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    There’s Such A Thing As Being Too Into Crafts

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (This took place at a large craft store. This particular day I was stocking the shelves when a lady came up and asked me for help.)

    Customer: “My daughter only has a few months left to live, and she is going to be cremated. I was wondering if you had anything that I could use to make her ashes into a tiara?”

    Me: “…make her…ashes into a tiara?”

    Customer: “Yes. She was a beauty queen, and I’d like to make her ashes into a tiara. Do you have some modeling clay or something I can use?”

    Me: “Oh, do you mean you want to make an urn in the shape of a tiara to hold the ashes?”

    Customer: “No, I want the ashes molded into the shape of a tiara.”

    (I am silent for a moment. The lady stands expectantly, and finally I answer.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I cannot help you. There is no one in this store who can help you. I suggest you go and get help somewhere else.”

    Fifi Lives Another Day

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    (A rich-looking older lady was on vacation from Florida, and stopped by our store.)

    Customer: “Yes, I’m going back home and would like to ship my poodle.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t ship pets here.”

    Customer: “Well, the airlines will over-charge me if you don’t let me. I’ll pay extra.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it is actually illegal for me to ship your poodle. I’m very sorry for the inconvenience.”

    Customer: *getting irate* “What if you poke holes in the box? Can I ship him then?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry if I’m being unclear, but I can’t ship your dog for you. I’m truly sorry.”

    Customer: “Well, I know I’ve shipped my dog here before. Do you really think I would be here if I hadn’t?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know, but I know we can’t do that.”

    Customer: *leaves in a huff*

    (Perhaps I should have offered to bubble-wrap the dog for no extra fee. Then she wouldn’t have to poke holes in the box!)

    One Man’s Art Is Another Man’s Political Agenda

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello, this is **** Video.”

    Customer: “Yes. I would like a refund. This movie is in a different language!”

    Me: “What movie is it?”

    Customer:Pan’s Labyrinth.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. That’s a foreign film. If you’d like, you can comen exchange it for an English-language film.”

    Customer: “Why do they do that?”

    Me: “Do what, sir?”

    Customer: “Make movies in other languages.”

    Me: “It wasn’t made in America, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not giving them immigrants any of my money!”

    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 6

    , | Tacoma, WA, USA |

    (I’m a customer waiting for my pizza and overhear this conversation.)

    Cashier, to another customer: “Hey, what can I get you?”

    Customer: “Just a bottle of water, please.”

    Cashier: “Sure, that’ll come to $1.09.”

    (The customer hands him two dollars, and then pauses.)

    Customer: “Actually, could I get you to exchange these five ones for a five?”

    Cashier: “Sure.”

    Customer: “Oh, wait… can I exchange the two fives for a ten?”

    (This continues for a few minutes until the cashier smiles and says that he has to get back to work helping me, since my pizza is ready. The guy leaves.)

    Me: “People like that always make me nervous. I’ve had bad run-ins with short changers.”

    Cashier: “Yeah, I was wise to his game, though.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah?”

    Cashier: “Yeah. He shorted himself two dollars.”

    Related:
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 5
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 4
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
    Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

    Willy Wonka Goes Bonkas

    | Newcastle, UK |

    (Our shop has a chocolate fountain which we fill up daily, to attract customers who can buy marshmallows to dip into it.)

    Customer: “So, where does the chocolate come from?”

    Me: “… sorry?”

    Customer: “The chocolate for the fountain thing. Where does it come from?”

    Me: “Well, we melt some chocolate, then fill–”

    Customer: “No, where does it COME from? Like the water pipes or something?”

    Me: “No we melt our own–”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me! I know you got a chocolate pipe plugged into that thing! How do you get one!? Where is your manager?”

    (After failing to convince them, the customer leaves angrily. It’s now a running joke in our shop to call the “National Chocolate System” whenever there is a problem.)

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