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    At Least It Got A Spot-Free Rinse

    | New Hampshire, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to ****! How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my keyboard won’t work.”

    Me: “Okay sir, what happened?”

    Customer: “Well, it got dirty, so I ran it through the dishwasher.”

    Me: “You what?”

    Customer: “Ran it through the dishwasher. I did it once before and it worked. So, can I get a new one?”

    Stupidity On Tap

    | Durham, NC, USA |

    (I get a phone call at about 8:00pm on a weeknight. The caller is a young man, and in the background I hear music and hysterical giggling.)

    Caller: “What time do y’all close?”

    Me: “9 o’clock tonight.”

    Caller: “Oh s***! Umm…OK, can you just ring me up for a keg with my credit card, and then leave it outside?”

    Me: “…the keg?”

    Caller: “Yeah.”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “What? Why?!”

    Me: “…for a variety of reasons.”

    Desktop Hunters And Gatherers

    | Pensacola, FL, USA |

    (A customer is at our electronics store looking at the Macs.)

    Customer: “Is this that Windows Vi-ah-ster?”

    Me: “You mean Windows Vista? No, these are Macs, sir.”

    Customer: “Right, Windows Vista, exactly.”

    Me: “Are you going to buy one?”

    Customer: “Yeah, got anything that’s under $200?”

    Me: “Not in the Apple section, and I really wouldn’t advise you get a $200 Vista rig anyway. It will run slowly.”

    (He goes over, finds a low end rig, and gets it anyway. He’s back a day later.)

    Customer: “Ya, its not workin’.”

    Me: “I told you, why didn’t you listen?”

    Customer: “Oh, I saw two comp-ooh-ters at that price, and the other one looked better.”

    Me: “Looked better… how?”

    Customer: “The paint was shinier.”

    Tip Of The Day: How To Apply For A Federal Bailout

    | New Haven, CT, USA |

    Me: “Alright sir, you’re all set. Anything else I can do for you today?”

    Bank customer: *jokingly* “Yeah, you can deposit a million dollars into my account.”

    Me: “Sir, if I had a dollar for every time someone said that, I’d have a million dollars.”

    Bank customer: *hangs up laughing*

    If Nincompoop, Then Infinite Loop, Part 2

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    Customer: “I need to fill up my truck.”

    Me: “Alright, how much gas would you like?”

    Customer: “Enough to fill up my truck.”

    Me: “Sir, I need to know how much gas you’d like to buy.”

    Customer: “Why is this so hard? You tell me how much gas I need, and I give you the money!”

    Me: “Each vehicle’s different, sir. How am I supposed to know how much it’ll take to fill up your particular vehicle?”

    Customer: “Look at your book!”

    Me: “…my book?”

    Customer: “Yes, the book! Look up my truck and tell me how much gas to get!”

    (My assistant manager comes over to see what all the fuss is about.)

    Assistant manager: “How about you give us $20 for the gas? If you need more, you can come back, and if it’s too much, we’ll refund you.”

    Customer: “Aw, forget it. I’ll just circle around the pumps.”

    (…which is what he did for several minutes before driving off.)

    Related:
    If Nincompoop, Then Infinite Loop

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