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    The Wind Beneath My Swings

    , | Boston, MA, USA |

    Caller: “The swing set was delivered yesterday, and… it’s fine, but I need instructions.”

    Me: “No problem, I’ll email them to you right now. Are you missing anything from your shipment? If you are, let me know and I can get those right out for you.”

    Caller: “Um, no. I’m not missing anything, but I do have one question.”

    Me: “Sure, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Well, I got the swing set and… well… thank you for the added accessory, but where do I put it? I mean, how do I attach it to the set?”

    Me: “Which accessory, sir?”

    Caller: “The toilet seat.”

    Me: “The what?!”

    Caller: “Yeah, and I just want to know how I attach it to the swing set?”

    Me: “Um, ok. First of all, you don’t put toilet seats on your child’s swing set. Secondly, that wasn’t in your shipment from us. The trucking company must have gotten some boxes mixed up.”

    Caller: “Ooooooohh…” *speaking to someone off the phone* “HEY JOE! Don’t open that box! That toilet seat isn’t ours! It doesn’t go on the set!”

    (I would just like to state for the record that “toilet seat” and “swing set” should NEVER be used in the same sentence.)

    Those Silly Colonies And Their Quaint Rebellion

    , | West Branch, MI, USA |

    (We have a lot of patriotic displays up in the store windows for the 4th of July: flags, red white and blue balloons, Uncle Sam hats, etc.)

    Old lady 1: “Wow, look at all of these! It’s Christmas in July.”

    Old lady 2: “I love it when they do this. I love crazy things like Christmas in July!”

    A Fine Line Between Smarta** and Dumba**

    , | Ontario, Canada | Top

    (I work at a popular fast food restaurant. Drive-through customers should be aware that we can hear every word they say.)

    Coworker: “Hi, welcome to ***. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I just need a minute to decide.”

    Coworker: “No problem, just let me know when you are ready.”

    (The customer talks to his passengers, while we listen…)

    Customer, to his passengers: “I should ask for something dumb on my ice cream, just to see what they say. How about pickles? They would probably just ignore me. Oh, I know… tomatoes!”

    Customer, to my coworker: “Okay, I’m ready.”

    Coworker: “Alright, go ahead…”

    Customer: “I’d like an ice cream sundae with tomatoes on it, please.”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry, due to the recent recall in the States, we aren’t serving tomatoes right now. Can I offer you a sundae with pickles instead?”

    Customer: *drives off without ordering anything*

    Altruism, How I Miss Thee

    | New Zealand |

    Library patron: “I’ve donated a lot of books over the years. So, from now on I’d like all my requests for free, please.”

    (Requests to transfer books from one library branch to another cost $1 per time.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t have any policy to do that.”

    Library patron: “I’ve donated so many books over the years I think this is a special case! I should be given free requests and fines.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not something you’ll be able to do. A lot of people donate books and we don’t give them free requests and fines.”

    Library patron: “But I’ve been supporting the library with all these donations I’ve been giving. I deserve something in return!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the word donation implies you expect nothing in return… otherwise, it’s not a donation.”

    Library patron: *lightbulb goes on* “Oh…”

    …And Fruit Hates You Right Back

    | Monterey, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’d like a Coke.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we make smoothies here. Have you looked at our menu?”

    Customer: “You don’t have any Coke?”

    Me:¬†”No, sir. Just fruit drinks.”

    Customer:¬†”Oh. Well, I’ll have a coffee then.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t serve coffee here. Just smoothies.”

    Customer: “What kind of drink shop is this?!¬†I come in here trying to get a drink, and you don’t have anything!”

    Me:¬†”We’re a smoothie shop, sir. What kind of fruit do you like?”

    Customer: “I HATE FRUIT!” *storms out of the store*


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