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    Cross Examining Churches

    | Saint John, NB, Canada | Religion, Tourists/Travel

    (I don’t work in tourism though I must seem like a friendly person since I do get a lot of people stopping me to ask questions of where things are.)

    Tourist: “Are you familiar with the area? Do you live around here?”

    Me: “Yes I do, what can I help you with?”

    Tourist: “I’m looking for a cathedral in this area somewhere.”

    Me: “Okay, which one in particular? There’s about four around here.”

    Tourist: “I’m looking for a Catholic cathedral.”

    Me: “Okay, let me think…the Anglican church is that way, there’s one near by don’t know what it is, one over up the street a ways–”

    Tourist: “I don’t want no Anglican church! Bloody Anglican whores! I want Catholic!”

    Me: “I think it’s that one right over there.” *I point at the church*

    Tourist: “Yes, that’s a cathedral. It had better not be Anglican or I’ll hunt you down!”

    Finals At Hogwarts

    | Australia | School

    (One of my students was absent the day of a test and she has had just handed it in.)

    Me: “Okay, class. Now that [name] has done the test, I can give you them back.”

    (I hand out the test papers.)

    Student: “Where’s mine?”

    Me: “You just did yours today. I’ll have it back to you tomorrow.”

    Student: “But you just said!”

    Me: “How was I supposed to mark it in 5 minutes?”

    Student: *completely serious* “Doesn’t it just automatically mark itself?”

    Retired & Extremely Dangerous

    | Georgia, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    Me: “Thank you for call [Pharmacy], may I help you?”

    Elderly Female Customer: “I would like to get these two of my medications refilled and I want to pick them up tomorrow afternoon.”

    Me: “Okay ma’am, that will be fine. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

    Elderly Female Customer: “Honey, you can come to my house and do me anytime.”

    Me: “I, uh, oh, uh…”

    Elderly Female Customer: “I hope I didn’t offend you, but I’m old so I can say things like that!”

    Freudian (Pay) Slip

    | Latham, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids

    (I am ringing up a mother and her son.)

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, your total is $**.**.”

    Son: “Wow, that is so much money! You’re taking all my momma’s money!”

    Me: “Actually, your mother is paying for the items that she just purchased, and I’m not the one who gets the money anyways.”

    Son: “Do you think I’m dumb? You get all the money; why else would you be here?”

    Me: “The money that is paid here is made by the company. I’m here because the company pays me to check out customers.”

    Son: “That’s stupid. You should get to keep the money.”

    (As I’m about to respond, the mother chimes in.)

    Mother: “Just ignore him, he’s stupid.”

    The Pen Is Mightier Than The Brain

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Technology

    Me: “I’m about to give you your account number. Do you have a pen handy?”

    Caller: “What’s a pen-handy?”

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