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    One Track Rind

    | Ottawa, Canada |

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like 20 slices.”

    Me: “Would you like that thinly or regularly sliced, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, 20 slices.”

    Me: “Okay, and how would you like your 20 slices sliced, ma’am?”

    Customer: “20 slices.”

    Me: “Ma’am, would you like those slices THIN or REGULAR?”

    Customer: “Yes, 20 slices.”

    Me: “Alright, regular it is.”

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    Me Customer, Me Hungry

    , | Sacramento, CA, USA |

    (A new delivery driver mistakenly delivered the wrong pizza. This is the phone call I got about it, as the manager on duty.)

    Customer: “Hi, I ordered a pizza from you guys a while ago, and they delivered the wrong one.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry! What was your order?”

    Customer: “Mushrooms and green onions… the one we got had sausage. We can’t eat sausage! We’re vegetarians!”

    Me: “Okay, do you still have the pizza? We can come by and switch them for you.”

    Customer: “No, we ate it.”

    Me: “You ate it?”

    Customer: “Yes! Now, I’d like to get my money back. It was the wrong pizza.”

    Me: “So… you want me to give you your money back… for a pizza you already ate.”

    Customer: “Well we didn’t LOOK at it, we just ate it.”

    (Eventually we settled the deal by giving the customer some in-store credit. Who doesn’t look at a pizza before they start shoveling it into their mouths?)

    I Can So See This On Broadway

    , | Willow Grove, PA, USA |

    (I’m hurrying to the bathroom as an Asian couple starts flailing at me.)

    Me: “How can I he–”

    Customers: “FAXMACHEEEEE!”

    Me: “A fax machine?”

    Male Customer: “FAXMACHEEEEEE!”

    Me: “Okay… well, if you follow me over here, I’ll show you what we have.”

    (I lead the customer over to the single fax machine that we carried at that point.)

    Female Customer: *staring at me confused* “FAXMACHEEE?!”

    Me: “Yes, that’s a fax machi–”

    Male Customer: “FAXMACHEEE?!”

    Me: “Are you trying to ask if we carry any other fax machines?”

    Male Customer: *stares blankly at me for a few moments*

    Female Customer: *nods frantically* “FAXMACHEEEE!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but this is the only one we carry currently.”

    Male Customer: “… faxmachee?” *hangs head and walks away with female customer*

    Insert Sex Euphemism Here

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Top

    (I get a lot of funny calls, and most of the time, I can stay calm and professional through the call. This is the only one I’ve had where I needed to hit the ‘mute’ button. Thankfully, he was talking about the website–I eventually needed to dispatch a tech.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling Internet Tech Support, Emily speaking.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was looking at this porn site, and now I can’t get it up anymore.”

    Me: “…”

    A Leaf Blower And An Acetylene Torch Should Do The Trick

    , | Denver, CO, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, do you sell hair dryers?”

    Me: “Um, this is a hardware store.”

    Customer: “Yes, yes, I know that. Do you sell them?”

    Me: “No, we sell hardware here. But I’m sure the Target up the road sells hair dryers.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ll just look around a bit.”

    (About ten minutes later…)

    Customer: “You could have TOLD me you only sold tools and nails here, BEFORE I wasted my time. Now I’ll have to go to Target!”


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