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    The Aircraft Carrier Kind of Gives It Away

    | Maryland, USA | Military

    (This was at a government office on a Navy base.)

    Me: “***Program Office, *** speaking. Can I help you?”

    Caller: “Can I speak to the homeowner?”

    Me: “Sir, this is a naval base, not a residence.”

    Caller: “Are you sure?!”

    Those Pesky Survival Instincts

    | Wyoming, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for coming to **** National Park. I hope you enjoy your stay.”

    Customer: “Thank you. Can I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Customer: “When do you let the animals out?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “When do you let the animals out?”

    Me: “It’s a national park, ma’am.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “The animals are wild.”

    Customer: “All of them?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s not very safe!” *walks away*

    Misery Loves, Demands And Harasses Company

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A woman approaches the check-out, hauling her two kids with her.)

    Customer: “Ugh! Don’t ever have kids, they ruin your life!”

    Me: “Um, well, I don’t really plan to…”

    Customer: “What? Why not?”

    Me: “Um…I don’t know, I guess I don’t want any…”

    Customer: “What?! How old are you?”

    Me: “Twenty-three.”

    Customer: “What if you have an accident? Then you’ll HAVE to have them!”

    Deceptive Desserts

    | Florida, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but I have a complaint to make.”

    Me: “Oh, sure. What’s the matter?”

    Customer: “I heard a group of teenagers over there talking, and they said the cake that you serve is a lie.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “What exactly do you have to say for yourselves?! I come in here, expecting to find a decent establishment, only to find out you are selling fake food!!”

    Me: “Um, ma’am. They were repeating a popular phrase from the internet. I can assure you, the cake that we sell very much exists.”

    Customer: “Prove it! Show me this cake.”

    Me: *points*

    Customer: “Oh. In that case you should write a letter to the internet about how they’re making up rumors about your products.”

    Me: “I’ll… I’ll do that. Thank you.”

    Related: The Cake Is A Lie (urbandictionary.com)

    Be Sure They Turn Left At The Bering Strait

    | Utah, USA |

    (A man calls in and leaves the following voicemail…)

    Caller: “Hello, you shysters! You have forty-eight hours to call me or I’ll have the RCMP come and arrest you for fraud. That’s right, the Mounties are coming!”

    Me, to manager: “So, a man is going to have the Mounties arrest me.”

    Manager: “Really. Can they do that?”

    Me: “Not in Utah.”

    Manager: *laughs*

    Me: “It gets better. I gave him the support number and the only people answering phones are in Australia or New Zealand. I’d like to see him sic the Mounties on THEM.”

    Manager: “Let me know if he does!”

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