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    The Lights Are On But Nobody’s Home

    | Bay Area, CA |

    Client: “I need to see if I can get a settlement advancement because I only have enough money to pay my rent or electricity bill.”

    Me: “I will talk to the adjuster and see if we can get an advancement, but they don’t have to give you one and we can not force them.”

    Client: “That’s great, thank you… but which bill should I pay?”

    Me: “I am not going to tell you what to do, but let me ask you this: what good is electricity if you do not have a place to live?”

    Client: “So, which bill should I pay then?”

    Me: “… Really?”

    I’m In Ur Hubz Burnin Ur Portz

    | Utah, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to *** support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “One of my computers doesn’t have internet.”

    Me: “Okay, is it in a hub?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Can you try a different port?”

    (I hear scuffling in the background.)

    Customer: “It works now.”

    Me: “Well, great. That port on your hub must be burned out. Just order a new hub from your admin, or use this port instead.”

    Customer: “But why?”

    Me: “Because it’s burned out.”

    Customer: “I know, but why is burned out?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I like this port! How could it be burned out?”

    Me: “It just is. It’s like reaching into a bag of chips and getting that green one: sometimes it just happens.”

    Customer: “That’s chips, this is a hub! I want to know why it burned out! Tell me why!”

    Me: “I don’t know! Terrorists or something did it!”

    Customer: *hangs up*

    Cube mate: “Terrorists?”

    Who’s The Man Now

    | Boise, ID, USA | Top

    (It’s past closing time and I’ve just dealt with a rush of 3 new applications that took 15 minutes each, and am moving on to the next customer.)

    Me: “Sorry about that, what can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Well, these movies aren’t working. They are all scratched.”

    Me: “Sorry about that. Pick whatever you want and I’ll exchange them.”

    Customer: “Thank you.”

    (A few minutes later, a big, flannel clad man walks in.)

    Customer’s husband: “My wife was just in here for half an hour! ”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that…” *explains situation*

    Customer’s husband: “I don’t care! You need to have more than one register open! Where is your manager?!”

    Me: “He is in the back. We were suppose to close 45 minutes ago which is why I’m the only one on the register.”

    Customer’s husband: “You idiot! I need to see him now!”

    Me: “He’ll be here… now calm down!”

    Customer’s husband: “YOU MADE MY PREGNANT WIFE STAND IN LINE FOR HALF AN HOUR!”

    Me: “Well, sir… maybe you should have been a man and came in here instead of your wife.”

    Customer’s husband: *speechless*

    (My manager had to pretend to fire me in front of him, but we later joked about him in the back room.)

    Customer of the Week: Life or Death

    | Ontario, Canada | Old Comics

    Customer Of The Week: Life or Death
    Created by our friends at Quitting Time

    Original Story

    Go MacGuyver Go

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (I work at a bulk food store, where prices are given on the bins for 100 grams, and 1 pound of the product.)

    Customer: “Why isn’t this weighing in pounds? The sign had it in pounds!”

    Me: “The signs have it in both pounds and grams, and since Canada uses the metric system, we weigh according to kilograms.”

    Customer: “Kilograms are not grams!”

    Me: “Grams go into kilograms, sir.”

    Customer: “No they don’t! I am the customer, and I want this scale to weigh in pounds!”

    (Note that this is a scale only weighs in kilograms, with ‘kg’ painted on permanently next to the display.)

    Me: “That’s impossible, sir.”

    Customer: “No it’s not, it’s what I want. I work with computers. I can change this.”

    Me: “… You do that.”


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