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    At Least Someone Is Receiving Maintenance…

    | North Carolina, USA |

    (I work at an asthma and allergy specialists office, and a mom called me 5 minutes to 5:00 pm on a Friday. We were getting ready to close for the weekend.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, my name is ****, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I need to bring my son in…”

    Me: “Ma’am, we close our office at 5:00pm, and we don’t work weekends. Would you like to talk to the nurse?”

    Caller: “No, he needs to see a doctor right now!”

    Me: “Well, we have our doctor on call – you’re more than welcome to call him. He can answer your questions and help with anything–”

    Caller: “Do you speak English?! I just told you that my son needs to be seen right now! He’s had this cough since Monday, and he hasn’t been breathing right since he got it!”

    Me: “Well, it seems that if he’s been that bad since Monday, you would have brought him in then to be seen, or even Tuesday, and not wait until the weekend to call…”

    Caller: “I was really busy this week! I had an appointment at the salon almost every day after work to get my hair done, my nails…. I just didn’t have time! I have time today because the stylist just called me; she had an emergency and had to re-schedule.”

    Me: “Ma’am, right now our office is closed. Please take your son to the emergency room, as it seems like he needs to be seen immediately to have that cough taken care of.”

    Caller: *very agitated* “If I take him to the ER, that’s a $100.00 copay! That would eat into my salon funds!”

    Me: “…”

    I Came, I Complained, I Became An Employee

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like a table for two, please.”

    Me:” For two? Alright, it should only be about a minute. We have some tables being cleaned right now.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (Thirty seconds later…)

    Customer: “Oh my God! what is taking so long?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, our busser is still cleaning the table. He should be done in a couple of minutes.”

    Customer: “Ugh! Well, this is just taking forever. Y’know, at my house, it wouldn’t take me this long to clean up my table!”

    Me: “Umm… want a job?”

    Customer: “What?! Oh…that was good.” *smiles*

    (After that, she calmly waited for the table to be cleaned.)

    Fourth Graders Going On Forty

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Rude & Risque

    (I work for a custom blinds store and a couple is having their whole house done. We’re going over everything and placing the order.)

    Me: “These windows will have an inside mount.”

    Husband: “A what?”

    Me: “Inside mount.”

    Husband: “Oh, hehe.”

    Me: “So, on this one that installer has recommended a reverse mount.”

    Husband: “Haha!”

    Wife: “Shhhh!”

    Husband: “How do you people keep a straight face?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

    Husband: “I had no idea that blinds were so sexual!”

    Me: “Oh, um…. I guess I never thought of it like that.”

    Wife, to husband: “You’re such a child!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Advice Is Cheap, Especially From Opposing Counsel

    | Germany | Top

    Me: “This is ***, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I’m calling about the court date tomorrow. Do I have to appear there?”

    Me: “Well… I see from the file that you are the defendant, while we represent the plaintiff. Did I get that right?”

    Caller: “Yes. Do I have to appear there?”

    Me: “You do realize that you are talking to your opponent’s lawyer?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, okay. You don’t really have to appear. If you don’t appear in court, you’ll lose the case, though, because you’re not represented by anybody else.”

    Caller: “So I don’t have to appear there?”

    Me: “No, not in the strict sense of the word ‘have to’. But you do realize that you are calling the opposite lawyer, don’t you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I do.”

    Me: “Very well. I take you won’t come, then?”

    Caller: “No, I won’t.”

    Me: “Okay, very well then. Thanks for the call.”

    Caller: “Goodbye, and thanks for the advice!”

    Wet Fools Rush In Where Girlfriends Fear To Tread

    | Rochester, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hello, .”

    Caller: “Excuse me, I just got a call today saying that I hadn’t returned a DVD.”

    Me: “Alright, what DVD is it?”

    Caller: *tells me the DVD’s name*

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’m looking it up in the computer and it says we don’t have it.”

    Caller: “Yes, it was returned. I gave it to my boyfriend to return and I watched him put it in your drop box!”

    Me: “Well, it’s not in the drop box right now, and the boxes were cleaned out. I’m not sure what’s–”

    (The caller cuts me off to start swearing at me. As she yells at me over the phone, a man walks in through the front door, sopping wet.)

    Man: “Uh, hey… my girlfriend gave this to me to return yesterday and I forgot about it until just now.”

    (I go back to the phone.)

    Me, to caller: “Ma’am, there’s someone here I think you should speak to…”

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