Sounds Like They’ve Had Too Many Bottles Already

| Memphis, TN, USA | Religion, Uncategorized

(I’m working at a popular arts and crafts store as a cashier.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store], this is [name], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, do you have a chemical, or some sort of solution, for turning clear water into wine?”

Me: “Uh… like… dyeing it to look like wine?”

Customer: *completely serious* “No. Turning it INTO wine.”

Me: “Ma’am, I think you’ll have better luck calling the church for that.”

Prismatically Incorrect

| Worcester, MA, USA | Funny Names, Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi, do your Renaissance cake toppers have Swastika crystals?”

Me: “I’m sorry, do you mean Swarovski crystals?”

Customer: “Yeah, those.”

Penny For Your Thoughtlessness

| Westchester, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Uncategorized

(I am working as a cashier at a gourmet food store. A lady walks up with one item and a giant jar full of pennies. I ring her up.)

Me: “That will be three dollars ma’am.”

Customer: “Okay, here you go.”

(She puts the jar down on the counter.)

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, what is the jar for?”

Customer: “It’s how I’m paying. Are you blind?”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, do you have any cash?”

Customer: “No I don’t! I’m just paying in pennies for the fun of it. Get counting!”

(She proceeds to dump the pennies onto the counter. I finish counting out the 300 pennies.)

Customer: “Could you have taken any longer?”

(She storms off. The next customer walks up with just one item.)

Customer #2: *without missing a beat* “I know this is going to be $5.01. Can you spare a penny?”

Some Customers Are Completely See-Through

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

(When a customer at the store uses a credit card, we always need ID and either the last four digits and/or the security code on the back.)

Me: “Alright, sir, I’ll just need to see your ID and credit card for a second.”

Customer: *hands me ID* “2-9-4-7!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I have to see the credit card for security reasons.”

Customer: *shouting slowly* “2-9-4-7!”

Me: “Yes, sir, I heard you. But I need to be able to see the card.”

Customer: “No. No way. I never let anyone see my card. You people are just trying to take my numbers and use my card for yourselves! No way!”

Me: “I promise you, sir, I will not be able to memorize your 16-digit number and know your security number by looking at the front of the card for less than two seconds.”

Customer: “I know a girl who can do it!”

Me: “Well, I do not have that kind of memory, but what if you put your finger over the numbers and just show me the name on the card and the last four digits? I absolutely must see the card, sir, or you will have to pay with a different method.”

Customer: “Well…I guess that would be okay. You don’t have X-ray vision, do you?”

Me: *laughs* “No, no I don’t.”

Customer: “Don’t laugh! I know someone who does!”

Not The Only Thing In Need Of Maintenance

, | Saskatchewan, Canada | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

(We’re closed for maintenance, and have shut off all the exterior lights, including those in drive-thru. We also put a sign on the drive-thru menu stating we’re closed. A car pulls into drive-thru, and I put on a headset. All of this takes places via drive-thru speaker.)

Me: “Hi, I’m sorry, but we’re currently closed for maintenance. Our other location down the street will be happy to serve you.”

Customer: “Hey, we just need a minute. Your lights are off, and it’s hard to see the menu.”

Me: “Sorry, I said we’re closed for maintenance. That’s why the lights are off.”

Customer: “Okay, we’re ready.”

Me: “Sorry, I said we’re closed. Our other store just a few blocks down the street will be happy to help.”

(The customer says their order.)

Customer: “Hello? Did you get that?”

Me: *gives up* “Welcome to [restaurant]. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed due to the store being closed for maintenance. For service in English, please press one.” *switches to French* “Pour service en Francais, poussez le deux.” *switches to Spanish* “Para el servicio en Español, presione por favor el numero tres.”

(Faint laughter as the rest of the car’s passengers start laughing.)

Customer: “Uh…” *whispers* “What do I do?” *laughter from other passengers* “Uh… one?”

Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant]. Our hours of operation are 7 am to 3 am, except today, because we are closed… due… to… maintenance. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!”

(Squeal of tires as the car peels away, the rest of the passengers killing themselves laughing.)

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