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    Cutting The Cheese 101 Has A Nice Air To It

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (One of my friends works part-time at the deli counter in a grocery store. At one point, a rather well-to-do looking–the word he used was “snooty”–woman and her not-too-bright looking son came up to the counter.)

    Woman: “I’d like one pound of muenster cheese.”

    Friend: “Very well.”

    (He proceeds to slice the cheese on the slicer, and weighs it out; it’s .97 pounds. He attempts to hand it to her.)

    Woman: “That’s NOT a pound of cheese.”

    (Slightly perturbed, he slices another slice of cheese and places it on top of the existing pile. It is not 1.02 pounds of cheese. Again, she sighs and appears indignant.)

    Woman: “Is that including the paper?”

    (He then peels the slice in half and puts the half slice on the pile; it’s .99 pounds now. At this point, the woman leans over to her less-than-brilliant-looking son, and whispers, loud enough for my friend to hear:)

    Woman: “This is why you go to college.”

    (It should be mentioned, at this point, that my friend goes to an Ivy League school.)

    Ah, Fathers

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada |

    (I was a cashier and father and young son were in line.)

    Son: “Wow, that’s a lot of stuff!”

    Dad: “Yeah, I might have to sell your bike to pay for it all.”

    Son: “Noooo, not my bike!”

    Dad: *laughs* “No, I wouldn’t sell your bike for food. Although, I might sell it for beer…”

    Blue Screen Flash Of Death

    | Mt. Laurel, NJ, USA |

    (Client, a postman, walks in with his older machine. He sets it down on the desk, I turn it on and dust comes out the back. He explains how slow it’s been and how much he hates Windows Millennium Edition.)

    Me: “We can fix that up for you, but with the cost of the upgrade to Windows XP, the memory to support it, etc, it might be wise just to purchase a new computer and transfer the data.”

    Him: “Nah, that’s alright. I like this one.”

    (I go around the desk to fetch his paper work. He somehow finds a paper clip and decides to remove the dust on the back of his power supply fan with it. Shortly thereafter, a blue flash comes out the back, he jumps a bit, and the computer turns off.)

    Him: “Yanno what, I’ll just get that data backup.”

    Me: “One moment, please…”

    (Every customer in line and all of my employees cried laughing. Poor guy.)

    No, Thank YOU!

    | Alberta, Canada |

    Customer: “You have shoe with knife on bottom?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “Shoe with knife on bottom!”

    Me: “Do you mean ice skates?”

    Customer: “Yes, skate!”

    Me: “Yes, we do sell ice skates.”

    Customer: “NO! You have skate?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Customer: “So you have shoe with knife on bottom?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    Me: “You’re welcome–”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    Me: “You’re wel–”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    *click*

    Please Do Not Pet The Employees

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    (I was a volunteer at the zoo, and was walking around an exhibit room with a boa constrictor in my arms so people could pet her.)

    Man: “Can we pet it? It’s not slimy, is it?”

    Me: “No sir, not at all. She’s very sweet, go ahead.”

    Man: *pets snake* “Wow, it’s really soft.” *reaches for my head* “Let’s see if its handler is, too…”

    Me: “?!?” *dodges his hand*

    (Thankfully, he left quickly!)


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