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    How Is My Excuse? Call 1-800-NOT-ALWAYS-RIGHT

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Hi, thanks for calling ****. Can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I have a complaint about your delivery driver. He was driving too slow, and in the carpool lane.”

    Me: “How fast was he going?”

    Caller: “60 miles per hour.”

    Me: “Well, sir, that is the speed limit. Was he by himself in the carpool lane?”

    Caller: “No, there were two people.”

    Me: “So, let me see if I understand. Your complaint is that my delivery driver was following the law?”

    Caller: “Yes, and I want him fired, or at least reprimanded. He made me late for work!”

    Me: “…”

    When Stupid People Attack

    | New York, NY, USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    Customer: “Hey, you!”

    Me: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “These bears are extremely boring. I paid money to see the animals move around.”

    Me: “It’s very hot today, ma’am. Bears don’t like to move around much on hot days, and they sleep at least 16 hours out of the day anyway.”

    Customer: “I don’t care if it’s hot outside. Why won’t they do anything?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the bears are not required to move around for your entertainment.”

    Customer: “Well, they should be!”

    Me: “They’re wild animals, ma’am. If they don’t want to move around, they don’t have to.”

    Customer: “I want to see your superior! Maybe he will understand!”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

    Customer: “These bears are boring!”

    Manager: *tells her what I said about hot days*

    Customer: “Go poke them or something. Make them move!”

    Me: “You’re asking me to go into an enclosed area with a group of thousand-pound carnivores, and poke them with a stick so that they can amuse you?

    Customer: “Yes! Just make them do something!”

    MacGyver Becomes a Dad

    | Hampton, SC, USA |

    (A man was picking up a prescription for his infant child.)

    Customer: “How much did you say the prescription was?”

    Me: “$49.99.”

    Customer: “What’s the difference between this and what I can get over the counter?”

    Me: “There’s no cough medicine you can give your 8 month old, sir, other than this.”

    Customer: “Well, what’s in it?”

    (He picks up the prescription papers and starts rustling through them.)

    Customer: “If I can buy everything that’s in it over the counter, I’ll just make it myself.”

    Me: “…excuse me?”

    Driven By Fear, Threats & Minimum Wage

    | USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling customer support.”

    Customer: “Hi. I need some help figuring out this thing. I’m not very familiar with electronics.” *pause* “YOU’RE A FRAUD AND I’M GOING TO THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU RIGHT NOW!”

    Me: “Excuse me, sir, I don’t believe that’s necessary. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh, my friend said you’d only be useful if I scared you. How do I charge my unit?”

    The Dangers Of Using Fishy Logic

    | San Francisco, California | Food & Drink, Geography

    (I work at a fish and chips booth at a 19th-century London convention.)

    Customer: “Hi, I want some chips.”

    Me: “Sure, that’ll be ***. Here are your chips.”

    Customer: “No, I want chips.”

    Me: “These are chips.”

    Customer: “No, they’re french fries.”

    Me: “In England, they’re called chips.”

    Customer: “So? We’re in America.”

    Me: “You’re at a convention set in London.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “So, they’re called chips in an attempt to be authentic.”

    Customer: “The f***? I’m an American and in America they’re called french fries!”

    Me: “So why aren’t they called American fries?”

    Customer: *stares blankly*

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