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    There Can Be Only One Insane Customer

    | Oregon, USA | Top

    (A guy comes in looking a bit haggard.)

    Me: “Hi sir! Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “Let’s move to the back of the store.”

    (He takes my arm and we walk to one of the last shelves of the store.)

    Customer: “I need a book on immortality.”

    Me: “All right – we’ve got science fiction over here…”

    Customer: “No, I need to research immortality. I’m immortal. See this scar on my neck? A guy cut me a couple days ago and it’s almost healed. I’m immortal.”

    (I stare at the large cut on his neck that is laced together with stitches).

    Me: “Um, I’m not sure if we have any books like that.”

    Customer: “Well, can you buy me a sword from the store next door?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to do that.”

    Customer: “I promise I’ll pay you back. I’ll give you my ID so you can track me down later and everything. I need a sword.”

    Me: “Really, I could get fired for that.”

    (The customer looks up and then starts sniffing the air.)

    Customer: “They’re coming. I have to go!” *runs out of the store*

    Rip Van Winkle To The Extreme

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I have a rather simple question to ask you.”

    Me: “Sure thing. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to make someone sleep for a really long time, what would I use?”

    Me: “Um, just how long are you talking?”

    Customer: “Well, I was thinking somewhere around forever.”

    Me: “…”

    Precious Gems, Precious Few Brain Cells

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    Customer: “I’m hoping you have a particular red stone that I’m looking for…”

    Me: “Oh, garnet?”

    Customer: “No..”

    Me: “Ruby?”

    Customer: “NO! I want red! Those aren’t red!”

    Me: “Um…yes, they are.” *shows garnet ring*

    Customer: “Oh. Well, it’s a stone that sounds like it should be red.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I think it’s actually blue…”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “What blue stones do you have that sound red?”

    Me: “Um…topaz?”

    Customer: “No, it’s not that one…”

    Me: “Lapis?”

    Customer: “No…. Oh! Sapphire! It sounds like it should be red, you know?”

    Me: “…no, I’ve never thought that…”

    Customer: “Well, it should be!”

    Me: “…you know, there is a pink sapphire…”

    Customer: “Oh. Who would want that?”

    Me: “Not to worry, we don’t have any.”

    Customer: “Any sapphires?”

    Me: “No, any pink sapphires.”

    Customer: “Well, that name should belong to a red stone anyway. They should think about these things when they name them… who would I talk to about that?”

    Me: “…Adam?”

    Just Another April Fool

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (A customer notices the Egg Plants we have for sale. They are just eggs with soil and seeds in them; crack the top, water, etc.)

    Customer: “These are cool. In time for Easter, eh?”

    Me: “Oh yeah. People are liking them, so they’re selling well.”

    Customer: “That’s cool. I may have to come back and get a couple for my nieces. BTW, when is Easter?”

    Me: “Um, I believe it’s either April 5th or April 12th.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Is it on a weekend this year?”

    Me: “Um, sir… it’s always on a Sunday.”

    Customer: “… really?”

    Twice The Prongs, Half The Brains

    | New Jersey, USA |

    (My dad used to work part time at a tool and garden supply store; this happened around the holidays.)

    My dad: “Hello, sir, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need and extension cord, but I need one with prongs on both ends.”

    My dad: “We don’t sell them. It’s very dangerous to have copper exposed at both ends.”

    Customer: “Well, I need one. Can’t you make me one?”

    My dad: “No I can’t, sir. It would be extreamly dangerous and unethical for me to make that for you. What do you need this for? Maybe I can help you find something else.”

    Customer: “I NEED AN EXTENSION WITH PRONGS ON BOTH ENDS!”

    (My dad suddenly figures out why the guy needs a double pronged extension cord.)

    My dad: “Let me guess, you put the Christmas lights up backwards?”

    Customer: “Yeah…” *stomps off*

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