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    | Alberta, Canada |

    Customer: “You have shoe with knife on bottom?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “Shoe with knife on bottom!”

    Me: “Do you mean ice skates?”

    Customer: “Yes, skate!”

    Me: “Yes, we do sell ice skates.”

    Customer: “NO! You have skate?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Customer: “So you have shoe with knife on bottom?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    Me: “You’re welcome–”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    Me: “You’re wel–”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    *click*

    Please Do Not Pet The Employees

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    (I was a volunteer at the zoo, and was walking around an exhibit room with a boa constrictor in my arms so people could pet her.)

    Man: “Can we pet it? It’s not slimy, is it?”

    Me: “No sir, not at all. She’s very sweet, go ahead.”

    Man: *pets snake* “Wow, it’s really soft.” *reaches for my head* “Let’s see if its handler is, too…”

    Me: “?!?” *dodges his hand*

    (Thankfully, he left quickly!)

    Always Right, Even If It Requires Changing The Space-Time Continuum

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA |

    (A customer walks up to the box office, obviously very angry. She throws a newspaper down onto the counter.)

    Customer: “Sir, these show times are wrong.”

    Me: “Ma’am, those are yesterday’s show times.”

    Customer: *smugly* “Well, why are they in today’s paper?”

    Me: “That’s yesterday’s paper.”

    Customer: “Oh… well, they’re still wrong!”

    Me: “…”

    One Dangerously Pressurized Coffee, Coming Up

    | Eugene, OR, USA |

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Can I get a 16 oz. coffee in a 12 oz. cup?”

    Me: “No. We can’t do that here.”

    Customer: “What are you talking about? They do this for me every time I come here!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s no way we can put 16 oz. of coffee in a 12 oz. cup.”

    Customer: “Yes you can! You’ve always done it!”

    (The customer’s friend was standing next to her at the time.)

    Customer’s friend: “Um, I think you meant a 12 oz. coffee in a 16 oz. cup.”

    Customer: “… ooooh. Yeah, that’s what I meant!”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Yes, It’s For My Longmower

    , | Chesapeake, VA, USA |

    Me: “Lawn and Garden, this is Karen.”

    (The customer, a very nice lady, explains that she needs a part number for a belt on her riding lawn mower, but she can’t find the manual and doesn’t know the model number of the mower. I have her describe the mower for me so I can narrow it down.)

    Customer: “Well, it’s last year’s Cub Cadet model with the 48 inch dick.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I mean DECK!!”

    (It took me a good minute or two to stop laughing.)

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