November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

A Large Can Of Whoop-A** And A Side Of Just Desserts

| Australia | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

(Around my restaurant area a lot of kids hang out, most of whom are the unfavorable type. This day in particular, one of them decides to open the door and swear at everyone inside/)

Kid: “All of you are f***ing b****es!”

(We ignore it and try to continue work as if nothing happened.)

Kid: “F*** you, f***ing pigs!”

(We ignore it again and this repeats for another two times. I am getting very annoyed.)

Kid: “Girls should stay in the kitchen!”

Me: “Hey, stop that or I’ll call security.”

Kid: *looks at me up and down* “Whatever! I bet you want to do me, don’t you?”

(The kid continues to talk dirty and make gestures to me, so I cut it off there.)

Me: “Get out of here before I start breaking your legs.”

(The kid looks shocked, probably because he didn’t expect anyone to snap back at him. He runs away. My co-worker, boss and everyone else in the restaurant applaud and we get back into business. About 20 minutes later, the kid comes back with his mother.)

Mother: “Look, my son told me you threatened to break his legs! I’m reporting you to the police!”

Me: “Did he also tell you he was harassing us?”

Mother: “He told me he was talking to people when you–" *pushes index finger into my chest* "–threatened to break his legs!”

Me: “I can tell you, now, Ma’am. He was harassing me and the customers.”

Mother: “Lies! I’ll charge you for threatening a child!”

Me: “Yes, then I’ll sue him for harassment, sexual harassment and disturbing the peace.”

(The mother looks at the kid with horror on her face but doesn’t give up just yet.)

Mother: “You have no proof my son did that! I’ll charge you for psychological damages!”

Me: “I have plenty of proof on our cameras.” *I point to camera in the back corner, and then to the one at the front* “I also have a room full of witnesses who can give testimony on what he said and did.”

Mother: *stands on her spot stunned*

Me: “So do you want your can of whoop-a** here, or shall I serve it to you in court?”

This Call Has Been Terminated

| Wisconsin, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology, Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How may I assist you?”

Caller: “Well, first of all, you can get a real life person on the line.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Sir, I can assure you, I am an actual person.”

Caller: “No, no, no! Don’t play that crap with me. I know how advanced you machines are getting these days. You–”

Me: “Sir, I promise you, I am not a machine.”

Caller: “See! You couldn’t even tell the right place to start talking! That, and that pause before you responded is all I needed to hear to know for sure. Yeah, that’s right! I know how to read you things. What do you have to say to that, you worthless box of microchips?”

Me: *long pause* “Beep?”

Love Thy Culturally Homogenous Neighbor

| Orlando, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Religion, Uncategorized

Me: “I hope you’ve found everything to your liking!”

Customer: “Oh, thank you, I have! It’s so nice to meet a polite Christian girl nowadays! You know, it’s always best to love thy neighbor.”

Me: “Oh, actually, I’m not Christian. But yes, I agree.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, as long as you love Jesus our savior!”

Me: “Actually, I’m Muslim and Jewish.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Well, my mother is Jewish and my father is Muslim.”

Customer: “Oh. When I said ‘love thy neighbor,’ I didn’t mean you!”

South Of The Border Of Intelligence

| Illinois, USA | Language & Words, Uncategorized

(I’ve just answered a customer’s question in Spanish. Another customer has apparently heard it.)

Customer: “Wow, you don’t even look Mexican!

Me: “Well, that’s because I’m not.”

Customer: “But you just talked to that woman in Spanish!”

Me: “My father is Puerto Rican, so I’m pretty fluent.”

Customer: “You’re not Mexican?”

Me: “No. I’m American. Shall we go ahead with your transaction?”

Customer: “Wow. Your English is excellent. No trace of a Mexican accent.”

Me: *jokingly* “Well, it’s pretty hard to have a Mexican accent if you’ve never been to Mexico.”

Customer: *winking* “Right.” *looks around* “Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me.”

Build Up Of Hot Air

| Wellington, New Zealand | Math & Science, Uncategorized

(Our store is mostly outdoors, but it has a small greenhouse where cafe customers often sit and have coffee.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I would like to sit in the greenhouse. Could you open a vent for me?”

Me: “Actually, when it’s windy like today it rattles a lot when the doors are open, so you might be more comfortable with them closed.”

Customer: “But we can’t sit in there without ventilation. What about the greenhouse gas?!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “Greenhouse gas! Like global warming! You can’t let people sit in there if you’re letting the greenhouse gas build up!”