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    Driving Miss Crazy

    | Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada | Top

    (I was coming home on the bus and overheard a conversation between an elderly lady and the bus driver.)

    Lady: “Oof! Do you mind?! You’re so awful!”

    Bus Driver: “I’m sorry, ma’am? What’s the problem?”

    Lady: “You keep starting and stopping the bus! I keep falling forward and backward, and it’s taking so long for me to get home. It’s getting dark!”

    Bus Driver: “Well, I’m sorry ma’am – I have to stop at the designated stops.”

    Lady: “Stop making excuses! There’s no reason to be doing this. Just ignore the stops!”

    Bus Driver: “So you want me to ignore all the other people wanting to get on the bus?”

    Lady: “Well, yes! Finally you understand! You can go back afterwards and get them! Is it so much to ask for good help anymore?!”

    You No Challenge Tarzan

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    (I often wandered around the store with multiple animals to help socialize them. Most often I would have a rabbit on one shoulder, a parrot on the other and a few hamsters at hand. My boss never cared as long as I did my job and didn’t hurt anyone. I often did get odd looks, though.)

    Me: *walking up to customer* “Finding everything all right?”

    Customer: “…you’re covered in animals.”

    Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

    Customer: *stares for a moment longer* “…can you get me one of the large cages?”

    (I nab a stepladder and get the cage down, managing not to dislodge a single animal on my person.)

    Me: *handing customer the cage* “Here you go.”

    Customer: *looking disappointed* “Oh.” *wanders away*

    Refs -2, Player -4,530,503

    | Coram, NY, USA |

    (I work at an outdoor paintball field where the referees wear bright orange to differentiate ourselves from the players. Standing on the field, I start getting shot at. Patiently, I move and continue watching the game.)

    Player, to coworker: “Ref! Ref! I shot that dude in the orange and he won’t get out!”

    Coworker:¬†”That’s because he’s a referee. Notice the orange?”

    Player:¬†”Oh… okay, so check THIS guy!¬†I just shot him too!”

    Coworker: “That is ALSO a ref.”

    May Contain Scenes Of Gratuitous Bowie

    | London, UK |

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for this movie for my daughter: Pan’s Labyrinth. I heard it was very good.”

    Me: “Yes, it was very good.”

    Customer: “Do you think the girls would like it?”

    Me: “I don’t know, how old are they?”

    Customer: “Nine.”

    Me: “Uh, ma’am, Pan’s Labyrinth isn’t really a kids movie. It’s about the Spanish Civil War.”

    Customer: “The what?”

    Me: “The Spanish Civil War. General Franco. There’s a scene where a man gets his face beaten in.”

    Customer: “But in the previews it looks like a kid’s movie, like that other movie with puppets.”

    Me: “Do you mean Labyrinth?”

    Customer:“Yes!”

    Me: “That may be a better choice, trust me.”

    Customer: *leaves*

    Coworker: “I don’t know if David Bowie’s giant crotch is really safe for kids either…”

    Maybe He’s Molting

    | Springfield, VA, USA | Top

    (Many young couples with young children belong to my pool, and many of them ask a lot of questions. A man leads his 6-year-old son into our guard office.)

    Pool patron: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

    Me: “Yes sir? Can I help you?”

    Pool patron: “I’m very scared my son is in trouble.”

    Me: “Is he okay? Did he hurt himself in the pool? Are there any major injuries?”

    Pool patron: “His skin is all wrinkled and soft. It feels strange. Is it going to fall off?”

    Me: “Sir, that happens to everyone’s skin who has been in water for an extended period of time.”

    Pool patron: “So his skin won’t fall off, right?”

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