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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • From Gills To Godly

    | Nanuet, NY, USA |

    Customer: *in a thick accent* “Hello, were you the girl I spoke to last night about my fish?”

    Me: “No, I’m not, but I’d be happy to help you.”

    (The customer whips out a Chinese food container holding a fish that is clearly on death’s doorstep.)

    Customer: “My fish…she is dying. I need you to heal her. If she is healed, I want you to give her back to me.”

    Me: “Well, sir, your fish honestly doesn’t look like it’s going to make it. I would be happy to replace your fish. Even though we will medicate your fish, I can’t guarantee she’ll survive.”

    Customer: “No… I don’t want another fish. I want this fish. I want you to heal my fish. I have been praying for it. When you heal my fish you should pray for it as well. It will heal faster!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t say that I usually pray, but I will be sure to keep the fish in my thoughts.”

    Customer: “No. You must pray.”

    Me: “…sir, honestly, I don’t practice religion.”

    Customer: “You must pray.”

    Me: “…all right. I will pray for her, and I will make sure she gets the best care. Stop by later this week or call in and ask for me. I will be happy to give you an update, just please keep in mind that I don’t think your fish will survive.”

    Customer: “You must heal my fish. I will call you to see how she is. I am certain she will survive.”

    (It soon became clear that I should have prayed sooner, because the fish died ten minutes after the customer walked out the door.)

    Feel The Burn, Pay For The Lawsuits

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    (I work for a construction company that often works on residential streets. As we were working on one road, a woman stepped under the caution tape and proceeded to walk through the construction zone.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you’ll have to go around this area. I could give you an alternate–”

    Woman: “NO!”

    Me: “Uh, I’m afraid you have to. It’s against the law to go into construction zones.”

    Woman: “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M GETTING MY F***ING EXERCISE?!”

    Me: “…”

    Do Not Mix: Empty Threats & Loaded Barrels

    | San Bernardino, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Hello, I’m looking to get a handgun like this one.”

    (The customer holds up a picture from the movie ‘Wanted’.)

    Me: “All righty, we’ll have to order that one for you, but we can have it to you in a few weeks.”

    Customer: “WHAT?! I NEED THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK! CAN’T YOU GET ME THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK?!”

    Me: “You’ll have to deal with the waiting period, anyway. What exactly do you need it for so quickly?”

    Customer: *suddenly calm again* “Me and my friend are going to curve a bullet around his head for a YouTube video.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t sell you a gun then. All you’ll do is kill your buddy and go to jail.”

    Customer: “YOU’RE GOING TO GET ME THE GUN, OR I’M GOING TO TALK TO THE MANAGER!”

    (The manager, who was in the room behind the counter, walks out with a shotgun on his shoulder.)

    Manager: “You’re in my store, where I have literally hundreds of guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition. Are you really that stupid?”

    (The customer looks around at the guns like he hadn’t noticed them before, and runs out of the store as my co-worker walks up.)

    Co-worker: “I love working here.”

    Small Fish In A Small Pond

    | Malmoe, Sweden | Top

    (Note: I’m waiting to board a delayed flight with one of Europe’s cheapest and largest airlines.)

    Hostess: “Welcome to flight *** from Malmoe to Dublin. Those of you with seating numbers 1 through 35, please go to line one. Those of you with seating numbers 36 and up, please go to line two. If any of you are traveling with small children or checked in online, please go to the counter and you will be let on board before we start boarding the other passengers.”

    (A group of businessmen, about 35-55 years old and in suits, walk to the counter and cut in front of a family with very young children.)

    Hostess: “Well, I can see you didn’t check in online, so you’ll have to stand in line. The first line is for early seating numbers; the second line is for la–”

    Businessman #1: “Oh, come on… can’t you make an exception? We’re already standing here and all.”

    Businessman #2: “You only have to board us and we’re done!”

    Hostess: “No, you’ll have to wait in turn, just like everyone else. The lines start over there.”

    Businessman #2: “But I always get to board the plane first!”

    Hostess: “You’re not a family with children and you didn’t check in over the internet, so you’ll have to stand in line.”

    Businessman #2: *very angrily* “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”

    Hostess: “No, but you can’t be that important if you’re traveling with us.”

    Businessman #2: *quietly retreats to the back of the line with his buddies*

    A Chance To Play God

    | Acton, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’m going to the temple today, and I need to get some flowers.”

    Me: “Okay, do you want fresh cut flowers or a potted plant?”

    Customer: “A potted plant. Tell me, what color do you think God would like today?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Last week I got yellow flowers and I think God liked them, but He might want something else today.”

    Me: “Um, I’m pretty sure God is in the mood for red right now.”

    Customer: “Excellent. Do you think He wants roses or azaleas?”

    Me: “…”

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