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    It’s A Low Maintenance Affair

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    Me: “Happy Holidays! How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Well, I need two gifts.”

    Me: “Okay, who are you shopping for and what did you have in mind?”

    Customer: “I need one for my wife, and one for my girlfriend. I got them the same thing last year, so we can just do that again.”

    Maybe It Got Chuck Norris’d

    | Leesburg, VA, USA |

    (A customer approaches the repair counter with a paper shopping bag, and I can hear stuff rattling around inside.)

    Customer: “I bought this computer here, and it’s broken. I want to return it.”

    (She dumps out the bag, and inside is a laptop that is broken completely in half.)

    Customer: “It was like this when I opened the box.”

    Me: “Okay… well, do you have the receipt, and the original packaging?”

    Customer: *hands me a receipt*

    Me: “Ma’am, this receipt is from three months ago.”

    Customer: “I know, I bought it three months ago but I just opened it today.”

    Me: “Well, do you have the original packaging?”

    Customer: “No, I threw it away.”

    Me: “So, let me get this straight. You opened the box, three months after buying the computer, and the laptop was broken in half, so you threw out the box?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I didn’t think I needed it.”

    Me: “I really don’t think you can return this.”

    Customer: “Alright, but you can fix it. It’s still got a manufacturer warranty.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but manufacturer warranties don’t cover accidental damage, just defects.”

    Customer: “But it’s not accidental damage! It was like this when I bought it!”

    Me: “I find that really hard to believe, and so would anyone else. Nobody in their right mind would believe that it came out of the box like this.”

    Customer: “But why would I lie about that?”

    Me: “To get a free repair? I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. Your warranty does not cover accidental damage.”

    Customer: *thinks for a moment* “But what if it wasn’t an accident?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “What if it wasn’t an accident? I did it on purpose. That’s not accidental damage.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Hmmmmmmm?”

    Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”

    Parents, The Gateway Drug

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (A man and woman with a 10-year old kid came up to my counter to rent Grand Theft Auto 4.)

    Me: “You know, this game is rated and M and generally not considered a good choice for young children.”

    Parent: “Yeah, so?”

    Me: “Just saying… some parents don’t know I just wanted to make sure.”

    Parent: “Pfft… like I care about that. You’re going to be a boring parent!”

    These Aren’t Your Parents’ ET-Murdering Games

    | West Des Moines, IA, USA |

    (I was a customer watching this exchange. A customer walked up to the counter with his young child to purchase Halo 3.)

    Cashier 1: “Just to check, you know this game is rated ‘M’, right?”

    Customer: “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

    Cashier 1: “Sorry, just have to check, part of the job.”

    Customer: “What good is that for?”

    Cashier 2: “It’s just to prevent minors from playing games with violent or mature content, unless parents are OK with it.”

    Customer: “Well that’s stupid.”

    Cashier 2: “It’s required by law. If we don’t check, we could lose our job. It’s a violent game – shooting aliens, blood, etc.”

    Customer: “I’ve been shooting aliens since I was 12!”

    Cashier 1: “Well, it’s our job and we have to do it.”

    Customer: *storms out with the child* “Thanks for nothing!”

    It’s A Miracle She’s Still On The Ground…

    | Adelaide, Australia |

    (A very angry customer storms up to the counter at the party shop I was working at.)

    Customer: “These balloons are no good! I spent all afternoon blowing them up, and none of them will float!”

    Me: “What did you fill them with?”

    Customer: “What do you mean? I just blew them up, and none of them will float.”

    Me: “Did you fill them with air or helium?”

    Customer: “Air.”

    Me: “They won’t float unless you use a helium tank.”

    Customer: “NO! Look, it says on the packet, ‘Helium Balloons’.”

    Me: “…”

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