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    A Hiccup In The Food Chain

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (I was working in the reptile department and I often got questions about the snakes.)

    Customer: “What do you feed these snakes?”

    Me: “Those snakes?¬†Usually feeder mice.”

    Customer: “You feed them live mice?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s what they eat.”

    Customer: Well, don’t you think that’s cruel?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Can’t you feed them a vegetarian diet?”

    Me: “No ma’am, they need to eat a diet similar to what they would naturally eat in the wild.”

    Customer: “Well, I think that’s just awful.¬†They should be able to survive on vegetables.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am…you’ll have to talk to God about that one.”

    Wait…You Can Do That?

    | Ontario, Canada | Pets & Animals

    Customer: *marches to the front desk with her young granddaughter* “Hello, dear. Are you in charge here?”

    Me: “Well, I’m in charge of the front desk. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to purchase a dog for my granddaughter.”

    Me: “Er…ma’am, this is a kennel.”

    Customer: “I’m aware of that! I just want to buy a dog for my granddaughter; she wants a pug.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t sell the animals here. We take care of dogs and cats for their owners.”

    Customer: “What? You do all the work for those lazy sons of b****es?”

    Me: “Um…no. The kennel takes in dogs and cats for owners when they go away for vacation or business. When they come back, they take their pets back. It’s like daycare.”

    Customer: “I don’t think you understand me, boy. I told my granddaughter we were coming here to get her a dog, and you will get her a d*** dog!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but like I said before, we do not sell the dogs we keep. They are other people’s pets.”

    Customer: “Goodness!” *pause* “Can I have a cat, then?”

    Me: “Ma’am, does your granddaughter go to daycare?”

    Customer: “Yes, but that is irrel–”

    Me: “How would you like it if I went to your granddaughter’s daycare and bought her off?”

    Customer: *storms off*

    Let He Who Is Strongest Make My Latte

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    (A perky old lady walks up and orders a drink. A staff member makes the drink, and I hand it to her.)

    Customer: *disdainfully* “What is THIS?”

    Me: “Umm… a drink?”

    Customer: “‘A drink’? Don’t get smart with me! *pointing towards a staff member* “That greasy teen filled my order! I demand somebody else fill it! One who’s NOT greasy!”

    (I was dumb-founded, but decided to line up all the employees in front of her for review – it was a slow day.)

    Me: “Which of these do you find acceptable?”

    Customer: *looks for a few minutes* “NONE! Maybe if you didn’t have so much fast food, you wouldn’t be so greasy!” *continues to “browse” through the line-up*

    Coworker: *speaking up* “Hey lady, hurry up – you ain’t picking no gladiators!”

    A Lack Of Planning On Your Part…

    | Florida, USA |

    Customer: *on his cell phone, handing me a list* “I need all of these items.”

    Me: “Ok, let me just get someone to help you.”

    Customer: “Why can’t you just do it?”

    Me: “I can’t leave the register.”

    Customer: *shouting now* “I’M A VERY BUSY MAN!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry sir, but I cannot leave the register. Let me just call someone for you.”

    Customer: “HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE EXPECT TO RUN A BUSINESS! I NEED MY STUFF!”

    Me: *on phone* “Could I have someone come up and help a customer please?”

    Customer: *screaming over my phone call* “JUST GIVE ME MY DAMN ITEMS! I NEED THEM!”

    Me: “Someone is on their way to help you, sir.”

    Customer: “I needed these items two hours ago; I couldn’t get here until now. My time is being wasted; MY TIME IS PRECIOUS!”

    Me: “I don’t know what to tell you, scooter. Learn to manage your time better.”

    I Hear Santa Has The Same Issue

    | Arizona, USA |

    (I work in a call center where we take reservations for a Christmas event.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “My wife has a severe phobia of midgets. Will the elves be actual little people?”

    Me: “The people dressed as elves are normal sized, but I can’t guarantee any of the patrons won’t be midgets.”


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