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    Caution: Contents Are Highly Enjoyable

    | Lone Tree, CO, USA |

    (A woman called us on the phone after getting home with a video game she’d just purchased.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I just bought a video game, and there’s plastic on it.”

    Me: “OK…”

    Customer: “What do I do? Do I take the plastic off?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am. You have to in order to get the game.”

    Customer: “But nothing will happen, right?”

    Me: “No. Nothing is going to happen.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m sure.”

    Customer: “All right. I’ll call back if something happens.”

    (I never heard back. I hope nothing horrible happened.)

    Bad Parenting: Seeing Is Believing

    | San Jose, CA, USA |

    (I was working the box office when a woman with two young children came up to the window.)

    Customer: “One adult and two children for ‘Scary Movie’.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I should warn you – this movie really isn’t appropriate for little children. May I suggest another film?”

    Customer: “What? Come on, it’s a comedy! It’ll be fine!”

    Me: “It’s rated ‘R’. It’s pretty much nothing but sex, nudity and violence. It’s really not for kids.”

    Customer: “I’ll decide what is and isn’t appropriate for my kids to watch! Now sell me the tickets!”

    (I sell her the tickets. Five minutes into the movie, the woman comes storming back out with her kids in tow.)

    Customer: “You didn’t tell me it was THAT bad!”

    Always Right, Even When Trafficking People

    , | Emeryville, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is **** speaking, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, hi. I was just wondering how much your Mexicans are?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Your Mexicans. The ones you have outside in the parking lot. I need some work done on my roof and I wanted to come pick up a couple.”

    Me: “Ma’am…first of all, they are called day laborers. Secondly, they don’t belong to us. They don’t belong to anyone actually, they are people. Third, our city prohibits soliciting work in a shopping center, so we actually don’t have any workers in the parking lot. If you need work done–”

    Customer: “Never mind, I’ll just shop somewhere else!” *hangs up*

    Soggy Software

    | Mississippi, USA |

    (This call came in shortly after Hurricane Katrina.)

    Customer: “My computer isn’t working.”

    Me: “It’s not working, or your service isn’t working?”

    Customer: “My computer itself will not turn on.”

    Me: “Well, since it’s not a service-related problem, I can’t really help you with fixing it. When was the last time it worked?”

    Customer: “Well, we had to evacuate for a few days, and then we came back to clean up. I fished the computer out of the swimming pool and let it dry out, then got it hooked back up.”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s not gonna work.”

    Smile – You’re On Scam-Cam

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Me: Hi, welcome to ****. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’ve been waiting here for 15 minutes. I want everything here discounted.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I left here maybe two minutes ago, max, to check the fitting rooms.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “In short, yes.”

    Customer: “Bull! Do you have any proof I wasn’t here earlier?!”

    (I point to the huge camera on the ceiling.)

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I’ll shut up now.”

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