November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

(Screen) Save My Internet

| Oshawa, ON, Canada | Technology, Uncategorized

Me: “Hi my name is [name] from [company] internet tech support how can I help you today?”

Customer: “My internet is down.”

Me: “Alright what happens when you try to browse?”

Customer: “Nothing, the screen goes black every time I leave the computer for a few minutes. And I have to hold down the power button for it to come back but that restarts everything!”

Me: “Okay can you move the mouse?”

Customer: “I tried that it doesn’t work!”

Me: “Try pressing any key on the keyboard.”

Customer: “Okay, the screen isn’t black anymore, but my internet is still down.”

Me: “What does it say?”

Customer: “Owner logged in.”

Me: “Click on owner.”

Customer: “Okay internet is working now.”

Me: “Sir, that was your screen saver.”

Customer: “I don’t know what that is, but thanks for fixing the internet. Bye!”

A Few Knights Short Of A Round Table

| Germany | Bizarre, Uncategorized

(I am a dressmaker who specializes in historical clothing. I have made several dresses to illustrate the evolution of fashion over the centuries. These dresses hang in the back of our stall, each labeled with the proper century.)

Customer: *rushes up an points to the 15th-century dress* “Oh, that’s my dress there!”

Me: “Yes, it’s beautiful, isn’t it? Would you like to try it?”

Customer: “I’d like to buy it. It’s exactly my dress.”

Me: “Your dress?”

Customer: “Yes. I had past-life regression last week. And I wore this dress while I was waltzing with King Arthur 500 years ago!”

Stupidity In Bloom

| Long Beach, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

(We have run out of sandwiches that had meat and are only left with garden/veggie burgers.)

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a veggie burger, so there’s no meat in it. We call it a garden burger here.”

Customer: “Garden burger? So there are flowers in there?”

Half Past Wine

| Scottsdale, AZ, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

(It was past closing time, all the lights were off and the gate was half closed. I came out of the back to find a woman standing in the store.)

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, we’re closed.”

Customer: *slurred* “But I need to buy some peanut butter.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you’ll have to come back tomorrow morning, we open at 10.”

Customer: “I thought you were open till 9? You shouldn’t be closing early. That’s bad business.”

Me: “It’s past 9, ma’am.”

Customer: “But the bartender downstairs said it was another half hour until all the stores closed.”

Me: “How long ago was that?”

Customer: “It couldn’t have been too long. I only had a couple of drinks after he told me.”

Make A Bullet Point About Bertha

| Peoria, IL, USA | Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

Me: “Sir, do we need to speak with anyone other than yourself to gain access onto your property?”

Customer: “No, no. My wife will be home. Oh yeah, and Bertha.”

Me: “Bertha, sir?”

Customer: “Bertha’s my shotgun, in case any of your technicians decide to get kinky with my wife.”