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    Bipartisan Barware

    | Rhode Island, USA |

    Customer: “You used to carry those drinking glasses that are shaped like soda pop bottles. ¬†Do you still have them?”

    Me: “I believe so. Let me check with that department.”

    Associate, over walkie talkie: “Yes, we do have some. They’re in the barware section.”

    Me, to customer: “Ok, ma’am, we do have some–”

    Customer: “No, I was just back there, and you only have the really big ones and the ones that are too small. ¬†You used to have the medium-sized ones that are just right. ¬†I told the boy back there that I needed the medium-sized ones.”

    Me: “So… you already spoke to the department associate?”

    Customer: “Yes, and he said that you don’t have them anymore. But I know that you do, because I saw Hillary Clinton drinking from one of them on the debates last night!”

    Me, to the associate: “Are we out of stock on those glasses, or are they discontinued?”

    Associate: “Discontinued. ¬†I already spoke to someone about these glasses…”

    Me, to customer: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it looks like we’re not going to be carrying that particular size anymore–

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! He’s lying!”

    Me: “Umm, excuse me?”

    Customer: “He’s lying! ¬†I saw Hillary Clinton drinking out of one of these g**d*** glasses last night on the debate! And you’re trying to tell me that they don’t make them anymore?! ¬†I don’t think so. ¬†Why are you all lying?! ¬†If Hillary Clinton can drink out of one of these glasses, then they obviously are still making them!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not saying that they’re not being made anymore. ¬†I’m saying that we’re no longer carrying that particular size in our store, that’s all.”

    Customer: “Lies!¬†I bet if Hillary Clinton came in here and asked for those glasses, you people would get off your a**es and check the back room for her!”

    Me: “Have a nice night, ma’am.”

    Eternal D**nation, Pleasant Atmosphere

    | Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada | Top

    (I’m the manager of a customer service department, and this guy had been hassling our representative for 10 minutes, so I jumped on the call.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, **** speaking. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Listen sweetie, I just want the phone number for **** company.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I just want the number for **** company, so you can go ahead and give it to me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we cannot give out the phone numbers of our suppliers. Our customer service department is not supplied with them, as we cannot give them out. Just as we would not give out your phone number, we cannot give out theirs.”

    Customer: “You’re lying to me. Give me the number! I work for a multi-billion dollar corporation, and we give out phone numbers all the time.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Maybe you could look it up online.”

    Customer: “Just let me speak to your secretary; she’ll give it to me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have one. Even if we did, she couldn’t help you.”

    Customer: “You’re a liar! Do you got to church?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You’re a liar, and you’re going to burn in H***.”

    Me: “You know what? I’m OK with that.”

    Customer: “What?! You’re going to burn in H***!”

    Me: “Well, as long as H*** is somewhere you’re not going to be, I’m still fine with that.”

    Getting Lost On The Super Highway

    | Waterloo, Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “**** Pizza, **** speaking. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need directions to your store.”

    Me: “OK, we’re located at **** Drive and **** Street.”

    Customer: “So, if I come out of my driveway, do I turn left or right? East or West?

    Me: “Uh… do you have a computer?”

    Customer: “Yes, but why?”

    Me: “Well, there’s this website, Mapquest.com–they should be able to help you.”

    Customer: “Oh, well how do I get to Mapquest? Left or right?”

    That’s One Small Kneeprint For Man

    , | Toronto, Canada | Top

    (I was in a record store and I overheard this conversation.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my dad. He likes jazz – who do you recommend?”

    Clerk: “Well, Louis Armstrong is pretty popular.”

    Customer: “Louis Armstrong? Isn’t he the astronaut? He’s like the first guy to walk on the moon.”

    Clerk: “No, no, you’re thinking Neil.”

    Customer: “Fine, whatever, the first guy to kneel on the moon.”

    Will Stop Playing For Food

    | Rochester, NY, USA |

    (It’s the end of the day on my mother’s hot dog cart, when I was about 17. We stop cooking and decide to hang up a sign selling the remaining cooked food 2-for-1. There’s an annoying guy that’s been badly playing the accordion next to our cart
    all day. )

    Accordion guy: “Closing, eh? I’d like four Italian sausage, two cheeseburgers, and two hot dogs!”

    (My mom happily packs up the order into a box as I ring up the total.)

    Me: “That’ll be $10.50.”

    Accordion guy: “What? No! It’s $4!”

    Me: “Cheeseburgers are $3.50, sausage is $3, and hot dogs are $2. We’re having a special right now, but there’s still no way it adds up to only $4.”

    Accordion guy: “NO! Your sign says two-for-one! Two things for one dollar! I got eight things, so it’s $4!”

    Me: “That’s not at all what that sign means. It means you get two things for the price of one.”

    Accordion guy: “Yes it does! That’s exactly what it means!”

    Me: “Sir, I wrote the sign myself. Several customers have come up to the cart in the last few minutes, and haven’t had any trouble with this concept.”

    Accordion guy: “It’s $4!”

    Me: “You saying that doesn’t make it true.”

    My mom, quietly, to me: “Whatever. If he’s eating, he can’t play the accordion!”

    Me: “Sir, that will be $4, please!”

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