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    Turn The Tables

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Money

    (We have a coupon for a free entrée. A new waitress comes up and asks me a question.)

    Co-Worker: “How do I handle two coupons?”

    Me: “What?”

    Co-Worker: “My table of three by the window. They got the entrées and waters. They want to use two coupons.”

    Me: “They can’t use two coupons. It says ‘one per group’. Tell her to save it for next week.”

    Co-Worker: “She says they are two groups. So they want to use two coupons.”

    Me: “They can’t use two coupons because it’s only one check.”

    (She leaves, but comes back a few minutes later.)

    Co-Worker: “She says she wants separate checks.”

    Me: “Tell her she can’t have separate checks just because she wants to use two coupons.”

    (She leaves, but comes back a few minutes later.)

    Co-Worker: “They want to talk to a manager.”

    (A third co-worker and I argue over what to do, as the manager isn’t here tonight. Reluctantly, I go out to the table, posing as the manager. I tell them the same thing that the waitress told them.)

    Me: “Ma’am our policy is that coupons can only be used one per group. You are all obviously one group, as you are sitting at the same table.”

    (Irately, the woman grabs the table; which happens to be two separate tables placed together, and moves them about six inches apart.)

    Customer: “There. Now we are two separate tables.”

    Me: *trying to remain courteous* “I’ll see what I can do.”

    (I go back, separate the checks, apply the discounts, and take both checks to the table.)

    Me: “I can take that when you are ready.”

    (She fishes in her purse, and hands me her credit card.)

    Customer: “Use my card to pay for both!”

    When You Don’t Want A Quick Service

    | United Kingdom | Spouses & Partners

    Customer: “I’d like to take my wife’s name off the account. She’s leaving me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to here that. It looks like your wife has already called us to do that. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Oh no, it’s just all so quick. She only told me on Wednesday night and now she’s gone.”

    (I check the account history and see she called us early on Tuesday. I thought it best not to tell the customer.)

    What’s Red Or Blue And Dumb All Over

    | Alaska, USA | Tourists/Travel

    (I work for a cruise line. We ported in a small town where we were too big for the local harbor, so we had to tender the passengers ashore in smaller boats. The passengers are lining up to be issued a tender ticket so they could go ashore. The tickets just happen to be red or blue, but the colors don’t mean anything.)

    Passenger: “What’s the difference between the red tickets and the blue tickets?”

    Me: *joking* “Well the red tickets operate as a life preserver in case of an emergency, the blue tickets will turn to stone and take you straight to the bottom. You’ll have to decide among yourselves who gets what.”

    (The entire line behind the passenger bursts into hysterical laughter, I’m having difficulty holding a straight face, but the original passenger is staring at me completely horror-stricken.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m joking…there’s no difference.”

    Passenger: “Are… are you sure?!”

    How Not To Courier Favor In The Marriage

    | Flint, MI, USA | Spouses & Partners

    (A customer calls about a delivery.)

    Me: “Ma’am we can’t guarantee your delivery by any certain time. If you look at the order you’ll see it says estimated delivery date.”

    Caller: “I don’t care what it says. All I know is that it says today’s date between 8 am and 5 pm.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that was just the estimated date. Your order will be to your house on Monday.”

    Caller: “Are you stupid? It has today’s date on it.”

    Me: “Is there anyone else in your home that I can speak to about this?”

    Caller: “My husband, hang on.”

    (She puts husband on the phone.)

    Me: “Sir, could you please explain to your wife that the delivery is not guaranteed today? The date on the order is an estimate and it will be there on Monday.”

    Caller’s Husband: *yelling at wife* “God d*** can’t you f***ing read! It says estimated date right there. It will be here Monday! Tell the guy you’re sorry for being a dumba**.”

    (He puts wife back on the phone.)

    Caller: “I’m sorry I didn’t see that. Have a nice night.” *click*

    A Good Icebreaker

    | Lincoln, NE, USA |

    Customer: “Hello, I’d like a hot blended mocha, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I can’t make you a hot blended mocha, I’d be happy to make you an ice blended mocha, or a hot or iced mocha, but I can’t make a hot blended mocha.”

    Customer: “What? Why can’t I get a hot blended mocha? It’s what I want!”

    Me: “Well, a blended drink is blended with ice, so I can’t really make it hot once it’s blended with ice.”

    Customer: “Well why not? Why can’t you just blend the drink and then heat it up for me?”

    Me: “I guess I could do that ma’am, but then it wouldn’t really be a blended drink anymore. And it probably wouldn’t taste very good, to be perfectly honest.”

    Customer: “I just want a hot blended mocha. I don’t understand why this is so difficult!”

    Me: *giving up* “Okay, ma’am, you got it.”

    Customer: “Finally! Thank you!”

    (I proceed to make her a regular mocha.)

    Me: “Here’s your hot blended mocha ma’am.”

    Customer: “Mmm! Perfect! Now just remember this for next time!”

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