except that you sell sick fish!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry for that miss. I assure you we give all of our animals, including our fish, excellent care. Could you describe to me anything you noticed wrong with your fish before it passed away?”

    Customer: “Well when I first get one it’s completely fine. I change the water once a week, add water conditioner, and it seems happy and healthy. Then, after a couple of weeks it starts looking really sickly and one day it just dies for no apparent reason.”

    Me: “Ok, well what were you feeding it? Was it eating well?”

    Customer:“Feeding it? These kind of fish eat?”

    Me: “Yes of course they do. Everything needs to eat.”

    Customer: “Wow, really?! I thought they just ate the water.”

    Not A Believer

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Liars & Scammers, Money

    Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, how much is an oil change?”

    Me: “$38.99.”

    Caller: “Okay, well usually I bring in a coupon and they give me money off, but I don’t have it with me this time. Can you just give me a discount?”

    Me: “No, we actually need to scan the hard copy itself to enter a discount.”

    Caller: “Well, what if I bring in a make-believe coupon?”

    Me: “A what?”

    Caller: “You know, a make-believe coupon?”

    Me: “Those are good for make-believe oil changes.”

    Winner Of The No-Door-Bell Prize

    | Halifax, NS, Canada | Extra Stupid

    Customer: “Why won’t the door open?”

    Me: “It opens like a normal door. It’s not automatic.”

    Customer: “I don’t get it.”

    Me: “Give it a push.”

    (The customer backs up and tries to ‘activate’ the door again.)

    Customer: “It won’t open!”

    Environ-mental

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Math & Science

    Me: “Ma’am, would you like a bag to carry any of these items?”

    Customer: “No, I’m an environmentalist. I don’t want to add to destroy our environment.”

    Me: “Ma’am, security for this store requests that everyone at least receive a bag to know that you’ve bought items here.”

    Customer: “You can’t tell me that I have to take a bag and I won’t have it. I refuse to contribute to the garbage problem!”

    Me: “Fine, would you like to keep these hangers that your clothes came with?”

    Customer: “No, just throw them out.”

    Thankful For A Thankless Job

    | Florida, USA | Movies & TV

    (I am working behind the concession stand on Thanksgiving day.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Can I buy some of that food over there?”

    (They point to the employee’s Thanksgiving food we have to eat between shows.)

    Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry it’s not for sale.”

    Customer: “Why not? That’s ridiculous.”

    Me: “Our families brought us that food for Thanksgiving since we have to be here instead of celebrating with them. I can’t sell it to you.”

    Customer: “You’re so selfish!”

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