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    Whole Grain, Half A Brain

    | Omaha, NE, USA |

    (At our natural foods store, a customer swipes her card through the debit machine and is looking at me funny.)

    Customer: “Um… where is the stylus?”

    Me: “This machine doesn’t have one; we have a pen to sign anything. Did you want that as credit?”

    Customer: “No, I want to enter my pin number but I don’t understand how I am supposed to do that with no stylus.”

    Me: “Oh, well… you just press the buttons.”

    Customer: “You mean I have to use my fingers?!”

    Me: “Yes, you use your fingers…”

    Raceless Accusations

    | New Braunfels, TX, USA |

    (At our hotel, the doors are locked at 10 pm due to a recent robbery and all transactions are done after that time through the teller window.)

    Me: “Honey, can I use the bathroom?”

    My husband: “Sure.” *lets me in and re-locks the door*

    (A customer comes to the door after seeing me go in and is redirected to the teller window.)

    Customer: “So, why do I have to check in through the window but she gets to go in?”

    My husband: “I went ahead and let her in since was just wanting to use the restroom.”

    Customer: *angrily* “Is it because I’m [race]?!”

    My husband: “Well, sir, it may have something to do with the fact that she’s a very small girl who couldn’t possibly pose a threat to me, but mostly it’s because she’s my wife.”

    Customer: “… Oh.”

    He Uses The Google

    | Saskatchewan, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Services, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I am an old man who does not understand anything about computers. Something is wrong… can you help me step by step?”

    Me: “Yes, I can. First off I need to know somethings about your computer…”

    (After about 5 minutes he hands the phone to his son who is a self-proclaimed computer software technician.)

    Customer’s son: “Hey, this is ***. I know about computers so you can speak all the Internet jargon you want.”

    Me: “Alright. First off, what web browser are you using?”

    Customer’s son: “Well I am on Google, so Internet Explorer.”

    Me: “… Sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah, since I am on Google, I’m obviously using Internet Explorer.”

    Me: “Can I speak with your father, sir?”

    Related:
    He Wants The Google
    She Uses The Google, Part 2
    She Uses The Google

    A Nation Of Size Queens

    | Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada |

    (I work at a tourist information booth set up along the path by Niagara Falls.)

    Tourist: “Excuse me, ma’am. How do I get to the falls from here?”

    Me: “The Falls? They’re just behind me. That one is the Canadian Falls, also known as the Horseshoe Falls, and that other one’s the American Falls. ”

    Tourist: “Why is the Cay-nay-dian Falls bigger than ours?”

    Me: “Geography, I suppose.”

    Tourist: “I think you have it wrong. The big one MUST be the American one.”

    Me: “No, that one is the Canadian Falls.”

    Tourist: “This is insane! I’m going to write my congressman and demand that that there big falls should be ours! You Cay-Nay-Dians shouldn’t have the big one!”

    Me: “You’re going to annex our Falls? Really?”

    Tourist: “H*** yes I am! I have more of a right to it than you do!”

    Me: “But… it’s in my country.”

    Tourist: “Well, we’ll just see about that!” *storms off*

    The Advantages Of Speaking Dudenese

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Hi, I’m calling to confirm your appointment today. I show here your modem seems to be online. Are you still having a problem with your service?”

    Customer: “Well, my son’s computer will go online but his roommate’s computer will not. We turned the black box thingy off and on but it doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Do you have a router?”

    Customer: “Well, yes we do, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

    Me: “Is the router plugged into the modem?”

    Customer: “What’s the modem?”

    Me: “The black box thingy.”

    Customer: “Yes, but like I said, when I called and talked to your service people that changed the configuration doo-dad and now it doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Well, sir, we do not support third-party equipment, so I can’t send a technician to troubleshoot your issue. What company manufactured your router?”

    Customer: “I just spent $150.00 installing this; you have to send someone out!”

    Me: “Sir, since you have already explained to me that your service is working, it seems that your third-party router is causing the issue. You must call them for support. Legally, we aren’t allowed to support their equipment.”

    (This goes on for about 10 minutes before he gets so frustrated he puts his son on the line.)

    Customer’s son: “Uh, yeah… I need your technician dude to fix this.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, as I explained to the other person I was speaking with we do not support third party equipment.”

    Customer’s son: “But it was working. Your service guy turned my link light off the black box and now it doesn’t work.”

    Me: “But you are surfing on your computer, right?”

    Customer’s son: “Uh, yeah… but I can’t get on the internet on the other. That’s why we need the technician dude to fix it.”

    Me: “Sir what type of car do you drive?”

    Customer’s son: “Honda, why?”

    Me: “Okay, what kind of radio is installed?” *this was a long-shot*

    Customer’s son: “Alpine, what’s your point?”

    Me: “So, when your Alpine radio stops working, are you going to call the Honda dealership telling them you want your money back and you want them to fix a radio they didn’t install or manufacture?”

    Customer’s son: “I think I need to call Linksys.”


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