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    Parental Gui-dunce

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (I’m working at a movie theatre when a woman and her son who looks about 8 storms outside and up to me at the box office.)

    Customer: “I demand my money back for our movie!”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. Because it’s been within the first 30 minutes I can refund you the full price. What movie was it that you went to see?”

    Customer:Sin City!”

    Me: *begins to refund the two tickets*

    Customer: “You know, this is ridiculous. You should have told me that this movie was inappropriate for my child. There’s not even a notice anywhere telling me this!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “How on earth was I supposed to know that this movie is inappropriate? You really should have told me!”

    Me: “Are you serious? The movie is rated 18A, the poster right in front of you has a half naked lady dancing, AND it’s called SIN City! Did you expect it to be about bunnies and rainbows?”

    Customer: *grabs her money and storms off with her son*

    Be Careful What You Ask For, Part 3

    | Beaverton, OR, USA |

    Me: “What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I want a small popcorn, and don’t try to upsell me a medium!”

    Me: “Can I interest you in a large then?”

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager.”

    Related:
    Be Careful What You Ask For, Part 2
    Be Careful What You Ask For

    No Debit, But Plenty of Loonies

    | Alberta, Canada |

    (At the gas station where I work, a young woman staggers in drunk and tries to buy a bag of chips on debit.)

    Me: “Okay, that will be $1.35 on debit.”

    (The customer picks up the pin pad and proceeds to swipe a quarter through the slot.)

    Me: “Um… ma’am?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “That’s a quarter.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know. For some reason it won’t work. Is this thing turned on?”

    Me: “But… that’s… that’s not a debit card. Do you have a debit card?”

    Customer: “I’m TRYING! But it won’t work!”

    Me: “It’s plastic? Kinda rectangle shaped? Has your bank name on it?”

    Customer: “Why won’t it work?”

    Me: “You know what? I don’t think that one is working. Do you have another one? Sometimes these machines won’t like a card for no real reason. It happens.”

    Customer: “Oh ya? I get that at my work too…”

    (She proceeds to put away the quarter and pulls out a loonie instead.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I think I see the problem now. All of our card systems are down. They must have crashed with all the people buying things today. Do you have cash instead?”

    Customer: “Sure, no problem.” *pulls out 20 dollar bill* “Keep the change. It’s only a few dollars anyway. I don’t want it….”

    Me: “Sure, thanks!”

    (She wanders off to pass out in the bathroom for 3 hours but I just couldn’t bring myself to call the cops on her.)

    Right Next To The Special Chinese Gefeltifish

    | Omaha, NE, USA |

    Customer: “Miss, I need some ranch for my crab rangoon.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, Ma’am, we don’t serve ranch here.”

    Customer: “What kind of g**d**ned Chinese restaurant doesn’t have ranch? What? You don’t have barbeque sauce either?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we don’t. I’m very sorry. I could walk down to the pizza place next door and get you a container of ranch.”

    Customer: “NO! I WANT YOUR SPECIAL CHINESE RANCH!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we do not serve ‘special Chinese ranch.’ I’m very sorry, but like I said, I ca–”

    Customer: “WHATEVER, YOU G**D**NED C**T!” *storms out*

    My Hypocrisy Ate Your Democracy

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling the Benefits Center, how may I assist you today?”

    Customer: “Hi. I am trying to enroll in my benefits for next year.”

    Me: “Okay, how may I assist you?”

    Customer: “I just got engaged and I want to add my fiance to my insurance.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to add your fiance to your coverage until you get married.”

    Customer: “… So, those f***ing f***ots can get benefits, but I can’t?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but you have the option to get married, they don’t.”

    Customer: “Those f***ing f***ots, f***ing us over anyway they can!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but you have the option to get married, they do not. That is the only reason we offer health benefits to same-sex domestic partners.”

    Customer: “What if I can’t get married? What are you going to do about that?”

    Me: “Why can’t you get married?”

    Customer: “Well, a**hole if you must ask… it’s because I am already married.”

    Me: “Sir, I can assure you we don’t pay for infidelity.”


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