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    Airtight Conclusions For Windbags

    | Washington, DC, USA |

    (A customer comes in attempting to return a worn, filthy $39 dress that’s covered with hair.)

    Me: “Our company’s policy states that we cannot return worn merchandise. I’m sorry, but we can’t give you your refund.”

    Customer: “I never wore this. I want my money back.”

    Me: “Ma’am, the dress is stained with your makeup, and has your hair on it. I refuse to take this item back.”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your store manager.”

    Me: “I am the store manager.”

    Customer: *takes a few steps back* “Look at me. I’m dressed head to toe in your clothing. I make more money in a year than you will in a lifetime.”

    Me: “That may be so, but I’m still not taking your dress back. It seems that the price shouldn’t be an issue for you.”

    Customer: “You don’t know who I am. You’ll be lucky to have a job in the morning!”

    Me: “If you earn as much as you say, wouldn’t my year of unemployment cost more out of your income taxes than the price of the dress?”

    Customer: *storms off*

    What A Tangled Web We Weave

    | Northridge, CA, USA | Top

    (A customer had already ordered, picked up, and drank most of his drink. He then walked up to the counter and was very angry.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “What the f*** is this?!” *points to his cup*

    Me: “It looks like the drink I made you, and you seem to have already enjoyed it.”

    Customer: “No smart-a**…this!” *pours the drink onto the counter and a key bounces out* “What the f*** is going on here?!”

    Me: *alarmed* “I am SO sorry sir! When I made the drink, I know there wasn’t a key in it. Let me make you a new one.”

    Customer: “Yeah! You f***in’ better make me a new f***in’ drink. This is complete bulls***! You’re lucky I don’t sue you and this coffee company!”

    (I take the key and make him a new drink, and he goes and sits outside with his friends. The key wasn’t mine, so I started asking coworkers and customers. No one was claiming it. The customer walked up about 5 minutes later, bright red and embarrassed.)

    Customer: “Yeah, uh…I’m going to need my car key back so I can go home….”

    Customer Of The Week: Fathead

    | Evergreen, CO, USA | Old Comics

    Customer Of The Week: Fathead
    Created by our friends at Quitting Time

    Original Story

    He Who Eats Less, Laughs Best

    , | Evergreen, CO, USA | Top

    (While I’m working, I see this teenage girl pull up in an really nice car. With her orange spray tan and expensive clothing, I could tell it would be interesting.)

    Me: “Hey, what could I get for you today?”

    Customer: “You’re going to make me a non-fat shake with non-fat mix, non-fat milk and non-fat chocolate.

    Me: “Oh, Ok…I’ll have that done for you in just a second.”

    (Right before I start to blend the shake, she speaks up:)

    Customer: “So since you work here, do you eat a lot of ice cream?”

    Me: “Well, I suppose I eat enough to be able to recommend stuff to customers….”

    Customer: “Well, you just look like you eat a lot of ice cream. You might want to quit your job before you get too fat.”

    Me: “Thanks for that advice.”

    (While my coworker rings her up, I proceed to add 5 pumps of chocolate syrup, extra chocolate chips, and tons of extra ingredients to her shake, putting it up to a total of about 4,000 calories.)

    Customer: *taking a drink* “At least you can make a decent shake.”

    Your Forecast For Today: Dark

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** technical support, this is ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I have this error stuck on my TV screen – ‘Acquiring Satellite Signal’ – how do I fix this?”

    Me: “I show from your account info that your area is undergoing a hurricane. Are you having bad weather now?”

    Customer: “It’s raining and windy.”

    Me: “Well, the rain and cloud cover are going to block your signal until the storm passes. The weather reports show that this is a major storm; have you considered evacuating for your own safety?”

    Customer: *angrily* “How do I know if I need to evacuate when the TV only shows me this ERROR?!”


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