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    Time Waits For No Ham

    | Pittsburgh, PA,USA | Food & Drink

    (I work at a gas station that offers made-to-order sandwiches. A customer uses a computer to place their order and gets an order number that is called once their sandwich is made).

    Customer: “I’m here for my ham sandwich.”

    Me: “Okay. What is your order number?”

    Customer: “Here, it’s 433. I know I’m a few minutes late.”

    Me: “Sir, that order was ready three hours ago. We threw it away when it sat for half an hour.”

    Customer: “But it’s only 4:40. It has only been 7 minutes.”

    Me: “That is your order number, not the time you are suppose to pick up your order.”

    Customer: “Oh, I was wondering why the time didn’t have the dots between the hour and minutes!”

    Driving All Night Will Burn Rubber

    | New Brunswick, Canada | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (A couple in a car comes through the drive through.)

    Me: “Hello, [Store Name], may I take your order?”

    Customer: “Do you know of anywhere around here that is open at this time of night, and sells condoms?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, everything is closed.”

    Customer: “Alright, thanks.”

    (The customer drives away, and comes back 15 minutes later.)

    Me: “Hello, [Store Name], may I take your order?”

    Customer: “Hi, could I have a blueberry muffin wrapped in lots and lots of plastic wrap?”

    Stupid Customers Come With A Sign

    | Staten Island, NY, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I notice a customer standing in our fish department examining the turtle tank.)

    Me: “Hello. Do you need help sir?”

    Customer: “Oh, I was just looking at your turtles. I have some at home and I’ve been wanting to put goldfish in with them. Can I do that?”

    Me: “You can, but turtles will usually eat goldfish.”

    (He looks genuinely upset at this fact.)

    Customer: “Oh. Well can’t I just put a sign in the tank that says ‘Don’t Eat The Goldfish’ so the turtles will know?”

    Me: “Sir, turtles can’t read.”

    Customer: “They can’t?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Hmm. Well, that’s upsetting.”

    Spewing Obnoxious Gases

    | Sandy, UT, USA | At The Checkout, Math & Science

    (I’m putting an item in a customer’s plastic bag after ringing them out.)

    Customer #1: “Uhm… could you maybe use that bag for somebody who wants to kill the environment?”

    Me: “Yeah, I think I can.”

    (I turn to the next customer in line.)

    Me: “Do you want to kill the environment?”

    Customer #2: “Yes!”

    Me: “A bag it is.”

    It Would Explain Canada’s Lack Of Sun

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Canada, Technology, Tourists/Travel

    (I have just activated a new smart-phone for a customer. I am showing them how to set it up.)

    Me: “…and that is how you would send a text message. Do you have any other questions?”

    Customer: “The time is wrong on this phone.”

    Me: “That’s because you haven’t selected the correct time zone. Here, I will show you the time setup.”

    (I show the customer the list of time zones, and briefly leave her to answer another customer’s question.)

    Customer: *impatiently* “Excuse me! Excuse me! This phone you have given me is broken!”

    Me: “Broken? Why do you say that?”

    Customer: “There is no ‘Canadian’ time zone! It keeps trying to put it on ‘Eastern’!”

    Me: “Yes, that would be correct, it’s seven o’clock here.”

    Customer: *indignantly* “We don’t live in the east! This is Canada!”

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