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    Warning: Movie May Require Brain Cells

    | Arkansas, USA |

    Customer: “This is a readin’ movie. Do I have to pay fer this? It’s a readin’ movie. Ya’ know, where ya’ have to read it?”

    Me: “You mean it had subtitles?”

    Customer: “Yeah! Those! I don’t have to pay for that, do I?”

    Me: “Well, we really don’t do preferential refunds because it isn’t our obligation to make sure the customer likes the movie. We just make it available.”

    Customer: “That’s bullcrap!”

    (He skulks away from my register and hangs around the candy display as the next customer walks up laughing.)

    Me, to the next customer: “Hello, ma’am. How’re you doing today? Good? That’s great. Before we start here, I’d like to warn you that this magazine you’re about to purchase is a readin’ magazine, and that we don’t give refunds. Sorry.”

    (The previous disgruntled customer, who obviously heard everything I said, is completely oblivious to the fact that I’m mocking him.)

    Poodle Bites Woman, Claims Insanity

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (I’m outside walking a small poodle before her bath.)

    Passing woman, to the poodle: “Oh, what a pretty kitty! Hello, kitty!”

    Me: “…”

    Buuuurn

    | Northern California, USA |

    (A man shoves himself to the front of a long line of people.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to go to the back of the line.”

    Him: “NO! I’m the Messiah!”

    Me: “Wow. The Jews are in for a BIG disappointment.”

    (He stands there for a second and shuffles to the back of the line. The other customers applaud.)

    Water You, Stupid

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Top

    (While passing through airport security, a passenger’s bag needs to be pulled because the x-ray operator sees an obvious big bottle of water when the limit is 3.4 oz.)

    Me: “Whose bag is this?”

    Passenger: “Oh! Oh! Oohhh! It’s mine! Is there something wrong?”

    Me: “I just need to take a quick look inside, ma’am. This shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes.”

    Passenger: “Well, hurry. I think they’re boarding my plane.”

    (I open her bag and find the bottle almost immediately. She gasps as I pull it out.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid you cannot have this beyond this point.”

    Passenger: “Why not? I just bought it, and it’s unopened!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the rules clearly state that you cannot have any liquids over 3.4 oz in your carry on. If you’d like to, you could–”

    Passenger: “But that’s not a liquid!”

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

    Passenger: “It’s not a liquid! It’s water! W-A-T-E-R! You know, H-2-O? For the love of God, don’t they hire anyone with more than a grade school education for security?”

    Trust Me, He’ll Want To Wake Up For This

    | California, USA |

    (The fire alarm is going off at our extended-stay hotel. I get a call at the front desk.)

    Hotel Guest:¬†”What is that sound?”

    Me:¬†”That’s the fire alarm ma’am, please evacuate the building.”

    Hotel Guest: “Well, can you please turn it off? My son is sleeping.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. Only the Fire Department can, once they inspect the building. Please take your son and evacuate the building immediately.”

    Hotel Guest:¬†”I can’t do that, he’s sleeping!”

    Me: *bangs head on the counter*


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