• A Pain In The Nugget
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  • October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

    Enough To Make You Quai

    | Florida, USA | Health & Body, Language & Words, Uncategorized

    (I am trying to help a customer with a product while she is talking on the phone to her friend. Every time she asks me a question, she would go back to talking to her friend while I gave her the answer so I would have to repeat myself.)

    Customer: “Do you have something that will help me with my period?”

    Me: “Dong Quai.”

    Customer: “I’m not crying!”

    Me: “No, the product is called Dong Quai.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Not Quite Hammering A Point Home

    | Wisconsin, USA | Family & Kids, Language & Words, Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “My daughter is having her birthday in a few days. Do you do kids’ birthday parties?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “Do you come to people’s homes dressed up for kids’ birthday parties?  I was hoping for a princess theme.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I believe you have to wrong number. This is a home improvement store.”

    Caller: “No, I do not have the wrong number! I was told you do kids’ birthday parties!”

    Me: “Uh, well…in our grocery department we sell candles. And cake mix. And frosting.”

    Caller: “Oh, wonderful! Do you have decorations you could bring too?”

    Me: “I’m not going to bring anything, but you could come in to our store to buy the cake supplies and some decorations from our wall-coverings department.”

    Caller: “You have specific departments for kids’ birthdays? That’s wonderful! Where are you located and what are your hours?”

    Me: “Ma’am, like I said before, you called a home improvement store. We, unfortunately, do not provide entertainment for children’s birthday parties, but we are located at [address] and our store hours are 6:30 AM to 10 PM.”

    Caller: “Just perfect, you’ve been so helpful!  Have a wonderful day!” *hangs up*

    Unlisted But Booked

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Uncategorized

    Me: “Thanks for calling, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Could you make my phone number unlisted?”

    Me: “Well, sir, I’ve got good news. Cellphone numbers aren’t listed in the phone book.”

    Caller: “No, I mean make it so that if someone calls you guys and gives you my number, you won’t give them any information.”

    Me: “Oh, well in that case you should know that we value our customers’ privacy. We would never give out any of your personal information to anyone who calls us.”

    Caller: “Even if it’s the cops?”

    Swords On A Plane

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

    (A man going through security is stopped when the x-ray reveals that he has a full-length sword in his carry on luggage.)

    Me: “Sir, what are you doing with this sword?”

    Customer: “It’s a souvenir. It’s not even sharp.”

    Me: “This can in no way go on board a plane.”

    Customer: “But it’s not even sharp!”

    Me: “You’re going to need to come with me. Anything like this, whether it’s a souvenir or not, should have been placed in your checked luggage.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe this! It’s not a real sword! And it’s not even sharp?! Do I look stupid to you?”

    Me: “You look like a person trying to bring a sword onto a plane.”

    Freedom Of Screech

    | North Carolina, USA | Religion, School, Top

    (I’m an Admissions Officer and am working at a college fair. We are not religiously affiliated. I run into an alum.)

    Me: “Hi, is your daughter interested in [college]?”

    Alum: “I’m an alum. Class of ’83.”

    Me: “Fantastic!  I’m Class of ’04. Can I answer any questions for you?”

    Alum: “I won’t be letting my daughter look here. I have some issues with how [college] is being run. God is not happy with you, and neither am I.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. If you’d like, I’d be happy to take your comment back to the Vice President of-”

    Alum: “Are you aware that you let in students with liberal views and speakers with socialist leanings?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have a great deal of speakers on campus with a variety of view points.”

    Alum: “The school has gone downhill since we let in those people! So I’ve stopped giving money. You can take that back to them. You’ll no longer see my $25 a year.”

    Me: “Ma’am, as an alum myself, I’m proud to have graduated from a school that encourages both freedom of thought and speech in our students and speakers.”

    Alum: “You don’t need freedom of speech if you let Jesus think for you.”

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