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    Size Matters Of The Heart

    | Attleboro, MA, USA | Top

    (A customer and his wife came in to look for a TV to buy.)

    Me: “Well, we have this 52″ Toshiba…”

    Husband: *to his wife* “Well, bigger is always better. Right, hon?”

    Wife: “I wouldn’t know…”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Perhaps You Can Blame A Guy For Trying

    | Guelph, Ontario, Canada |

    (On Tuesdays, we have a buy-one-get-one-free deal on medium pizzas. The day this exchange happened was a Thursday.)

    Me: “Welcome to ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like a medium pepperoni pizza please.”

    Me: “OK then. Can I get you anything else?”

    Customer: “Well, I wasn’t here on Tuesday, so I was wondering if I could get my second free pizza today?”

    Me: “Well, the deal is only applicable on Tuesdays, so I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

    Customer: “OK. Well, I won’t be here next Tuesday, so can I get my free one from then?”

    Me: “I’m very sorry sir, but the deal on is only available on TUESDAYS.”

    Customer: “OK, I’ll be back in a bit to get my pizza.”

    (He leaves, then comes back ten minutes later.)

    Customer: “So…say I woke up this morning and thought it was Tuesday?”

    Me: “…”

    There Are No Crimes, Only Unbelievably Well-Timed Accidents

    | Missouri, USA | Top

    Me: “[Law office], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson. He was arrested for stealing a car.”

    Me: “Okay, can you give me details?”

    Caller: “Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”

    Me: “What kind of car did he steal?”

    Caller: “A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty…”

    Me: “Okay, and what type of car does he have?”

    Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think I can help you.”

    Random Acts Of Whininess

    | New Jersey, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, what is that stuff in your greek salad? Gor-gon-zalla?”

    Me: “Gorgonzola. It is a type of cheese.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, can I get a Diet Coke?”

    Me: “Sorry, we only have Diet Pepsi.”

    Customer: *suddenly angry* “Let me see your manager, NOW!”

    (I retreat to the back and send up my manager. He has a three minute round with the customer. The customer departs, yelling, “I’m gonna sue you and your whole d*** company!” before storming out the door.)

    Me: “What was he so mad about?”

    Manager: “I was about to ask you the same thing. What did he ask you for?”

    Me: “Cheese on our Greek salad and diet soda. What was he talking to you about?”

    Manager: “The speed-dating event that was held here last night.”

    Baby On Board; Mother, Not So Much

    | Apex, NC, USA |

    (A woman comes up to our movie theater with four small girls and a baby in a carrier.)

    Customer: “Hi, four children and one adult to Hannah Montana, please.”

    Me: “All right, that’ll be $32.00.”

    Customer: *rummages around in her purse* “Oh, shoot! I’ve forgotten my wallet in the car. I’ll be right back.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem.”

    Customer: “Girls, you stay here with the nice lady…” *looks at me* “Should I leave the baby here, or take it with me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, please take your infant with you!”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Girls, be good!”

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