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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Pint-Sized Purification

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    Caller: “Hi, do you have any doctors that prescribe detox drugs?”

    Me: “No, we don’t provide that service.”

    Caller: “How do you know? You have lots of doctors. How do you know?!”

    Me: “We don’t specialize in addiction treatment. Our doctors aren’t that type of practitioner.”

    Caller: “Why?! What if I need them to be?”

    Me: “Well, then you would have to call another office.”

    Caller: “What kind of doctor’s don’t prescribe detox meds?!”

    Me: “Pediatricians…”

    Caller: “Oh!” *hangs up phone*

    The Caffeine Makes Us Clingy

    | Beaverton, OR, USA |

    Me: “Hi! What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I’d like an iced grande breve.”

    Me: “A latte?”

    Customer: “I don’t have to say latte!”

    Me: “I know what you mean, ma’am, but you should be careful. If you order that somewhere else, you might just get a cup of iced half and half.”

    Customer: “I don’t have to order like that at [ice cream store]!

    Me: “Ah–”

    Customer: “They’re less needy at [ice cream store]! It takes too much effort to get what I want here! GROW UP!”

    Paging Dr. Cold Cut

    | Laramie, WY, USA |

    Me: “Would you like chips or a drink with your sandwich?”

    Customer: *surprised* “What?!”

    Me: “Would you like chips or a drink?”

    Customer: *shocked* “What did you say?”

    Me: *slowly* “I asked if you would like to have chips or a drink with your sandwich.”

    Customer: “OOOOOOH! I thought you asked if I would like to have surgery with my sub!”

    Fifi Feels The Sting Of Government Bailouts

    , | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. This is ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I just went to the drive-thru at the bank’s **** location, and they were very rude!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry. Please explain what happened.”

    Customer: “I go there every day, and they always give my dog a doggy biscuit. Today they didn’t give him a biscuit!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. What else happened?”

    Customer: “Well…that’s it, but I always have my dog with me and they always give him a treat. They told me they’re not doing that anymore!”

    Me: “It’s not a requirement for the bank branches to give treats to customers’ pets.”

    Customer: “I’m going to close my account if they don’t start giving out treats again!”

    Me: “That is your decision to make. But again, it is not a requirement for a bank branch to give your dog treats.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *click*

    Two For The Price Of Dumb

    | Grand Junction, CO, USA |

    Customer: “I saw this same cord at [competitor] for $15. Why is it $20 here?”

    Me: “I don’t know, maybe they’re having a sale? I don’t set the prices.”

    Customer: “Well, will you price match?”

    Me: “If you can provide documentation, sure, I’ll do it.”

    Customer: “So if I bring in the receipt that shows $15 at [competitor], I can get it here for $15?”

    Me: “…so you want to go to [competitor], buy it for $15, and then come here to buy it again so that we can match their price?”

    Customer: “Yes. Will you match that?”

    Me: “Sure, why not?”

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