The Worst Job You Never Had

| Australia | Top

(I’m a customer at a supermarket, but I’m still wearing my work uniform since I’m buying things for my job. My clothing doesn’t look anything like the uniform that the supermarket employees wear. Another customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Love, can you show me where the ice is?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am. I’m not sure where the ice is. It’s probably down at the freezer section.”

Customer: “Can you take me down there?”

Me: “Sorry, I have to buy this and get back to work. The freezer section is just over there. ”

Customer: “Well, you’re not being very helpful. I’m going to tell your boss about this.”

(She runs off to find a manager. It takes me awhile to realise that she thinks I work here.)

Customer: “There she is! The rude one!”

(The manager looks at me and immediately realizes what has happened.)

Customer: “You should fire her for being so rude to me!”

(The manager shakes his head and beckons me over.)

Manager, to me: *whispers* “Just go with it.”

(I nod and he begins to ‘fire’ me in front of the customer, who looks satisfied. Eventually, someone who does work there gets her her ice and she leaves.)

Manager, to me: “Sorry about that. She does this every time she comes in.”

Impractical Jokes

, | Muskegon, MI, USA | Top

Me: “911, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes?! Hello! I live at [location]. My husband was stabbed by a madman! Oh, god! He’s outside my bedroom door! He’s knocking on it!”

Me: “Alright, ma’am, a police–”

Caller: “What?!”

(Suddenly, there is a lot of talking and a bit of laughing.)

Caller, to someone else: “You ****! You scared the **** out of me! A prank?! I called the **** police! I could have gone to jail!”

Caller, to me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. It’s a false alarm.”

Me: “Um, alright.”

Caller: “Actually, send over a cop car. I’m about to murder two men.”

Where There’s Smoke

| Wales, UK | Uncategorized

(I work at a fire alarm service company. I take a call from an exclusive boarding school.)

Caller: “Your stupid fire system is going off again! It’s always doing this. We’re having an open day for parents, and this is going to ruin our reputation!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. Have you checked that there isn’t a fire?”

Caller: “It’s always false alarms. Just tell me how to turn it off.”

(I explain how to stop the alarm from sounding. However, it will only work if the detectors are no longer detecting a fire.)

Caller: “It hasn’t worked. It’s still saying that there is a fire in the dormitory!”

Me: “Have you checked the dormitory for fire?”

Caller: “Stay on the line. I’ll check.”

(The line goes silent for ten minutes, but I can hear background noise.)

Caller: “The dormitory is on fire.” *click*

The Hazards Of Playing In Water

, | Florida, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, sir. Welcome to [golf equipment store], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Where can I find the swimming pool equipment?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We only manage golf equipment.”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, but where’s the stuff for the pool? I mean, like filters and those tube-y things that float.”

Me: “Sir, we only sell golf equipment. Golf clubs, golf balls, and the like. We do not sell swimming pool equipment–only golf.”

Customer: “What kind of golf store doesn’t have swimming pool stuff?!”

It Must Have Been A New Moon

| Melbourne, Australia | Uncategorized

(This particular customer is a semi-regular who tends to loiter around the new age and paranormal sections. She has knee-length flowing blonde hair and is fond of hippyish clothing. Tonight, I notice her staring at me from a distance for a few minutes with a subtle, knowing smile.)

Me: “Hello, how are you today? Would you like any help?”

Customer: “Good, quite good. I don’t need any help, but can I just talk to you for a minute?”

Me: “Sure. What would you like to talk about?”

Customer: “You. I just have some questions about you. You work here quite a lot, don’t you? At night. I see you every night I come in.”

Me: “Yes, I do tend to work here Thursday and Friday nights.”

Customer: “I notice cause you’re so pretty. Such long dark hair and pale skin.”

Me: “Umm, thanks.”

Customer: “What’s your name?”

Me: “It’s [my name].”

Customer: “That’s a lovely name. A very old fashioned name. You don’t really hear it anymore.”

(By this point, I’m getting confused as I didn’t think my name was that uncommon. I’m not sure what point she’s trying to make.)

Customer: “What else do you do, other than working here?”

Me: “I’m in my fourth year of uni. My major is Science, but I do some electives in Literature and History.”

Customer: *smiles* “Ahhh. So you’re quite educated, as well.”

Me: “I guess you could say that.”

Customer: “Well, I had better not waste any more of your time. But I just want to tell you that I understand now, and I won’t tell anyone.”

Me: “Ah, ok. About what?”

Customer: “Your secret. That you are one of them. A vampire.”

(The customer leaves while I just stand there confused.)

Coworker: “What’s up?”

Me: “I ****ing hate Twilight…”

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