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    Always Right, Even If It Requires Changing The Space-Time Continuum

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA |

    (A customer walks up to the box office, obviously very angry. She throws a newspaper down onto the counter.)

    Customer: “Sir, these show times are wrong.”

    Me: “Ma’am, those are yesterday’s show times.”

    Customer: *smugly* “Well, why are they in today’s paper?”

    Me: “That’s yesterday’s paper.”

    Customer: “Oh… well, they’re still wrong!”

    Me: “…”

    One Dangerously Pressurized Coffee, Coming Up

    | Eugene, OR, USA |

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Can I get a 16 oz. coffee in a 12 oz. cup?”

    Me: “No. We can’t do that here.”

    Customer: “What are you talking about? They do this for me every time I come here!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s no way we can put 16 oz. of coffee in a 12 oz. cup.”

    Customer: “Yes you can! You’ve always done it!”

    (The customer’s friend was standing next to her at the time.)

    Customer’s friend: “Um, I think you meant a 12 oz. coffee in a 16 oz. cup.”

    Customer: “… ooooh. Yeah, that’s what I meant!”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Yes, It’s For My Longmower

    , | Chesapeake, VA, USA |

    Me: “Lawn and Garden, this is Karen.”

    (The customer, a very nice lady, explains that she needs a part number for a belt on her riding lawn mower, but she can’t find the manual and doesn’t know the model number of the mower. I have her describe the mower for me so I can narrow it down.)

    Customer: “Well, it’s last year’s Cub Cadet model with the 48 inch dick.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I mean DECK!!”

    (It took me a good minute or two to stop laughing.)

    Related:
    Of All The Moments For Freud To Slip

    Okay, That Was A Little Mean

    | Washington, D.C., USA |

    (Our store was pretty dead on this night; no one came in for at least half an hour before closing, but like good employees we kept the doors unlocked until our registers read 8 o’clock on the dot. I lock the doors, and five minutes later, a woman walks up to the door.)

    Customer: *pulls on door, notices it’s locked, pulls harder*

    Me: “I’m sorry, we’re closed. But we’ll be open at nine tomorrow.”

    Customer: “What the h***?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we closed five minutes ago. I’m sorry, but our hours are posted.”

    Customer: “This is insane, it’s 7:59! You shouldn’t lock the doors so early.”

    Me: “Our registers show that it’s 8:07–” (I look at my watch and my cell phone) “–and I’ve got 8:08. I’m sorry, we open at nine tomorrow.”

    Customer: “I just need a few things! It won’t take long.”

    Me: “Our registers are closed, so there’s no money in them. You can come back tomorrow at nine. Even if it was 7:59, it takes more than one minute to shop and check out.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! I just need a few things.”

    Me: “Fine.”

    (I unlock the doors to let her in; my coworker finishes closing the registers. The woman runs around the store for ten minutes, grabbing several things that probably could have waited until morning, and plops them down on the register.)

    Coworker: *smiles* “Did you find everything you needed?”

    Customer: “Yes, thanks.”

    Coworker: “Unfortunately, our registers have been closed for 20 minutes and I can’t ring the sale after hours. Would you like me to hold it for you until tomorrow?”

    (The customer’s jaw drops. I go to hold the door open for her.)

    Me: “We open at nine.”

    (Coworker and I high-five.)

    Was It Something I Said

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    Me: “411 Information.”

    Customer: “Wait a minute…”

    *papers rustling around*

    Customer: “I thought I had that here…”

    *long pause, more rustling*

    Customer: “Just a sec…”

    *several seconds of silence*

    Customer: “Never mind, you sound stupid.”

    *hangs up*


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