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    When Sizes Are XXX

    | Boston, MA, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am assisting a man holding a small and medium shirt.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m just thinking about S and M.”

    Me: “I’ll leave you to that, then.”

    Knows Knot Of Mass

    | Houghton Lake, MI, USA | Math & Science

    (I work for a discount store that sells bulk birdseed that the customer scoops themselves. A customer approaches the counter with a bag that’s quite full but not tied.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am, how are you today?” (I start tying the bag shut so I can lift it on the counter to weigh without spilling.)

    Customer: “No! Don’t!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Don’t tie a knot in it or it’ll weigh more!”

    Me: “Ma’am. I’m sorry but, how’s that possible?”

    Customer: “It’s a knot! They’re heavier!”

    Nip-Picking

    | Ontario, Canada | Pets & Animals

    (A customer brings her dog to the front desk in a panic.)

    Customer: “My dog has fleas, so I need you to help me. I have been using the flea medication you gave me, but I can still see flea eggs.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you can see flea eggs?”

    Customer: “I have been trying to pick them off, but they seem to be stuck.”

    Me: “Ok, can you show me the eggs you have been trying to pick off?”

    (Customer lifts up the dog to show me it’s belly.)

    Customer: “See! These!”

    Me: “Ma’am, those are not flea eggs, they are his nipples.”

    Customer: “Nipples? But he’s a male, how does he have nipples? They have to be flea eggs.”

    Me: “I assure you, he has no fleas, and the ‘eggs’ you have been trying to pick off are in fact his nipples.”

    Customer: “Get the vet, you don’t know what you’re talking about, he’s a male! He can’t have nipples.”

    Me: “Ma’am, do human males have nipples?”

    Customer: *stares blankly for a moment* “Well s***!” *walks out*

    Less Than Meets The Eye

    | Tennessee, USA | Extra Stupid

    (Our laser tag equipment works on radio waves. The laser is only there to see the general area you’re aiming for. Two customers approach me.)

    Customer #1: “Will these blind you if you get shot in the eye?”

    Me: “No ma’am. It’s a very low powered beam. It is a bit disconcerting when you get tagged in the eye, but that’s just your eye adjusting suddenly to the bright light in the darkness.”

    Customer #1: “Are you sure it won’t hurt your eyes?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, to do any damage at all you would have to stare down the barrel and shoot yourself in the eye repeatedly.”

    (Customer #2 immediately looks into the barrel and holds down the trigger.)

    In CyberSpace, No One Can Hear You Scream

    | Oshawa, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [internet company], you have reached [name]. How can I help?”

    Customer: “The internet isn’t working again!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that, how long has it not been working?”

    Customer: “Since all the weird lights last night!”

    Me: “Oh okay, well what are the lights on the modem doming now?”

    Customer: “How am I supposed to know, its covered in tinfoil!”

    Me: “Ma’am that a terrible fire hazard! You need to unwrap that now!”

    Customer: “Absolutely not! Its the only way to keep the aliens out! I would rather burn the house down than allow them into my computer!”

    Me: “I’m sorry…aliens?”

    Customer: “Yes, aliens! And those weird lights outside, I told you! That’s why it’s not working!”

    (I hear her handling aluminum foil and a dog barking in the background.)

    Customer: “So are you going to get me a new modem or not?”

    Me: “Certainly, just a moment.”

    Customer: “That’s what I thought! Now hurry up! I need to go rewrap the dog!”

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