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    The Good Excuses Have All Dried Up

    | Beaumont, TX, USA |

    (This phone call happened a month after hurricane Ike came through, and one of our clients missed his court date.)

    Me: “Sir, why did you miss your court date?”

    Client: “I’m not going back to jail! I missed court because I’m not back from the evaporation yet.”

    Me: “Uh…what?”

    Client: “I had to evaporate up north.”

    Me: “…really? Evaporate? How did you do that? Was it painful?”

    Client: “No! We rode a bus! What don’t you understand about having to evaporate?! I’m not going back to jail!”

    Me: *sigh*

    Nature: Not OSHA Compliant

    | New Jersey, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me…how deep is the water?”

    Me: “Um…you mean the ocean?”

    Customer: “Yes. How deep is it?”

    Me: “I’m not quite sure what you mean.”

    Customer: “HOW DEEP IS THE WATER?!”

    Me: “It’s the ocean, ma’am.”

    Customer: “OK, well, how deep is the deepest part?”

    Me: “Very, very deep.”

    Customer: “Can I touch the bottom?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “That’s not safe.”

    Me: “It’s much shallower near the shore. It gets deeper the farther out you go.”

    Customer: “That is definitely not safe. You should fix that.”

    Me: “I’ll tell my boss.”

    Customer: “Thanks.” *walks away*

    It’s The Thought Of The Thought That Counts

    | London, UK |

    (A customer was buying some fancy wrapping paper. They placed it on the counter to buy and this exchange occurred.)

    Customer: “Can you be really careful folding this up?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    Customer: “Actually, can you roll it up? And wrap a bit of tissue paper around it?”

    Me: “OK…”

    Customer: “And can you wrap another piece of gift wrap around it?”

    Me: “Er…OK.” *pause* “So you want me to gift wrap your gift wrap?”

    Customer: “Precisely!”

    Me: “…”

    Unholier Than Thou

    | Stockton, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for your purchase, Mr. [customer's name]!”

    (Out of nowhere, the guy literally goes insane and starts to jump over the counter, screaming…)

    Customer: “How dare you take my name in vain!”

    (Luckily, my manager is a bouncer for his second job and walks over.)

    My manager: “What’s going on?”

    Customer: “Nothing…” *back to normal, leaves quietly*

    (Gassy) Rumblings Of Discontent

    | Gonzales, LA, USA |

    (I run an overnight shift at the store. It’s New Year’s Eve and we’ve got cars around the store when we receive a phone call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah… I just came through your drive-thru an hour ago and bought some potato wedges.”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “Well, I got home and ate them, and now I’ve been sitting on the toilet for the past half hour because of your food.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer: “So I wanna know who’s responsible for this?”

    Me: “Honestly, sir we cannot take responsibility for your stomach problems.”

    Customer: “Well, someone’s buying me a new pack of toilet paper because I’m out, and I’ll be d***ed if it’s me.”

    Me: “Sir, we cannot pay for any household products…”

    Customer: “Then why’d you sell me the wedges?!”

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