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    On Second Thought, Mom’s Probably Been Hitting Her Head Too

    , | Amarillo, TX, USA |

    (A woman with a newborn baby walks into the store looking a little disoriented and heads towards the baby swings.)

    Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, my child keeps falling out of the swing and hitting her head. Why is that?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, your swing must be defective. Your baby shouldn’t be able to fall out if she’s buckled in and the tray is secured.”

    Customer: “You mean I have to put the tray on?!”

    Jurassic Farce

    | Florida, USA | Top

    Customer: “I need some help locating the item that this coupon advertises. I’ve looked everywhere and just can’t find it.”

    Me: “Let’s see if I can help you here…” *looks at the coupon* “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t sell this item anymore.”

    Customer: “Why not? I have a coupon for it. I wanted to get it for my husband for his birthday next week.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this coupon was expired fifteen years ago. They no longer make this product.”

    Customer: “Can’t you go look for one? I really need it, it would be perfect for him.”

    Me: “…sure! It just so happens that I developed a machine that can warp the space/time continuum. Would you like to accompany me on the trip or would you like to stay here?”

    Customer: “REALLY? Thank you so much! I’ll stay here and wait for you.”

    (I go into the back room for a couple of minutes to let my manager know what I’m about to do, then come back out running.)

    Me: “MA’AM! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I MESSED UP AND WENT BACK TOO FAR! I ENDED UP GOING BACK TO THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THERE’S A PISSED-OFF VELOCIRAPTOR RIGHT BEHIND ME!”

    Customer: “OH NO! I’LL GO CALL THE POLICE!” *runs out of the store*

    (I went back to my manager after the customer ran off, and he was literally rolling on the ground laughing.)

    Put Your Liquor Where Your Mouth Is

    | Stuttgart, Germany |

    (I work at the hotel bar, and at the time was the only one on duty. Two days before I’d jammed my fingers in a door and as such couldn’t use my left hand properly, and was wearing a bandage so the guests would see. We also shake our drinks using a shaker and glass so the customers get a bit of a show.)

    Customer: “I’d like a Sex on the Beach, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t make any shaken drinks at the moment since I can’t use my left hand.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, can you make something else that’s shaken?”

    Me: “Um, no. My hand is injured, and shaking one-handed isn’t a good idea.”

    Customer: “You just don’t know how to make the drink, do you? Trying to get away with something simple?”

    Me: *proceed to tell him the recipe of several shaken drinks* “…but I can’t do that because of my hand.”

    Customer: “I bet you I could shake one-handed. You’re just inept.”

    Me: “If you can do that, the drink’s on the house, but I won’t be responsible for any damages or spills.”

    Customer: “I’ve got a free drink then.”

    (He tries to shake it, and inevitably screws up, breaking the glass and spilling ingredients all over himself.)

    Customer: “I want a refund!” *storms out*

    Stop, Drop & Service The Customer

    | Bournemouth, UK |

    (The fire alarm began to go off, and an old woman came up to my counter.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store, there appears to be a fire upstairs.”

    Customer: “But I want to buy these shoes…”

    Me: “If the fire is contained then you can come back in and buy them later.”

    Customer: “Can you check if you have them in my size?”

    Me: “That’s where the fire is – can you please leave the building now? It’s dangerous to be in here!”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous, all I want you to do is check if you have it in my size!”

    Me: “So let me get this straight: you want me to go upstairs into a burning part of the building, to see if we have some shoes in your size, which are probably currently on fire?”

    Customer: “Is that so much to ask?”

    Me: “Get out.”

    The Fine Art Of Firing A Customer

    | Fremont, CA, USA | Top

    (A friend of mine who manages a self storage facility has a troublemaking customer that he has been trying to get rid of. One day, the customer comes up asking about a promotional offer.)

    Customer: “Hi, I saw on your website that you have storage for $100, but I’m paying $130.”

    Manager: “Yeah, that’s a promotional rate.”

    Customer: “Well, can I get that rate?”

    Manager: “I can’t just change people’s rates. It’s only for new customers to that space.”

    Customer: “Well, can I just move into that storage?”

    Manager: “You can’t just move it from one storage to the other and get the new rate. You would have to have everything out because I can’t vacate it until it’s empty.”

    Customer: “That’s fine. I’ll move this Saturday.”

    (The customer moves out the following Saturday, gets everything loaded into their truck then stops by the office.)

    Customer: “Alright, I moved everything out of my storage.”

    Manager: “That’s great. Now, get out.”

    Customer: “What? Can I get that other storage?”

    Manager: “Well, I looked at your past history with the company and you’ve been consistently late and rude to other customers. I’m afraid we’re going to deny the new rental. My manager wouldn’t let me evict you but you moved out yourself, so everything’s good.”

    Customer: “But I have all my things taken off the property! Where am I going to put them?”

    Manager: “Anywhere but here.”

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