Me: “Welcome to [restaurant name]. My name is Julie and I’ll be talking care of you today. What may I get you to drink?"
Customer: “Where am I?!”
Customer’s Daughter: “She’ll have a vodka on the rocks…straight.”
Customer: “Who are you?! Where’s my juice?!”
Me: “Um…” *looks at customer, then back at the daughter* “Are you sure?”
Customer’s Daughter: “Trust me, the vodka is the only thing that shuts her up.”
(I bring them the vodka.)
Customer: “Who are you!? My juice is funny!”
(3 vodkas later.)
Me: “How was your meal, ladies?”
Customer: “You smell nice. And you have good juice.”
(A visitor enters with a large cat carrier.)
Visitor: “Hi, I found a stray cat. They told me to bring it here.”
Me: “Ok, just stay in this room. I’ll get some assistance.”
Visitor: “It’s really nasty, it keeps hissing. I think it wants out. Do you mind if I let it out?”
Me: “Please don’t, miss. We need to evaluate it first.”
Visitor: “No, I really think he needs to be let out. Don’t worry!”
Me: *noticing the loud hissing and snarling* “I seriously advise against opening the carrier!”
Me: “Because that is not a cat.”
(The visitor ignores me and opens the carrier. A huge, angry raccoon dashes out, hissing and growling.)
Me: “Good evening, sir. How can I help you?”
Guest: “I need change for $5.00 so I can leave the maid a tip.”
(The guest hands me a Canadian $5.00 bill and I open my register and take out a ‘toonie’ and three ‘loonies’ and hand it to the guest.)
Guest: *blank look* “What is this?”
Me: “That is change for $5.00.”
Guest: “Is this real?”
Me: “Yes, sir.”
Guest: “Are you kidding me?”
Me: “No, sir. I assure you that is Canadian change for five dollars.”
Guest: “Is the maid going to understand what this stuff is?”
(A woman comes up to me while I’m taking down the dried out, bad corn from the display.)
Customer: "You just throw those away?"
Me: "Yep, we have to throw out the bad ones."
Customer: "You mean they don’t donate it to the poor or anything?"
Me: "Well, no. Our store does donate to the unfortunate, but it’s usually money or fresh product."
Customer: "But poor people are used to eating bad food! They eat out of the trash all the time! You don’t have to give them good food!"
Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”
(Note: the customer speaks like a wrestling announcer, which continues for this entire conversation.)
Customer: “I need a medium pizza with four, count ’em, four toppings!”
Me: “Alright, let me just grab a pen to write your order.”
Customer: “What are those toppings you may ask? Well, they are mushrooms, green peppers, pineapple, and sliced tomatoes!”
Me: “Alright sir, I have all of that written down and your pizza should be ready in about–”
Customer: “I will return in ten, count ’em, ten minutes, and my pizza had better be ready!”
Me: “Well we will certainly do our best, sir.”
Customer: “Good! And if your best is not good enough, well, so be it!”