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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Life Before Google Street Views

    | Beverly, MA, USA |

    (I work in an insurance agency in the middle of a downtown shopping district. A customer called and asked to be transferred to the agent with the desk by the window.)

    Me: “Hi, this is ***** speaking. Can I get your last name, please?”

    Customer: “It’s Clark, but what do you need that for?”

    Me: “Well, each agent deals with a different segment of the alphabet, so clients with last names beginning with A-H go to Joan. I will need to transfer you.”

    Customer: “Does Joan have a desk by the window?”

    Me: “Uh… no, ma’am, but she will have all of your files.¬†If you can hold for a moment, I will transfer you.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want to talk to Joan. I want to talk to you. You are the one who sits near the window, aren’t you?”

    Me: “Yes, but as I said–”

    Customer: “Look, I don’t want to talk to anyone but you!¬†Joan doesn’t sit near the window, so she can’t help me. I need to talk to someone who has view of the street.”

    Me: “Um, okay–”

    Customer: “Now if you are done, would you please tell me what the name of the curtain shop across the street from you is called?”

    Me: “Huh? Uh, Country Curtains.”

    Customer: “Thank you. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?” *hangs up*

    Me: “…”

    (Telepathic) Help Wanted, Part 3

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (Note: this is something I witnessed.)

    Clerk: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for this movie. I rented it before, but I want it again.”

    Clerk: “Sure thing, what’s the title?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t know. ”

    Clerk: “What was it about?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Clerk: “Well, do you remember what the cover looked like?”

    Customer: “No, not really.”

    Clerk: “Who was in it?”

    Customer: “I didn’t pay attention. ”

    Clerk: “…”

    Customer: “…”

    Clerk: “Sir, I can’t find the movie without any details.”

    Customer: “Isn’t that your job?!”

    (Telepathic) Help Wanted, Part 2
    (Telepathic) Help Wanted

    From Parallel To Perpendicular

    | Jackson, MI, USA |

    (In our hospital sleep lab, we have a bunch of rooms with beds for people to sleep on. Every room is monitored and recorded with a video camera so we can watch the patients while they’re sleeping. One day, my daughter’s math teacher came in…)

    Me: “Hey, Mr. ***! Let me hook you up and you can get to sleep.”

    Mr. ***: “Alright.”

    (I hook him up and tell him to try to sleep as quickly as he can.¬†We don’t give our patients sleep medication because that could interfere with their normal sleep habits. As I return to the control room, I hear hysterical laughter.)

    Me: “What’s going on?”

    Coworker: “Who did you say that guy was?”

    Me: “Oh! My daughter’s math teacher at her high school.”

    (Everyone laughs harder.)

    Me: “What is going on??”

    (My coworker points to the screen showing Mr. ***’s room. He’s masturbating.)

    Me, over the intercom: “MR. ***, PLEASE! You are being recorded!”

    Mr. ***: “But you said to go to sleep as fast as I can!” ¬†

    Me: “That’s not appropriate!”

    Mr. ***: “Well, fine! I guess a man can’t get any privacy when he’s trying to sleep!¬†YOU’RE inappropriate! Why the h*** were you watching me?!” *gets dressed and storms out of the hospital*

    Because Mocha Sounds Sooo Much Like Frappuccino

    | Indiana, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like two large strawberries and cream Frappuccinos.”

    Me: “Alright, anything else with that?”

    Customer: “No, that’s all.”

    (I make her drinks and hand them out.)

    Customer: “These are cold…”

    Me: “You ordered two large strawberries and cream Frappuccinos.”

    Customer: “Oh! You know what? I actually meant I wanted two large mochas. The hot drinks!”

    (Duh, how could I not have gotten that from her original order?)

    No Problem, We’ll Just Bulldoze A Nearby Home

    | Alaska, USA |

    Me: “What size popcorn would you like, sir?”

    Older Man: “Do your managers know that there are no parking spots out there?”

    Me: “Um… I’m pretty sure they are aware of that, sir. Three very popular movies came out today, seeing how it is Friday.”

    Older Man: “Well, maybe they need to be informed of the situation so they can fix it!”

    Me: “I’ll let them know right now! In the meantime, this gentleman can help you with your popcorn…”

    (I walk off, barely able to contain my laughter.)

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