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    May We Suggest Hoobastink and Led Hindenburg

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Top

    (I overhear this odd exchange while shopping at a local used music store. It takes place between the clerk and a woman with a heavy accent.)

    Customer: “I am looking for a CD of band called Wet Noodle.”

    Clerk:Wet Noodle? I don’t think we have anything like…”

    Customer: “You have it! My grandson says he wants the CD of band Wet Noodle!”

    (The clerk searches for the band on his computer, to no avail.)

    Clerk: “I’m sorry, we don’t have any record of any products by a bad called Wet Noodle.”

    (I put one and one together and interject.)

    Me: “Ma’am, do you mean Limp Bizkit?”

    Customer: “Yes! Some band like Wet Noodle or Limp Bizkit or some food!”

    (The clerk gets the CDs for the lady, finishes her transaction and then turns to me.)

    Clerk, to me: “I’m giving you every discount I know of.”

    Yeah, Definitely Contraindicated

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (A patient walks up to the pick up window looking like he just came from the emergency room.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I wanna drop this off…” *hands me an ER prescription*

    Me: “Sir, this is the pick up window. You need to drop off the prescription at the drop off window.”

    Customer: “Where’s that?”

    Me: “The counter at the entrance to the room with the big sign that says “Drop Off Window’.”

    Customer: “Where?”

    Me: “You know, you already waited in line so I’ll just take the prescription here. Have you ever had any medication here before?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, have I?”

    Me: “I’ll take that as a no. Do you have any allergies to medication?”

    Customer: “Well, when I mix heroin and battery acid, I get a rash.”

    Me: “… I’ll make a note on that.”

    On The Importance Of Appropriate Segue-ways

    | Virginia, USA |

    (Note: I look a little young for my age, but not by that much.)

    Customer: “I’m looking for someone who can help me find a book.”

    Me: “I can help you. What are you looking for?”

    Customer: “What? You can’t possibly work here. You look like you’re about 12.”

    Me: “Actually, I’m 20. What can I help you find?”

    Customer: “You’re lying to me. Where’s your manager? I can’t believe he has little kids working.”

    Me: “I can assure you, I’m 20.”

    Customer: “Let me see your ID, then.”

    Me: “What?”

    (She then turns to my boyfriend, who has come in to visit me.)

    Customer: “Are you her boyfriend?”

    My boyfriend: “Yes…”

    Customer: “How can you date someone who looks like that?”

    My boyfriend: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “That’s disgusting. I think you’re a pervert!”

    (The customer then turns back to me, and without skipping a beat asks…)

    Customer: “Where are the romance novels?”

    It’s Probably Not Flushable Anymore

    | Dublin |

    Me: “Hello, how can I help?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need to know something very important, very quickly.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to help. What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “Is your toilet paper… is it flushable? Like, can I flush it down the toilet?”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure if it’s toilet paper it’s flushable, yes.”

    Customer: “Well *** brand says it’s flushable but your brand doesn’t say that anywhere on it.”

    Me: “I think it’s assumed that toilet roll is flushable. What’s the alternative?”

    Customer: “Well, okay. Since I wasn’t sure, I’ve just been letting it sit in the bowl…”

    There’s Such A Thing As Being Too Into Crafts

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (This took place at a large craft store. This particular day I was stocking the shelves when a lady came up and asked me for help.)

    Customer: “My daughter only has a few months left to live, and she is going to be cremated. I was wondering if you had anything that I could use to make her ashes into a tiara?”

    Me: “…make her…ashes into a tiara?”

    Customer: “Yes. She was a beauty queen, and I’d like to make her ashes into a tiara. Do you have some modeling clay or something I can use?”

    Me: “Oh, do you mean you want to make an urn in the shape of a tiara to hold the ashes?”

    Customer: “No, I want the ashes molded into the shape of a tiara.”

    (I am silent for a moment. The lady stands expectantly, and finally I answer.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I cannot help you. There is no one in this store who can help you. I suggest you go and get help somewhere else.”

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