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    Loathe Of Bread

    | Sydney, Australia | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I work at a bakery that cuts bread with a machine.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, would you like me to cut your bread for you?”

    Customer: “How?”

    Me: “This machine here will cut it.”

    Customer: “You use a machine rather then cutting it by hand?!”

    Me: “Yes sir, it is quicker and gets the job done well.”

    Customer: *at this point he is getting furious* “This is outrageous! You use a machine to do a mans job! You are putting people out of their jobs! You are ruining the natural process of man and the cutting of bread.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I didn’t realize. Would you like me to cut your bread by hand?”

    Customer: “No, use the machine! I’m in a big rush to get to my sister’s place. It’s her birthday, you know.”

    Policemen Never Take Sabbath-icals

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Religion

    (I pull a man over who is speeding and weaving between cars on the highway.)

    Driver: “Are you off duty? You can’t do traffic stops if you are off duty.”

    Me: “No, sir. See my uniform and marked vehicle?” *I point to my car with full lights on top and police written all over it*

    Driver: “They make you work on Sunday?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. We are 24/7.”

    Driver: “But who would commit a crime on a Sunday? That is blasphemy. They’ll go to hell!”

    General Knowledge Generally Gets You In Trouble

    | Seattle, WA | Books & Reading

    Customer: “Hello, do you work here?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry I don’t.”

    Customer: “Then why do you have so many books in your hands?”

    Me: “I am about to purchase them.”

    Customer: “You read?”

    Me: “Yes”

    Customer: “Then you must work here.”

    Me: “I’m sorry but I don’t.”

    Customer: *picking up one of the books in my arms* “J.D. Salinger? Who’s that?”

    Me: “An author. He wrote Catcher in the Rye.”

    Customer: “See! You do work here! You know what books he wrote!”

    Stereo-Griping

    | Auckland, New Zealand | Bizarre, Top

    (While stocking items on the shelf I notice a guy sitting by the changing rooms with the bored, “being forced to go shopping with the missus” look on his face.)

    Me: “Girlfriend making you comment on everything in the store?”

    Guy: “Me? No. I’m gay. My friend only just found out and figured we could go shopping together despite my protests.”

    Me: “Sorry bout the mistake, you just had the usual ‘get me out of here’ look.”

    (At this point the girl comes out of the changing room to show off her outfit.)

    Girl: “What do you think?”

    Guy: “I don’t know. It’s good, I guess.”

    Girl: *in a huff* “You’re no good at this! What’s the point in being gay if you don’t like shopping for clothes?!”

    (She storms back into the changing room.)

    Guy: “Jeez, this is worse than having to come out to my parents.”

    At Least His Answer Is In The Right Aria

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Musical Mayhem

    (I am giving a tour of the opera house to a group of 5th graders. We are backstage and we pass a large service elevator, generally used to transport grand pianos, costume racks, etc.)

    Me: “So, guys, who can think of a reason why the opera needs such a big elevator?”

    *silence*

    Kid in the back: “Because there are REALLY BIG PEOPLE in operas!”

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