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    Forensics For Dummies

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I have this group photo. Can you scan it and cut people out?”

    Me: “Yes, to an extent.”

    Customer: “I want the people in the front row taken out so I can see what the guy in the back row is wearing.”

    Me: “Um, it doesn’t work like that.”

    Customer: “Why not? He’s standing right there! If you take these people away, you can see all of him!”

    Me: “If I remove these people from the photo, all that will be left is nothing. Photos are two dimensional, not three dimensional.”

    Customer: “That’s not true! I’ve seen ‘em do it on CSI!”

    Little Know It All Has No Reason To Be Still Waiting

    | Lowell, MA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’d like to make a complaint.”

    Me: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Last night, I came here to see Sum 41 and The Offspring. Sum 41 called some people up onto the stage, but they didn’t know the words!”

    Me: “Wait, you’d like to complain about a random fan a singer picked to come up on stage?!”

    Caller: “Yes! These girls just danced around like fools! I’ve been a fan for years and I know all the words, so why wasn’t I picked to go on stage?”

    Brainless Through The Looking Glass

    | Greensboro, NC, USA | Top

    (I’m stocking milk when I see a customer tapping the mirror that reflects back down on the groceries in the refrigerated section.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I was wondering if you could open this case so I can get to the eggs on the other side?”

    Me: “All the eggs should be in the same place.”

    Customer: “No, I want the ones in the case.”

    (She starts tapping the mirror above the eggs again.)

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s a mirror.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “There are no other eggs, it’s a reflection of the same eggs.”

    Customer: “But I want those eggs!”

    And On The Eighth Day, He Created Fax

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [mortgage company]. How may I assist you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like an application for your assistance program.”

    Me: “Certainly! We’ve actually put the application online for your convenience, so you can complete it and submit it right there on our website.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t use computers. Technology usage is against my religious beliefs. Can you just fax me the application?”

    Me: “Erm…absolutely!”

    MSRP: My Suggested Retail Price

    | Wanganui, New Zealand | Top

    Customer: “Ooh, don’t you have lovely eyes? You’re like a little china doll!”

    Me: “Uh, thanks…is that like a porcelain doll?”

    Customer: “Yes! Yes! A porcelain doll! from Europe! Your skin is so pale, and your eyes are so big! Oh my, you do look just like a china doll! I bet you have so many different outfits! And a little house! And lots of hats!

    Coworker: *joking* “Actually, she’s a collector’s item. Very rare. A one-off, in fact.”

    Customer, to me: “LIFT UP YOUR HAIR!”

    Me: “Why?!”

    Customer: “I need to see your stamp of authenticity!”

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