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    Even Paranoid Racist Nutjobs Have Bad Days

    | Lake Mary, FL, USA | Top

    (Note: The cell phone provider I worked for does not have call centers outside of North America.They have some in Canada, but that is irrelevant to the following transaction.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling C*** Wireless. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want a credit to my account.”

    Me: “Well, I can certainly see what I can do for you sir. What seems to be the issue?”

    Customer: “Where am I calling currently?”

    Me: “Customer service, sir…?”

    Customer: “Where are you located?”

    Me: “Lake Mary, Florida.”

    Customer: “I want a credit because the last person I spoke to from your company was in India.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have call centers in India. All our call centers are in North America.”

    Customer: “Well, the person I just spoke with had a very heavy middle eastern accent and told me his name was Sam. Now I know he was lying to me, so I want a credit applied to my bill!”

    Me: “Sir, this is the United States of America. There are many people in this nation with varying accents. I cannot credit you for speaking to an American with an accent.”

    Customer: “I want to talk to your supervisor!”

    Me: “Sir, I would be more than happy to allow you to speak with my supervisor. His name is Muhammed Alam… we call him ‘Moe’ for short. ”

    Customer: *click*

    Why Don’t You And I Make It A Baker’s Dozen

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, **** Bakery, **** speaking. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hey, you sound tired.”

    Me: “Um… yes? How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Rough night last night? I heard you were busy.”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “Partying worn you out, huh? Well hopefully you aren’t too worn out when you come home, if you know what I mean.”

    Me: “Sir, this is **** Bakery. I believe you’ve dialed the wrong number.”

    Customer: “Well, s**t.”

    Me: “… yes.”

    Customer: “Do YOU want to come over later?”

    Me: “No.” *click*

    Some Questions Should Never Be Asked

    , | Chico, CA, USA |

    Me: “Costume Design & Rental, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, do you guys have any costumes?”

    Me: “Yes, we have a 5,000 square foot warehouse.”

    Caller: “And do you rent them?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Caller: “How much is it?”

    Me: “It depends on what kind of costume are you looking for.”

    Caller: “I don’t know… can’t you just tell me how much it is?”

    Me: “Not without knowing what you want, no.”

    Caller: “Fine, whatever.” *click*

    (10 minutes later, they call back.)

    Me: “Costume Design & Rental, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Do you have any giant penis costumes?”

    Me: “… uh, no. I don’t think we do.”

    Caller: “Darn.” *click*

    They Should Also Slice, Dice And Julienne Fries

    , | Davis, CA, USA | Top

    Customer: “I am looking for some heels, in white. They also have to be dressy, like for a wedding…”

    Me: “No problem… we have some over here.”

    Customer: “But I need to be able to hike in them because it’s outdoors.”

    Me: “Uhh, maybe if we looked over here…”

    Customer: “It also has be open, kind of like a sandal.”

    Me: “We have some nice hiking sandals…”

    Customer: “But it has to be waterproof because it rains a lot where we are and I need something to keep the water out.”

    Me: “This might be difficult.”

    Customer: “Oh! And it has to be super comfortable, with excellent arch support.”

    Me: “We’re kind of limited here…”

    Customer: “And no backstraps, because I have plantar fasciitis and backstraps will just hurt all day.”

    Me: “So you are looking for a white pair of waterproof hiking sandals with no backstrap, but with heels and excellent arch support?”

    Customer: “You forgot comfortable.”

    Me: “I am sorry, could you repeat that?”

    Customer: “I said I needed them to be super comfortable.”

    Me: “And you’re serious? Have you ever seen shoes like this anywhere else?”

    Customer: “Well, I would think that’s your job.”

    Me: “I thought so too, but then again I am not a magician.”

    Customer: “That is very offensive! I demand to speak to your manager!”

    (Naturally, the manager was called, who promptly proceeded to laugh her out of the store.)

    Impersonating Your Boss: FAIL

    | Sydney, Australia |

    Woman: “I am speaking on behalf of my boss. He wants a tax statement… what do I need to do?”

    Me: “You need to put your boss on the phone so I can talk to him about this.”

    Woman: “No. ”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Woman: “He has given me verbal consent to speak on his behalf.”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately I wont be able to do that. I will need to speak to your boss directly.”

    Woman: “Why?”

    Me: “Because I need to do a security check with him to protect his privacy.”

    Woman: “What privacy?”

    Me: “… his personal information.”

    Woman: “He refuses to deal with you himself.”

    Me: “Unfortunately he will HAVE to deal with us himself for us to organise this statement for him. Verbal consent is not valid as we hold very private information about our clients.”

    Woman: *deepens voice, obviously attempting to sound like a man* “Okay then, my name is [boss' name], I was born on [birthdate] and this is my card.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. I know that you are not your boss. We do need to speak to Mr. **** himself. Is there anything else i can help with?”

    Woman: “F**K YOU!”


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