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    Unable To Order, Drunken Disorder

    | Alberta, Canada | Hotels & Lodging, Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi, what can I do for you this evening?”

    Customer: *visibly intoxicated* “I need a room.”

    (After arguing with her for a good ten minutes about the cost per night, the customer settles on a standard room. A few hours later, she calls.)

    Me: “Front desk.”

    Customer: “My phone isn’t working.”

    Me: “Are you sure?”

    Customer: “Girl I am sure! My phone is not working.”

    Me: “Is it not working when you are trying to dial out? Make sure you’re pressing ‘9’ before you dial the number you’re trying to reach.”

    Customer: “No, I know that! I read that. It’s not working. No dial tone, nothing.”

    Me: “Ma’am, aren’t you calling me from the room phone?”

    *Silence for a moment.*

    Customer: “While I’ve got you on here, can you order me ribs?”

    Me: “From the restaurant next door?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m not required to do that. The number for the restaurant is in your guest directory found in the drawer of the desk in your room.”

    Customer: “But my phone isn’t working!”

    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4

    | Ohio, USA | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

    (After unlocking the caller’s account and beginning to explain when it can be used.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. The account will be unlocked in a half hour.”

    Caller: “Okay, I’m in Florida, where y’all located?”

    Me: “Sir, we are in Ohio.”

    Caller: “Okay. So is that 30 minutes Central or 30 minutes Eastern?”

    Related:
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
    No Fortitude For Longitude
    No Aptitude For Latitude

    Unconcentrated Juice

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant name]. My name is Julie and I’ll be talking care of you today. What may I get you to drink?"

    Customer: “Where am I?!”

    Customer’s Daughter: “She’ll have a vodka on the rocks…straight.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer: “Who are you?! Where’s my juice?!”

    Me: “Um…” *looks at customer, then back at the daughter* “Are you sure?”

    Customer’s Daughter: “Trust me, the vodka is the only thing that shuts her up.”

    (I bring them the vodka.)

    Customer: “Who are you!? My juice is funny!”

    (3 vodkas later.)

    Me: “How was your meal, ladies?”

    Customer: “You smell nice. And you have good juice.”

    Not Quite The Cat’s Meow

    | Ontario, Canada | Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

    (A visitor enters with a large cat carrier.)

    Visitor: “Hi, I found a stray cat. They told me to bring it here.”

    Me: “Ok, just stay in this room. I’ll get some assistance.”

    Visitor: “It’s really nasty, it keeps hissing. I think it wants out. Do you mind if I let it out?”

    Me: “Please don’t, miss. We need to evaluate it first.”

    Visitor: “No, I really think he needs to be let out. Don’t worry!”

    Me: *noticing the loud hissing and snarling* “I seriously advise against opening the carrier!”

    Visitor: “Why?”

    Me: “Because that is not a cat.”

    (The visitor ignores me and opens the carrier. A huge, angry raccoon dashes out, hissing and growling.)

    Loonie Toonies

    | Niagara Falls, ON, Canada | Canada, Hotels & Lodging, Uncategorized

    Me: “Good evening, sir. How can I help you?”

    Guest: “I need change for $5.00 so I can leave the maid a tip.”

    (The guest hands me a Canadian $5.00 bill and I open my register and take out a ‘toonie’ and three ‘loonies’ and hand it to the guest.)

    Guest: *blank look* “What is this?”

    Me: “That is change for $5.00.”

    Guest: “Is this real?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Guest: “Are you kidding me?”

    Me: “No, sir. I assure you that is Canadian change for five dollars.”

    Guest: “Is the maid going to understand what this stuff is?”

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