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    As Easy As 1, 3, 2

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “Hi. I ordered a movie awhile back and I was wondering if it’s in yet.”

    Me: *checking the order history* “Unfortunately is hasn’t arrived yet. We’re still waiting on the distributor to send it to us.”

    Customer: “Oh, well how long is it going to take? ¬†I’ve been waiting for three months.”

    Me: “Actually my records indicate that you ordered the movie in October.”

    Customer: “Exactly. October, September, November. Three months!”

    They Might Want A See A Doctor About That

    | Adelaide, Australia |

    Elderly Female Customer: “Hello I’m lookin for DVDs by Andre Rieu. Can you help me?”

    Me: “Sure… we have Andre just here on this end rack, then we have him in this stand as well. And we also have a huge section of him in our Easy Listening section, but if head that way, give me a yell and I’ll help you out.”

    Elderly Female Customer: “My, you have a lot of him, don’t you?”

    Me: “Yes, he’s rather popular at the moment. Are you going to his tour?”

    Elderly Female Customer: “Yes, I got my ticket first. Most of my friends like him as well. Well, except for two… but they don’t have souls.”

    Me: “…”

    Bad News On Laundry Day

    | Magnolia, TX, USA |

    (A creepy, smelly old man with dirty clothes and a scraggly beard walks into the bank.)

    Me: “Hi! Welcome to **** Bank, how are you today?”

    Customer: *stares, saying nothing*

    Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “I need to take $150 in quarters from my checking account.”

    Me: “Ok, I can do that for you, no problem.” *taking out a withdrawal slip* “If you can just fill this out for me, I–”

    Customer: “I can’t do that.” *pushes slip across the counter*

    Me: “…pardon?”

    Customer: “I said, I can’t do that. Do it for me.”

    Me: “Sir, unfortunately I cannot do that, for security purposes.”

    Customer: “Why can’t you?”

    Me: “It’s to protect your identity.”

    Customer: “My what? Just fill out the damn slip for me!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m really sorry, but you have to fill out the withdrawal slip. At the very least, I need you to put your name down.”

    Customer: “I can’t do that.”

    Me: “If you pardon my asking sir, why not?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to.”

    Me: “I’m…sorry sir, but–”

    Customer: “What kind of bank makes people do things?!” *storms out*

    Problem Exists Between Bottle And Hand

    | Columbia, MD, USA |

    (I work for a popular coffee chain that sells bottled drinks at the counter. The bottles have a tamper-evident pop-top feature. One day, a customer approached the counter after purchasing one of these drinks.)

    Customer: “Hey, I just bought one of these things and when I opened it the cap popped up.”

    Me: “Yes, they do–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “It says ‘Do Not Drink If Button Is Up’.”

    Me: “Yes, it’s a tamper-evident button to–”

    Customer: *speaking very slowly* “I want you to understand what I’m saying here! I can’t drink this – it’s been tampered with!”

    Me: “When you opened the container, the button popped up–”

    Customer: “I’M NOT SURE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE!”

    Me: *headdesk*

    Why Hello, Pheven

    | Australia |

    Me: “I’m here to help, sir. Now, can I start with your name?”

    Caller: “Yeah. It’s Steven.”

    Me: “Is that ‘Steven’ with a V, or ‘Stephen’ with a PH?”

    Caller: “No, it’s Steven with an S, idiot!”

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