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    Very Low Key Driver

    | Norway, Europe | Extra Stupid

    Caller: “Hi, I need help to open my car. The beeper doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Okay, have you tried to see if the keys work?”

    Caller: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “The car keys. They’re attached to the beeper.”

    Caller: “Uh… how do I use them?”

    Me: “Just like you would unlock anything that’s closed.”

    Caller: “I don’t understand. I need to open the door to my car. How do I use keys to do that?”

    Me: “You uh… put the key in the keyhole, turn it around and open the door.”

    Caller: *pause* “Oh! Do you mean like the same way you
    open the door to a house?”

    Me: “Yes, it’s quite similar to that.”

    Caller: *very enthusiastic* “Wow, okay! I’ll try that! If that doesn’t work, I’ll call right back!”

    This Child Has Few Reservations

    | Asheville, NC, USA | Family & Kids

    Child: “Excuse me, but I have a question.”

    Me: “What is it?”

    Child: “Do you believe in Native Americans?”

    Me: *slight pause* “Yes. Yes, I do.”

    Child: “That’s good to know.”

    On Completely Different Wavelengths

    | Chesapeake, VA, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers

    (Note: the caller ID shows an out of town number.)

    Caller: “Uh, hi. My room radio doesn’t work anymore.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that. What room are you in?”

    Caller: “Oh, no, I’m at home! I took the radio home and now the buttons on top don’t work. It’s just fuzz! No music!”

    Me: “Wait. So you stole a radio, took it home, and now you’re calling because the pre-assigned buttons don’t work?”

    Caller: “Can you fix it or not?!”

    Loathe Of Bread

    | Sydney, Australia | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I work at a bakery that cuts bread with a machine.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, would you like me to cut your bread for you?”

    Customer: “How?”

    Me: “This machine here will cut it.”

    Customer: “You use a machine rather then cutting it by hand?!”

    Me: “Yes sir, it is quicker and gets the job done well.”

    Customer: *at this point he is getting furious* “This is outrageous! You use a machine to do a mans job! You are putting people out of their jobs! You are ruining the natural process of man and the cutting of bread.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I didn’t realize. Would you like me to cut your bread by hand?”

    Customer: “No, use the machine! I’m in a big rush to get to my sister’s place. It’s her birthday, you know.”

    Policemen Never Take Sabbath-icals

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Religion

    (I pull a man over who is speeding and weaving between cars on the highway.)

    Driver: “Are you off duty? You can’t do traffic stops if you are off duty.”

    Me: “No, sir. See my uniform and marked vehicle?” *I point to my car with full lights on top and police written all over it*

    Driver: “They make you work on Sunday?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. We are 24/7.”

    Driver: “But who would commit a crime on a Sunday? That is blasphemy. They’ll go to hell!”

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