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    Random Acts of Specificity

    , | Fort Collins, CO, USA |

    Me: “What else do you want?”

    Customer: “Peppers.”

    Me: “Which kind?”

    Customer: “… Peppers.”

    Me: “We have three kinds of peppers not including salt and pepper. Which kind of these do you want?”

    Customer: “PEPPERS.”

    Me: “Do you want banana peppers, jalapeno peppers, or green peppers?”

    Customer: “PEP-PERS.”

    Me: “Do you want these?” *holds up the green peppers*

    Customer: “Yes, those! Jesus Christ, don’t you guys know what a green pepper is?!”

    Bacon, Lettuce and Taxes

    | Springfield, IL, USA |

    Me: *after completing an order* “Thank you; your total is $8.28.”

    Customer: “$8.28? How is that? The #2 meal is $6.99, and it’s only 69 cents to make it a large! That’s not $8.28.”

    Me: “Umm…there’s a 60 cent tax.”

    Customer: “I didn’t order no tax!”

    Me: “No, there’s a tax on the food.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want tax on my sandwich!”

    Me: “Sales tax?”

    Customer: “Oh. OH! Sorry.”

    Associate: *to me* “For the love of God, was she serious?!”

    Education Is No Guarantee

    | New York, USA |

    Customer: “A packet of cigarettes and some gum, please.”

    Me: “I’ll need an ID for the cigarettes, sir.”

    Customer: “What? Why?!”

    Me: “If you look under 30 we need an ID.”

    Customer: “But…why?”

    Me: “It’s against the law to sell cigarettes to underaged persons. If there’s any risk of it, I need to check IDs or any other proof of identity, such as a driver’s license, passport, etc.”

    Customer: “But, like, WHY?!”

    Me: “It’s against the law. I could be fired or fined, and you’d get a penalty as well.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but WHY?!”

    Me: “It’s illegal, sir.”

    Customer: “WHY?!”

    Me: “Because…smoking is dangerous.”

    Customer: “What?! Why?”

    Me: “It has a lot of poisonous chemicals and known carcinogens in it.”

    Customer: “Your cigarettes have carcinogens in them? Eww, I’m not buying these.”

    Me: “Sir, the packet clearly reads “SMOKING KILLS”. Wasn’t that a hint?”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you’d sell CARCINOGENS. That’s just…ugh. Just give me some gum!”

    Me: “Um… okay, sir, which flavor and brand?”

    Customer: “Any flavor, any brand… umm, do you have that nicotine gum stuff?”

    Do Not Doubt The Credibility Of The Map

    | Alaska, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Travel, this is ****, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Um, yes. You’re located in Alaska, right?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “Is that near Hawaii?”

    Me: “No, sir. Not at all.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I wanna talk to a manager. This map shows y’all are right next to each other, and I wanna know why one’s so dang hot and the other’s so dang cold.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re actually reading the insets on a map of the continental United States. Alaska and Hawaii are several thousand miles apart.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe you.”

    Me: “I’m sorry.”

    Salvation Vs. Business Savvy

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a metal business card case.”

    Me: “Well, we really only carry leather here – would you like me to show them to you?”

    Customer: “No, it needs to be metal. Where can I get one?”

    Me: “Well, I know of a place in the mall, but they market them as cigarette cases. If you just ask the man at the counter for one, he can–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “I ain’t buying no cigarette case, I ain’t no smoker.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you they’re not used or anything, it’s just that the original concept came from cigarette cases, and people adapted them into wallets.”

    Customer: “Well, I ain’t buyin no cigarette case, so you best tell me where I can get a business card case.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s the only place I know of. They’re the exact same product: a metal case with two prongs on the inside for–”

    Customer: “I ain’t no heathen woman, and I ain’t gonna carry around no wicked cigarette box while I’m at church! Do you expect me to?!”

    Me: “No ma’am, I just don’t think you’ll find one at that store if you’re asking for a business card case.”

    Customer: “No, you WON’T!” *storms out*

    Me: “…what?”

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