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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    How To Lose Your Marbles In Style

    , | Florida, USA | Top

    (Our store used to have a completely gutted 1957 Chevy truck as a center piece. It was part of the store’s trademark. Walking down the store past the truck, I am stopped by an old man.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Old Man: “Young lady, how much are you selling this truck for?”

    Me: “Sorry sir, the truck isn’t for sale. It’s owned by [company].”

    Old Man: “I’ll give you 100 dollars for it.”

    Me: “Sir, the truck is not for sale. I apologize.”

    Old Man: “All right…I’ll give you two hundred!”

    Me: “Sir, the truck is not for sale. And even if it was, it would be for a LOT more than 200 dollars.”

    Old Man: “Yes, I suppose you’re right… SAY! SOMEONE STEALING, LOOK!” *points behind me*

    (As I turn to look behind me, the man climbs the crates next to the truck, opens the driver’s seat door and gets behind the wheel.)

    Old Man: “WHOOOOOOOOO-HAW! CAN’T CATCH ME NOW, CAN YOU!” *swings steering wheel around and starts to make gun noises* “PEW PEW! PEWW PEW!”

    (Mall Security ended up being called, after the old man was “trying” to run us over. I wish I was joking.)

    Lesson Of The Day: Food Poisoning = Bad

    , | Austin, TX, USA | Top

    (Note: the FDA recently recalled tomatoes because of a salmonella outbreak.)

    Me: “… and what veggies would you like on your sandwich?”

    Customer: “Lettuce, tomato and onion, that’s all. And some mayo.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we’re not selling tomatoes right now, but I’ll put the rest of that on for you.”

    Customer: “What? Why can’t I have tomatoes?”

    Me: “Because the FDA is worried that they may be contaminated with salmonella and until we’re sure that ours are safe, we’re not allowed to sell them.”

    Customer: “Your tomatoes are contaminated?! How can you sell tomatoes that are contaminated? That’s disgusting! I can’t believe you!”

    Me: “Ma’am we’re *NOT* selling them.”

    Customer: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

    Me: “Because the FDA says they might not be safe and we don’t want our customers to get sick.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. I want tomatoes.”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, but I suggest you leave off the mayonnaise, then.”

    Customer: “Umm… okay, why?”

    Me: “It tends to taste bad when mixed with salmonella.”

    Now That’s What I Call Love

    | Canada |

    Caller: “Yeah, I bought this tattoo kit from you guys the other day, and there’s stuff missing from it.”

    Me: “Stuff missing? Like what?”

    Caller: “Well, for starters, there’s no book with it… and I don’t know how to assemble it.”

    Me: “Book? What book? We don’t have books. We just sell tattoo inks, needles, machines… and assembly? Is there something not assembled in your kit?”

    Caller: “Yeah, it’s all in pieces… it’s a piece of crap!”

    Me: “Pieces? Did it get damaged during shipment to you?”

    Caller: “No, it’s just a bunch of pieces. There’s a power supply, foot pedal, a couple of tattoo machines… but I gotta put it together myself. That’s bulls***! I don’t know what I’m doing! You guys should have assembled everything for me before shipping.”

    Me: “You want us to assemble your tattoo shop for you? Wait a sec… did you say you don’t know what you’re doing?”

    Caller: “That’s right. I’ve never tattooed before. That’s why I thought there’d be a book with the kit.”

    Me: “You mean like, step one, put a picture on the skin, step 2 dip the needle in ink, step 3 tattoo the ink into the skin?”

    Caller: “Yeah, that’s it! Why didn’t you guys give me that kinda book when I bought the kit!?”

    Me: “So how are you expecting to learn to tattoo? Are you not doing a tattoo apprenticeship at a real tattoo shop, where they teach you to do this sort of thing?”

    Caller: “Nah… I just figured I’d start off tattooing my wife until I can figure it out…”

    From Zero To Heathen In 30 Seconds

    | Prince Edward Island, Canada |

    (On this day in the bulk food store I worked in, I was on the floor, scrubbing underneath a bin of nuts. At this point in my life, I had very long hair, and a goatee. An older lady walks by:)

    Older lady: “That’s a good Christian girl… cleaning, and saying her prayers at the same time!”

    *30 seconds later*

    Older lady: “OH! You’re not a girl!”

    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

    , | Huntsville, AL, USA |

    Woman on phone: “You guys need to take that at-fault accident off my record.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t do that. You’ll have to dispute that with the DMV.”

    Woman: “What’s that?”

    Me: “The Department of Motor Vehicles.”

    Woman: “Why can’t you take it off? You were the one put it on there.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t put anything on your record. The DMV did. What happened in that accident?”

    Woman: “I bumped into someone.”

    Me: “So you rear-ended someone? What were you doing?”

    Woman: “Drinking a beer.”

    Me: “Drinking a beer? While driving? Ma’am, if you rear-ended someone and had an open container of alcohol in your car it would be two violations, possibly three.”

    Woman: “See? There you go again, puttin’ stuff on my record.”

    Me: “Right.”


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