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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Closing The Barn Door After The Udders Have Gotten Out

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Top

    (A customer comes into our swimsuit store wearing one of our swimsuits, dripping wet. She’s obviously come straight from the pool.)

    Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a refund for this suit. It’s defective!”

    Me: “What’s the problem with it?”

    (Without hesitating, the customer pulls down the front of the suit, flashing her top to me, the store, and the security cameras. The rest of the customers clear out. She’s attempting to show me that the removable cup liners in the bra have curled up.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not a defect. It just curled up. You can straighten it out yourself, or you can go into our changeroom, take off the suit. I’ll fix it and you can put it back on.”

    Customer: “But this suit is defective! I need a refund!”

    (My supervisor comes over and she flashes the store again to show the “defect”.)

    Supervisor: “That’s not a defect, and as it’s clearly posted, there are no refunds on swimwear.”

    Customer: “So I’m just out $90 then? I demand a refund! I did not waste my money on a defective suit!”

    Me: “Those liners are removable. We can just take them out and they won’t roll up on you any more.”

    Customer: “What?! I’ll show my nipples to the whole f***ing pool!”

    Maxed Out Wallets, Bankrupt Brains

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Hello, I’m calling about a bill your [credit card] that you haven’t paid in two months.”

    Customer: “I don’t even have this card.”

    Me: “Well, is this your address?” *asks address*

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “And is this your correct phone number?” *asks phone number*

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “May I verify the last four digits of your social?”

    Customer: “Yes, it’s ****.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s what we have. Were your last charges at [dentist] and with your phone company on [date]?”

    Customer: “Why, yes, I did go there on those dates.”

    Me: “So, you used this card.”

    Customer: “No, I cut up this card. I don’t have it anymore.”

    Me: “Well, the account is still open and you’re still responsible for the money you owe.”

    Customer: “No, I cut up the card! I don’t owe anything!”

    Me: “You have a balance of $2000 on the card. Even when you cut the card up, you still owe what you spent.”

    Customer: “Really?!”

    Much Ado About Nothing

    | Iowa, USA |

    Library patron: “How much is this book?”

    Me: “Well, according to the price on the back it looks like it costs about $27.00. However, the actual price may vary depending on where you buy it.”

    Library patron: “Wow, that is a lot of money.”

    Me: “Yea, kind of.”

    Library patron: “Okay, well…I’ll take it,”

    Me: “Okay, I will need your library card and I can check it out to you.”

    Library patron: “Oh, I want to write a check.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we don’t sell books here. This is a library, so you borrow them.”

    Library patron: “So you are not going to sell me this book?”

    Me: “No, but I will gladly let you check it out if you have a library card.”

    Library patron: “What kind of store is this?”

    Me: “It isn’t a store…it’s a library.”

    Library patron: “So you really won’t sell me this book?”

    Me: “No, I cannot sell you that book.”

    Library patron: “Fine! I’ll take my money elsewhere!”

    Me: “Nice doing business with you!”

    On A Tight Leash

    | Albany, NY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my cable box is doing that tiling thing.”

    Me: “I can help you with that. Let’s try and reboot the box. I need you to unplug it.”

    Customer: “My wife is recording a show. Will that be affected?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, yes. If you unplug the box, the DVR will stop recording.”

    Customer: “Do you think I should should wait, and call back later when it’s done?”

    Me: *chuckles* “That depends on how much trouble you’ll get in with your wife.”

    Customer: *laughs nervously* “Yeah, you’re right. She’ll lock me in the basement again…I’ll wait, thank you.”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    He’s Got The Look

    | Ireland |

    Male Customer: “Excuse me, could I get some boyfriend jeans?”

    Me: “Sorry, what?”

    Customer: “You know, the baggy jeans – ‘boyfriend’ jeans.” *looks at me like I’m stupid*

    Me: “You mean…normal jeans?”

    Customer: *adamantly* “NO! My girlfriend calls them ‘boyfriend’ jeans.”

    Me: “She’s female…for guys they’re just ‘jeans’…”

    Customer: “Well, whatever they are, can you get me a pair?”

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