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    Stairway To Nowhere

    | Pleasant Hill, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but I can’t seem to find the stairs to your second floor.”

    Me: “Ah, well ma’am, that’s probably because we don’t have a second floor.”

    Customer: “Yes you do, I’ve shopped here for 5 years. I’ve been to your second floor several times. If you look at this store from the outside, you can see that it’s big enough to house a second floor.”

    Me: “But there are no windows to show the second floor. No ma’am, we have that high ceiling instead. We never had a second floor.

    Customer: “YES YOU DO! Now stop screwing around with me and tell me where it is!”

    Manager: *overhearing this conversation* “Ma’am, I’ve worked here since our store opened 10 years ago. We’ve NEVER had a second floor.”

    Customer: “You’re lying! Tell me where the stairs are or I’m going to report your behavior to your corporate offices!”

    On The Politically Proper Placement of Puzzles

    , | Mesa, AZ, USA |

    Customer: “THIS STORE IS RACIST! YOU ARE RACIST!”

    Me: *confused* “Um… why?”

    Customer: “Your Native American puzzles are on the bottom shelf! I demand to speak to your manager!

    Me: “Okay, go ahead. I’m the manager on duty.”

    Customer: “This is an insult to me that your Native American puzzles are on the lower shelf. This is racism!”

    Me: “So, I’m a racist because the Native American puzzles are on the bottom shelf…”

    (I look at the shelf and notice some animal puzzles on the very bottom shelf.)

    Me: “Well, I hope PETA doesn’t find these puppy puzzles down here then.”

    Customer: *storms off*

    Coming Soon: Laptop Loofas

    , | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer #1: “This cell phone doesn’t work anymore. I want you to replace it.”

    Me: “When did it stop working?”

    Customer #1: “After I brought it in the shower.”

    Me: “If it got wet, it’s probably not going to work at all, and it won’t be covered by the warranty.”

    Customer #1: “I don’t understand. If it doesn’t work anymore, you’re supposed to replace it. It should work in the shower.”

    Me: “Well, no. Like any piece of electronics, it’s not going to work if you get it wet. Would you bring your laptop in the shower?”

    Customer #2: *interjecting* “I bring my laptop into the shower all the time.”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Books On Surveillance Tape

    | Allentown, PA, USA |

    Me: “**** Library, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I have some books that are due tomorrow, but I need to keep them longer.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’ll need your name so I can renew the books.”

    Caller: *scandalized* “You need my what?”

    Me: “Your name, ma’am. So I can call up your account on my computer.”

    Caller: “You have my account?! How did you get that? Do you have my Social Security number?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I mean your library account. When you came in to get your library card, you filled out a form with your name, address, phone number, and email, so that we can contact you if you ever have overdue books. We don’t have your social security number.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m not giving out my name to a complete stranger over the phone!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Perhaps you could give me the titles of the books?”

    Caller: “Why do you need to know what I’m reading?! The books are due tomorrow! Just renew them!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there’s no way I can look up books by the due date. Without your name or the titles of the books, I can’t help you.”

    Caller: “You’re trying to steal my identity! I’m calling the cops.”

    Me: *giving up* “You do that, ma’am.” *hangs up*

    Co-worker: “You should have told her we put cameras in the books.”

    Chez Cinema

    | Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada |

    (Note: we’re in a movie theater.)

    Customer: “So, you guys got, like, showers here and everything?”

    Me: “No, we don’t.”

    Customer: *looking revolted* “Gross! So you guys just don’t wash?”

    Me: “Well, not here, but when we’re at home, yes.”

    Customer: “So you guys don’t have, like, rooms here or nothin’?”

    Me: “No, sir, we don’t live at the movie theater.”

    Customer: “THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD! *stomps off*

    Me: “…”

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