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    Refs -2, Player -4,530,503

    | Coram, NY, USA |

    (I work at an outdoor paintball field where the referees wear bright orange to differentiate ourselves from the players. Standing on the field, I start getting shot at. Patiently, I move and continue watching the game.)

    Player, to coworker: “Ref! Ref! I shot that dude in the orange and he won’t get out!”

    Coworker:¬†”That’s because he’s a referee. Notice the orange?”

    Player:¬†”Oh… okay, so check THIS guy!¬†I just shot him too!”

    Coworker: “That is ALSO a ref.”

    May Contain Scenes Of Gratuitous Bowie

    | London, UK |

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for this movie for my daughter: Pan’s Labyrinth. I heard it was very good.”

    Me: “Yes, it was very good.”

    Customer: “Do you think the girls would like it?”

    Me: “I don’t know, how old are they?”

    Customer: “Nine.”

    Me: “Uh, ma’am, Pan’s Labyrinth isn’t really a kids movie. It’s about the Spanish Civil War.”

    Customer: “The what?”

    Me: “The Spanish Civil War. General Franco. There’s a scene where a man gets his face beaten in.”

    Customer: “But in the previews it looks like a kid’s movie, like that other movie with puppets.”

    Me: “Do you mean Labyrinth?”

    Customer:“Yes!”

    Me: “That may be a better choice, trust me.”

    Customer: *leaves*

    Coworker: “I don’t know if David Bowie’s giant crotch is really safe for kids either…”

    Maybe He’s Molting

    | Springfield, VA, USA | Top

    (Many young couples with young children belong to my pool, and many of them ask a lot of questions. A man leads his 6-year-old son into our guard office.)

    Pool patron: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

    Me: “Yes sir? Can I help you?”

    Pool patron: “I’m very scared my son is in trouble.”

    Me: “Is he okay? Did he hurt himself in the pool? Are there any major injuries?”

    Pool patron: “His skin is all wrinkled and soft. It feels strange. Is it going to fall off?”

    Me: “Sir, that happens to everyone’s skin who has been in water for an extended period of time.”

    Pool patron: “So his skin won’t fall off, right?”

    Ah, Grandmothers

    , | Ohio, USA |

    (I was working in the fitting room and overheard an obviously frustrated grandmother and her 7 year old granddaughter yelling at each other.)

    Grandmother: “Put on your d*** pants!”

    Girl: “No! I don’t want to!”

    Grandmother: “1…2…3…”

    Girl: “Nooooo! I hate you!”

    Grandmother: “Well, I hate you too, so we’re even!”

    Related:
    Ah, Mothers
    Ah, Fathers
    Ah, Fathers, Part 2

    A Blasphemer In The Church Of Chocolate

    | Anchorage, AK, USA |

    Me: “Merry Christmas!”

    Customer: “That’s just garbage!”

    Me: “Happy Hanukkah?”

    Customer: “None of that s*** means anything!”

    Me: *still trying to be cheerful* “All the chocolate is half-off
    tomorrow!”

    Customer: “I don’t like chocolate!” *glares*

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