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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Love The Art, Hate His Parts

    | Orem, UT, USA | Top

    (A young woman walks up to the registers with a book.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this notebook.”

    Me: “Is there something wrong with it?”

    Customer: “Yes, there’s a naked man on the front cover.”

    Me: “Uh, that’s Leonardo Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man.”

    Customer: “He’s naked.”

    Me: “It’s a five hundred-year-old drawing.”

    Customer: *hissing* “HE’S NAKED.”

    Me: “…would you like store credit?”

    Solar Spaciness

    | Sydney, Australia |

    (A customer is looking at light-powered watches.)

    Me: “It needs to be charged with 8 hours of direct sunlight or lamp light before it will keep time.”

    Customer: “Does it have to be Australian sunlight, or can I take it to England and use it there?”

    Desperate For Dessert

    | Quebec, Canada |

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell pie here?”

    Me: “Um, no this is [department store]. We sell clothes.”

    Customer: “I don’t want clothes. I want pie.”

    Me: “You can go across the street to the supermarket.”

    Customer: “But I hear that your pie is the best in town.”

    Me: “You’ve obviously heard wrong; we don’t sell pie here.”

    Customer: “Don’t you lie to me! I know there’s pie! Where is it?!”

    Me: “Sir, there is no pie…”

    Customer: “F*** you, are you profiling me? Just because I’m African-American you won’t sell me pie? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

    Me: *giving up* “…OK sir, fine, you’re right. Go downstairs, go out the door and walk across the street. That’s where we sell the pie.”

    Customer: “It’s about time…”

    Hard Core Ambitions, Soft Core Realities

    | Helskini, Finland |

    Customer: “Hey, I want this tattoo on my arm.” *holds out a piece of paper*

    Me: “Okay, let me see…” *looks at the paper* “…are you sure this is right?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m sure. It’s hard core. You know, HC!”

    Me: “Yeah, but I’m not sure if this is right.”

    Customer: “Yeah, it’s right. You’re old, so you won’t get it!”

    Me: “Okay, so let me get this straight: you want this exact tattoo on your arm?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “You want your tattoo to say this?” *shows him his paper*

    Customer: “Yes!”

    (I ask him several more times to be sure, but he insists it’s right so I give him his tattoo: “HAR CORE” with the “D” conspicuously absent. After several days of showing how “hard core” he is to his friends, they convince him to come back and get it fixed; it now says “HC”.)

    It’s One Big Greasy Conspiracy

    | Santa Fe, NM, USA |

    Customer: “Ugh! Everything you make here has canola oil in it. Don’t you know that’s not even food? It’s made from rapeseed, which isn’t even edible!”

    Me: “While it’s true you can’t actually eat the plant, canola oil itself is–”

    Customer: “It’s all genetically modified. You can’t get canola oil that isn’t genetically modified.”

    Me: “Actually, the canola oil we use comes from a company called Spectrum that–”

    Customer: “Spectrum!? That’s an Illuminati company!”

    Me: “Let me get my manager for you…”

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