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    If At First You Don’t Succeed…

    | Keystone, CO, USA |

    (A guest was locked out of their condo, but since they booked through a separate company, I couldn’t let him back in.)

    Customer: “So…there’s no way you have a master key that can let me in?”

    Me: “No. Our keys don’t work for other company’s units.”

    Customer: “But..I have a key. It just doesn’t work.”

    Me: “We can’t make new keys for units we don’t manage.”

    Customer: “So…if there’s a fire….”

    Me: “In that case, you’d want to get OUT of the building.”

    Customer: “Right….”

    We Only Have The Other Kind

    | Kansas, USA |

    Customer: “How much are your large-print Bibles?”

    Me: “Various prices – what version are you looking for?”

    Customer: “A Holy Bible.”

    It’s All In The Details

    | Noord-Brabant, Netherlands |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, I had a High Tea a few days ago at your place. Could I speak to your manager?”

    Me: “Yes, but perhaps I could help you as well?”

    Customer: “No, I would like to speak with your manager.”

    Me: “All right, one moment please.” *hands over the phone to the manager*

    Manager: “Hello, what could I help you with?”

    Customer: “I’m sorry, but I really have to complain about this: a few days ago we had this High Tea at your place, but the napkins weren’t good.”

    Manager: “What was wrong with the napkins?”

    Customer: “The napkins weren’t folded like in the photograph in the restaurant information folder we got.”

    Manager: Uh…I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “They weren’t folded like in the picture!”

    Manager: “Was there anything else that didn’t go well?”

    Customer: *pauses* “No, the rest of it was actually wonderful. The cakes and sandwiches were lovely, and the service was really good. There was nothing wrong with that.”

    Manager: “…”

    When In Doubt, Improvise

    | Darien Center, NY, USA | Top

    (Some days when there aren’t enough lifeguards, we have to close off the deep end of the wave pool – but, we aren’t allowed to tell guests that reason.)

    Customer: “What’s with the buoy line?”

    Me: “It’s there to keep you from entering the deep end.”

    Customer: “Well, duh! Why is it there?”

    Me: “Oh, the deep end is closed right now.”

    Customer: “That’s so f****** stupid! There’s no reason the deep end should be closed!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The water is…broken.”

    Customer: “Oh, sorry then. Have a nice day.”

    Clarity Is Key

    | Michigan, USA |

    Me: “Hi sir, how are you today? Is there something I can get for you?”

    Customer: “Fish.”

    Me: “Well, you sure came to the right place. What kind of fish would you like?”

    Customer: “Dead fish.”

    Me: “…”


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