(I have to talk to many different dentists through the day. The old ones speak in a very old-fashioned Norwegian.)
Me: "[Company name] this is [my name]. How may I help you?"
Client: "Yes, you see, my customer just left, and I forgot to take a copy of his bill. Could you send me a new one?"
Me: "Sure miss, but I can see you live quite the distance from here, may I suggest calling the customer to get it back, or get the numbers? I am quite sure it’ll be easier for you."
Client: "But you don’t understand! He just left!"
Me: "I understand miss. I still believe it would be easier for you if you just called the customer though."
Client: "What part of ‘he just left’ is so hard to understand? He left!”
Me: "I see, I’m sorry if I bothered you with my opinions. I’m printing out a copy of the bill right as we speak, and it’ll be out by tomorrow at noon."
Client: "Good. That’s alright then.” *mumbles to herself* “…asking me to call his widow for the bill. Outrageous."
Me: "Widower? Excuse me miss, but is your customer dead?"
Client: "Oh, so now you get it, huh? I told you he left!"
Me: “Hello, may I please speak to Jane Doe?”
Customer: “Which one? One’s my wife and one’s my sister.”
Me: “Jane L. Doe.”
Customer: “That’s my sister. She’s a crackhead. We don’t associate with her anymore. She still owes me hundreds of dollars.”
Me: “Well, do you know anyone who could get in touch with her? Maybe your parents?”
Customer: “My parents don’t talk to her anymore either. And even if they did, I don’t want to hassle them over my good-for-nothing crackhead of a sister. Why do you want to talk to her?”
Me: “I need to speak with her regarding the property on [address].”
Customer: “That’s my house. What Jane Doe did you say you were looking for?”
Me: “Jane L Doe.”
Customer: “Oh, that’s my wife. She’s not a crackhead. She’s at church.”
(After my shift, I am shopping in the store I work at. I am not wearing my name tag, but still wearing a plain blue polo and black slacks.)
Customer: “Excuse me! You work here, don’t you?”
Me: “Well, yeah but not right now I actually just–”
Customer: “Can you find these shoes for me?”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m done for the day. I just clocked out.”
Customer: “Then what are you doing here?”
Me: “I’m shopping too.”
Customer: “You shouldn’t be allowed to do that!”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “You guys shouldn’t be allowed to shop while normal people are shopping! I want to speak to your manager!”
(I’m working at a football stadium at a Bon Jovi concert. A drunk customer orders a water.)
Customer: “Why can I not have the cap to this!?”
Me: “It’s policy that we can’t give them to you. People used to throw full bottles onto the field and stages during events and it’s a safety hazard for the performers, athletes, and other members of the audience.”
Customer: *absolutely serious* “Why would ANYONE want to throw ANYTHING at Bon Jovi?!”
(I am stocking shelves, a customer comes up asking for assistance to find an item.)
Customer: “I need to find some Eight O’s corn.”
Me: “I’m not familiar with that brand, ma’am, but I will do my best to help. Are you looking for corn that is fresh, frozen or canned?”
Customer: “How am I supposed to know that? It’s Eight O’s corn!”
Me: “Well, is it cold?”
Me: “It is probably in our frozen section, then. Let’s go take a look.”
(After pointing out our selection of frozen corn, she picks up a bag of store brand frozen corn excitedly.)
Customer: “This is it! Eight O’s!”
(I look at the item and see she has picked up an 8 oz. bag).