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    MSRP: My Suggested Retail Price

    | Wanganui, New Zealand | Top

    Customer: “Ooh, don’t you have lovely eyes? You’re like a little china doll!”

    Me: “Uh, thanks…is that like a porcelain doll?”

    Customer: “Yes! Yes! A porcelain doll! from Europe! Your skin is so pale, and your eyes are so big! Oh my, you do look just like a china doll! I bet you have so many different outfits! And a little house! And lots of hats!

    Coworker: *joking* “Actually, she’s a collector’s item. Very rare. A one-off, in fact.”

    Customer, to me: “LIFT UP YOUR HAIR!”

    Me: “Why?!”

    Customer: “I need to see your stamp of authenticity!”

    The Vacation Of A Lifetime, Slightly Exaggerated

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (I check in cruise-line passengers before they board the ship; our port building is clearly on the ground, right off the street.)

    Co-worker: “These are your key cards – they’ll get you onto the ship, and then into your room, and also–”

    Woman: “You mean we’re not on the ship now?”

    Co-worker: “No, ma’am.”

    Woman: “Oh, good, because they sent me pictures and this doesn’t measure up!”

    A Violent, Delicious Meal

    | Maidenhead, UK |

    Customer: *shocked* “This isn’t what I ordered!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but this is haddock and chips. You ordered fish and chips, right?”

    Customer: “No! Definitely not. It was something else.”

    Me: “OK. What did you order?”

    Customer: “I’m not sure. But it was broken.”

    Me: “Broken? Are you sure?”

    Customer: “Yes! It was smashed! Smashed, I tell you! It was smashed!”

    Me: *slowly* “Ah…that’ll be it. It’s battered haddock, ma’am. Battered…in batter…and then deep-fried.”

    Customer: *suddenly regaining her calm* “Oh. Yes, that sounds right.” *smiles and returns to her meal*

    Honoring The Memory Of Purchases Gone By

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (It was the end of my shift, and an elderly woman comes over with two lampshades. They ring in at $3.50, and she pays and takes her bag.)

    Customer: “Can I return these if they don’t fit my lamps?”

    Me: “Of course. Just hold on to your receipt.”

    Customer: “What if I lose them?”

    Me: “We can give you store credit.”

    Customer: “Oh no, that won’t do…”

    Me: “Well…just hold onto your receipt.”

    Customer: “…can I have 5 receipts? I’ll put one in my wallet, one in my purse, one in my fridge, one in my underwear drawer, and one with my husband’s ashes.”

    Me: “…”

    (The woman leaves with her 5 receipts.)

    Co-worker: “That was a really important $3.50.”

    Wired For The Stone Age

    , | San Luis Obispo, CA, USA | Top

    (I walk up to an older man playing with an iPhone in our electronics store.)

    Me: “Hello sir, do you need any help?”

    Customer: “Naw, but I was wondering…why does this darn thing work with my finger, but not my fingernails?”

    Me: “Well, your body has electricity running through it, but your fingernails don’t conduct–”

    Customer: “Electricity in my body? My body?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. We all have electricity running through our bodies.”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! D*** technology! We didn’t have that s*** prancin’ around our bodies in back in my day!”

    Me: “Sir, we’ve always–”

    Customer: “Forget it! What’s the d*** world coming to?” *walks away mumbling*

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