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    Pinheaded, Part 2

    | Massachusetts, USA | Top

    (I’m a greenskeeper on a golf course and am doing some work on a green, moving the hole. I pull the pin (flag) out, which is the universal symbol for “the green is closed, don’t shoot”. As I’m doing my work, this happens…)

    Member: “Fore on the green! Fore on the green!”

    (I look up to see blue sky and a little white speck flying at me. I turn my back and the golf ball hits me square in my one good kidney. I drop like a bag of potatoes, and the member casually strolls up to the green.)

    Member: “Are you ok?”

    Me: “No, I need to get to a hospital, it hit my good kidney.”

    Member: “What the h*** were you doing on the green? You’re not supp–”

    Me: “Did you just hear me? I need an ambulance!”

    Member: “Don’t interrupt me, you little a**hole! Now move so I can putt!”

    (I grab my radio and get my superintendent, who rushes out in his cart on the phone with 911. After he hangs up, he turns to the member.)

    Superintendent: “Didn’t you see the pin was down?! You could have killed him!

    Member: “He shouldn’t be on the green during play! It’s his own fault!”

    (They continue arguing for a few moments until the ambulance shows up. As the EMT is getting me on a stretcher, she asks the member…)

    EMT: “If the pin was down, what were you aiming for?”

    Member: “Him.”

    Superintendent: “You aimed… for him?”

    Member: “I figured he’d be close to the hole. I mean… the pin was down! I had to aim for something!”

    Superintendent: “You’re a f***ing idiot!”

    (I found out later that the member was kicked out of the country club, and his $50,000 initiation fee as well as his $15,000 yearly dues were not refunded.)

    Related: PINheaded

    Eastern Standard Time Travelers

    | Oregon, USA |

    (I received this call shortly after news broke about the emergency landing of a US Airways flight on the Hudson.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling customer service, how may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the Hudson River just a few moments ago?”

    Me: “There was a plane crash? Oh, my… was anyone hurt?”

    Customer: “No, they all lived. I’m surprised you haven’t heard about it yet. Where are you located?”

    Me: “Well, I don’t have access to a television to see the current news. I am in Oregon.”

    Customer: “Well, no wonder you haven’t heard of it happening yet. It happened in New York, which is 3 hours ahead of you!”

    Unbearably Bad Ideas

    | Jasper, AB, Canada | Top

    (Note: I worked in a resort over the summer as a concierge.)

    Tourist: “Can we see any wildlife in the area, you know, by the side of the road?”

    Me: “Sure, we routinely see elk, deer, mountain goats and bighorn sheep. I’ve seen a couple wolves too, and we get a lot of bears.”

    Tourist: “Oh! Can we feed the bears?”

    Me: “No, sir, the bears are wild bears. They are extremely dangerous and you should never approach any wild animal. Just stay in your car, with the windows up, and you’ll be fine.”

    Tourist: “Oh… can we send our kids to play with the bears?”

    Me: “That would be ‘feeding the bears,’ sir…”

    Barry Burnin’ White

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Caller: “Hello, I work offshore. I got home from a 3 week assignment yesterday, and me and the wife were doing the… you know… we were being… uhh…”

    Me: “… intimate?”

    Caller: “Nah. It was pretty rough. But anyhow, we were doing our thing.”

    (At this point, I’m pretty sure the caller is actually a buddy of
    mine, pranking me. I was wrong.)

    Me: “Sir, this is a stereo repair shop. Are you aware–”

    Caller: “Yeah, yeah, sorry. That’s not the point. When we got done, I noticed the music had stopped. I looked over there, and there were fumes coming off the receiver. So, I called your customer service number and they told me I need to write a description of the problem. I don’t know what happened, so I figured I’d call a tech guy to help me with the description. You got any idea what I should write?”

    Me: “Well, uhh… how about ‘smokes after sex’?”

    Caller: *laughing* “DONE! I like yer style, mah friend!”

    (That call totally made my day. I almost got fired over it, but it was worth it!)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    I’m A Mac, With Reinforcements

    | Urbana, IL, USA | Top

    Customer: “How much is this iPod Touch thingy?”

    Me: “$229, sir.”

    Customer: “Now, I’ve heard that these things can get the internet, right?”

    Me: “That’s correct.”

    Customer: “How does it get the internet without any wires?”

    Me: “Well, it works the same way a computer would; you can connect to any wi-fi netwo-”

    Customer: “WHOA! Wi-fi? I can’t use wi-fi!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Haven’t you heard?”

    Me: “…no?”

    Customer: “Wi-fi is what causes cancer. People are getting cancer more and more because we keep expanding our wi-fi networks. I’m only safe because of this!”

    (He pulls out a pendant he was wearing as a necklace under his shirt. It is a cylindrical white plastic container with a radioactive sticker on it.)

    Customer: “This thing right here protects me! It’s protecting you right now too!”

    Me: “Oh…OK…”

    Customer: “Yeah. Inside of this, there’s a thing that goes faster than the speed of light!”

    (He starts to flap his arms wildly in a circle to demonstrate ‘faster than light’, while making a ‘whoosh’ sound.)

    Me: “…cool…”

    Customer: “YEAH IT IS! On TV they try to tell us that things can’t travel faster than the speed of light, but I know that’s garbage! They just want us to get cancer. You NEED to get one of these things, man!”

    Me: “Um…yeah. Well, I’m sorry about the iPod then, is there anything else you need help with?”

    Customer: “What? I want the iPod!”

    Me: “I thought it would give you cancer?”

    Customer: “No. I’m PROTECTED.”

    Me: “…”

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