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    So That’s The Difference…

    | Lithia Springs, GA, USA |

    Me: “Ma’am, are you ready to order?”

    Customer: “Yes…how many pieces come in the grilled chicken meal?”

    Me: “It comes with one, but we can put on a second for $2 extra, no problem at all.” ¬†

    Customer: “Okay, do that, then.” ¬†

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. That comes with two sides, what would you like?”

    Customer: “Just give me a double order of the steamed veggies, please. I’m a vegetarian.”

    Me: ¬†*surprised* ¬†”All right, well, are you sure you want the chicken, then? It’s made of actual meat….”

    Customer: *angrily* “I said I’m VEGETARIAN, not a damn VEGAN!”

    Me: “…yes, ma’am, my apologies.”

    (I then retreat to the back to enter in her order. As I do so, the manager walks up.)

    Manager: “You look annoyed; something wrong?”

    Me: “Just wishing we served alcohol…I could use a shot.”

    Is There Anything That Guy Can’t Do?

    | California, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have movie with Forrest Gump?”

    Me: “Yes, we have the movie ‘Forrest Gump’; would you like me to tell you where it is?”

    Customer: “No, I look for movie Forrest Gump where he gets big.”

    Me: “Uhh…do you mean you’re looking for the movie ‘Big’ with Tom Hanks?”

    Customer: “Not Tom Hanks, ‘FORREST GUMP’! ‘BIG’!”

    Me: “…”

    The Great Fish Massacre of 2008

    | Wisconsin, USA |

    Customer: “I bought ten fish and they all DIED.¬†The customer service desk said you would get me new ones. ¬†Here’s my receipt.”

    Me: “It looks like you had ten feeder goldfish?”

    Customer: “Yes, and they all DIED. I want new ones.”

    Me: “That’s unusual. Goldfish are pretty hardy. Did they have any little white spots, or anything like that before they died?”

    Customer: “No, I went to feed them and they were all dead in the bowl!”

    Me: Wait…you had ten goldfish in a bowl? What size?”

    Customer: “Like this!” *points to a small bowl on the shelf*

    Me: “Ma’am, that bowl only holds a gallon of water. The general rule for fish is ‘a gallon of water per inch of fish’. So for these goldfish at the size they’re now, you would need a tank larger then ten gallons to accommodate them.”

    Customer: “I want them in a bowl! Maybe I’ll get smaller fish. How much are these?” *pointing*

    Me: “Those are fancy guppies; they’re two dollars.”

    Customer: “EACH?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “What about those?

    Me: “Those are angelfish; they’re four dollars.”

    Customer: “EACH?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Just give me the ten fish to replace my other ones! Those are only 39 cents each!”

    Me: “Fine…but if you put them all in the same bowl, they’re all going to die again, and I don’t want to hear about it when they do!”

    Customer: *pause* “Get me my fish!”

    (She got her new fish.  No idea what the death toll was.)

    Man Cannot Live By Water Alone

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. ¬†Can I get you anything to drink?”

    Customer: “Yes, please. I would like a glass of water.”

    Me: “Coming right up.”

    Me: delivering the water* “There you are, ma’am. Have you decided what you want to order?”

    Customer: *downing the water* “Wow, this water is great. Do you happen to have any more, sweetie?”

    Me: “Er…yeah we do. Do you want another glass?”

    Customer: “I would appreciate it.”

    (I go to get her another glass of water, and as soon as I come back, she begins to speak up about the menu.)

    Customer: “Oh Lord! Don’t you have any vegetarian stuff here?”

    Me: “I’m sorry miss, but this is a bar and grill. We have salads, but they all come with chicken or beef.”

    Customer: “That’s inhumane! Don’t you know what you’re doing to the animals?”

    Me: “I think you should go to a vegan restaurant. What did you expect from a bar and grill?”

    Customer: “Don’t give me your sass! I just want some non-animal food! Don’t you have any of that?”

    Me: “Well..we have grilled cheese, and–”

    Customer: *cutting me off* “WHAT?! CHEESE COMES FROM MILK, WHICH COMES FROM COWS! I’M NOT EATING THAT!”

    Me: “I’m sorry then, ma’am, there’s really nothing for you here. Please quiet down; you’re disturbing the other customers.”

    Customer #2: *from across the room* “Listen to what he tells you, you stupid b****!”

    Customer: “Goodness! You god**** animal murderers deserve to go to hell! *pause* “Er, sonny, may I get another glass of that water?”

    Me: “OUT!”

    Customer #2: *from across the room* “Mmm… murder.”

    Self-Rising Expectations

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: “You bake all of this French bread here?”

    Me: “Yes sir, every day.”

    Customer: “Do you make the dough yourselves, or does it come in frozen?”

    Me: “Oh, it comes in frozen. We bake more than 100 loaves of French bread a day on top of everything else we make, so we really wouldn’t have time to make dough from scratch.”

    Customer: “So you’re cheaters then?!”

    Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Yes, sir, we certainly are!”

    Customer: “Well, that’s shameful!” *to another customer* “Did you know they don’t make the dough themselves?!”

    Customer #2: “It only costs a buck a loaf, dude. What do you want from them?”


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