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    Can I Have Some Nuts With That

    | Annapolis Valley, NS, Canada | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Funny Names

    (The customer spends several minutes staring at a selection of fudge, trying to decide which one she wants. Her daughter is standing in line with her.)

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a piece of caramel chocolate squirrel.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Daughter: “Mooommm!”

    Customer: “What?”

    Daughter: “It’s chocolate caramel swirl! I don’t think we want a chocolate caramel squirrel.”

    A Smooth Transaction

    | Chesterfield, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

    (Around 2 a.m, a man comes in and is searching up and down the aisle I am stocking.)

    Me: "Hello sir, can I help you find anything?"

    Customer: "No, it’s much too embarrassing to ask for."

    Me: "Okay, well let me know."

    (He walks away and continues searching. Five minutes later he’s back.)

    Customer: "I’ve decided I don’t care how embarrassing it is."

    Me: "Okay."

    Customer: "Where’s the lube!?"

    Lack Of Support Is A Hot Topic

    , | United Kingdom | Health & Body, Top

    (It’s about 32C (89F) outside, so pretty hot. A fairly large lady comes into the shop wearing an enormous, thick fleece sweater and comes up to a colleague and myself at the desk.)

    Customer: “Warm today!”

    Me: “Certainly is! Can we help you?”

    Customer: “I need an outfit for a wedding. But now I’m here I think I’m too hot to try on clothes. Here, feel how hot I am!”

    (Before I can stop her, she grabs my hand from the desk and wipes it across her very, very sweaty forehead. I’m speechless.)

    Customer: “See?!”

    Me: *trying to discreetly wipe my hand on my leg* “Yes, you’re clearly very hot indeed. Maybe you could find some clothes and try them at home? You can return them, that’s no problem.”

    Customer: “Oh, I may as well now I’m here. I could also do with being measured for a new bra. Have you got any fitters in today?”

    (My colleague, who is the store’s lingerie specialist, suddenly goes wide-eyed and jumps in immediately.)

    Colleague: “I… No. No, we do not! Not today.”

    Pretext To Argue

    | Dundee, UK | Extra Stupid

    (I work in for a directory enquiries company, and if a customer is calling from a cellular phone, I can text them the number requested free of charge.)

    Me: “[Directory Enquiries], what number please?”

    Customer: “I called a few minutes ago and your useless colleague said he’d text me a number and he didn’t. I’d like a
    refund!”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry about that, ma’am, could you tell me the number you were looking for so I can find it first of all?”

    (The customer tells me the business.)

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, it was myself that you spoke to a few minutes ago, and I did text you the number.”

    Customer: “Well I didn’t get it. There must be a problem with your system! Give me a refund!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t offer refunds on the text service as it’s free of charge. I have just sent it again, so you should receive two texts now.”

    Customer: “Well give me a refund for the call then! This is unacceptable! Your system is screwed!”

    Me: “We have received no other complaints regarding the text service today, so I would suggest that you make a call to your service provider as it sounds like there’s traffic congestion on your network.”

    Customer: “Traffic congestion? But I’m not even driving!”

    So Stupid He Could Kick Himself

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Top, Wild & Unruly

    Customer: "What sort of fuel economy does this one have?"

    Me: "Sir, you’re in the wrong lot. That’s another customer’s car."

    Customer: "So this one’s reserved? What about the blue one over there?"

    Me: "You need to go back to the front of the building. These are all the cars that other customers drove here in."

    Customer: "Wait, what? So I can just drive them?"

    Me: "No. You can test drive a specific unit of each of our models, but these cars belong to other people."

    Customer: "So you’re just going to deprive me of everything? Fine! I’m leaving!"

    (He kicks another car on the way out.)

    Customer: "Wait… f***! That’s mine!”

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