In Urgent Need Of A Monolith

| TX, USA | Uncategorized

(A patron has called about extending her borrowing time on a DVD. She is renting “2001: A Space Odyssey”.)

Caller: “I’d really like to get this for a little longer. I live far from the library, and won’t be able to get it back on time.”

Me: “Well, the staff member that handles the loans is not in today. I can take your name and phone number, and have her get back to you.”

Caller: “Oh, that would be just great. I really need to watch this movie because I’m going into space.”

Milking A Complaint For All It Weighs

| MA, USA | Top

(I’m checking out an older woman at the register.)

Customer: “Can you bag these light for me?”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(After several bags worth of items, she has no complaints. I then ring up a gallon of milk for her, and place it in its own bag.)

Customer: *angrily* “Did you not hear me earlier? I asked for these bags to be light. Do you want me to break my arm?”

Me: “Ma’am, there is only one item in that bag.”

Customer: “You’re trying to break my arm! Supervisor! I need a supervisor right now!”

Supervisor: “Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “He’s trying to kill me! I asked for light bags, and he made this one too heavy. He refuses to redo it!”

Supervisor: “Ma’am, there is only a gallon of milk in that bag. Would you like him to pour out half of the milk for you? That is the only way I see to make that bag lighter.”

Customer: “I’m calling your manager and getting both of you fired. You belong in h*** for trying to kill me!”

True Exits Are On The Way Out

| PEI, Canada | Uncategorized

(We are a very small store, and only have one entrance/exit door. A visitor from a larger city, is standing in the middle of the store, looking lost.)

Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Yes. Where is your exit?”

Me: “Our exit?”

Customer: “Yes, I came in that door, but I can’t find your exit.”

Me: “We only have one door.”

Customer: “One door? How strange!”

Her Thoughts Are In Utero

| NY, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Do you have any Japanese music?”

Me: “Yes, we have quite a large selection.”

Customer: “That’s great. My daughter wanted something by, um, ah…”

(I patiently wait.)

Customer: “Oh, I can’t remember the name.”

Me: “Don’t worry. Take your time. Maybe you could ask your daughter again?”

Customer: “No, I got it. Something like… uterus?”

Me: *pause* “Uterus?”

Customer: “Hang on. I think I’ll call my daughter.”

(The customer walks away, pulling out a cell. She comes back a minute later.)

Customer: “Okay, I got it now. It’s Utada. Hikaru Utada.”

A Yearning For Ears That Are Burning

| Burlington, WA, USA | Uncategorized

(A recent article regarding our business and the habits of its customers was published in the papers. My fellow employees are discussing some of points that were brought up in passing. They leave the area. A customer comes storming up to me.)

Customer: “Those workers were saying some very offensive things! I want to report them. Who do I talk to?”

Me: “Well, if you just–”

Customer: “They say I just come here to get free stuff! I don’t do that! I ‘actually’ buy stuff here! I want to report them!”

Me: “Well, if you’d like to report them, then you’ll need to go up front and speak with a manager. I’d like to point out though, that they were only talking about an article that was published.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, the news just released an article that talked about our store and some of the stuff people do. That’s what you heard them talking about.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought they were talking about me!”

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